FINANCES

DeeLove, I more than understand your situation and as a Haitiana, I can assure you that in our culture, it's pretty much the same thing. The only way you could approach your FH about this is with finess, understanding and patience.

I think you should speak with your FH at a time when all is calm and no one is around but the two of you. Go for a drive or something, but use a different setting. Start the conversation by boosting his ego and tell him just how wonderful a man you think he is, and that you feel secured knowing that he is so caring and you have no doubt whatsoever that he'll always be able to provide for you and your child. However, you just don't want to see him bogged down with so much on his shoulder, when there's truly no need for it to be so.

Tell him that you feel so honored to be with a man who cares so much about his family because that's indicative of how great a husband and father he will be. However, financially, you both cannot afford to continue as you've been doing without going bankrupt. Tell him that his mother works and can well afford to handle her finances herself, although, to make sure that she takes care of everything, he could just offer her guidance, but very little money, because he also has a family who needs him as well. And as far as the sister is concerned, tell him that he needs to talk to her and give her the option of choosing a career and making it work. He should give her 6 months to find something profitable before he cuts her off altogether. He should say to her that from time to time, he may give a little something for the child, but is no longer in a position to help her financially because he sees that she has no desire to help herself or her child.

Just tell him that you're not bothered by the fact that he has so much on his shoulder financially because of his family, that you're just concerned about your child's financial future. You'd like for you, him and your child to have a life that's financially secured and you don't really see how this could happen if he continues the way he has been.

Good luck to you sister!!!

Great advice G.... DeeLove G said it best. good luck.

Hi DeeLove,

I think we all agree this is touchy. Unfortunately when it comes to men, oftentimes, we have to wait a while for them to get it together, and when they realize one day, something you knew all along, its hard not to say "I told you so."

But that doesn't mean you twidle your thumbs and simpley hope for the best while things around you seem to be coming apart at the seams. First of all: Continue to pray that whatever happens, that you and your family will never lack. We all go through situations that seem to have no end in sight, but we never end up on the street, or homeless, and always seem to have more than enough. So focus on thanking God that you all are "okay".

Second, you may benefit from a third person putting things in perspective such as a credit counselor or financial expert at your local bank. Sometimes getting an expert to put it all out there, examine the risks of what may happen with your FH's continued efforts (though noble, but misplaced) can help him realize things may get worse before they get better for a while.

Also, you may have to back up a little. Men just don't work efficiently or think clearly under intense pressure, and beleive me he is! It may not help to make him feel like he made a mistake, because helping family is not inherently a mistake, but tell him that he took some risks that is causing strain on your finances as a family. Get him to understand that you will be with him and you all will work it out. Any feelings of guilt from you to him simply doesn't work. Secondly, don't make mention of his sister and mother's need to handle their own business. It hasn't helped either, and he knows this anyways.

Finally, I think it may be good to squeeze in a couple of marriage counseling sessions with your Pastor. There's still going to be a wedding, so its never too early. You all are dealing with typical marriage stuff, so a Pastor or trusted Elder in your church can ppulls ome scripture (so can you) as to how you can go forth.

Okay Finally Finally, Marriages don't work over finances because one or both parties DECIDED that its just too tough to work it out. If you decide that no matter what-its worth working, out, then the future marriage/relationship is not in jeopardy. Your aggravation and patience may be, but not your relationship. God Bless. Pray.

Show him this Deelove:

Cost to raise a child

You may have to adjust as this is in USD.

All I can say is..."DAG!"

[quote="Ginoue"] The only way you could approach your FH about this is with finess, understanding and patience.

As Bumble says, first and foremonst continue to pray about this situation. Counseling is definitely in order here. DeeLove you can speak to your FH and hopefully help him to see that you and the baby you are carrying are his family and he must get his finances in order for you guys.

Perhaps he will eventually see that saying no to his mom and sister doesn't mean that he is abandoning them, it is helping them to be strong and rely on themselves and God. What would they do if he refused to be their savior anymore? They would do without or find another way. These are grown people.

DeeLove, I wish you all the best with this situation. May God smile on this situation.

Congrats Dee!

Finances are always a sensitive subject for couples. My DH are always doing our research on the best way to handle debt. We have decided it would be better to go ahead and pay of our debt (except my student loan-we are paying only the interest on it), before we buy a house. Granted, because we are current with our payments we have good credit,a nd would actually be eligible to buy a modest house at about 250,000 on his credit alone, we decided that in this economy its better to be safe than sorry. You can never know about the job situation here or if we were to get pregnant (not that anything is wrong with that-esp sice we dedided birth control is a no-go).

Its just that we decided not to add on any other debt until we got rid of the debt we have. I have only one credit card but DH has quite a bit.

Anyhoo, there is a guy here, a Mr Dave Ramsey, a controversal, but great money advisor. He spoke at our church, and he has sent his speakers everywhere about his "Total Money Makeover". I think you may find his website useful. Just do a google search for him, and you'll find it. He's kind of radical, but worth listening to. I think everyone should at least hear him out.

This is a subject that I hoped and prayed would never come up with me and my FH. Today he calls me and tells me that he wants to quit 1 of his 2 jobs. Here is the problem: We are 7 months away from our wedding, both living @ home with mom, and the second job's paycheck is being comsumed by child support. Was I wrong to tell him to keep working? Don't get me wrong, he works 2 VERY physical jobs and he says that he is mentally and physically drained. I told him to wait until we pay off our debt first and then quit. We're not even married yet and I'm about to pull my hair out!!!!! I'm trying to be supportive, so I can't do anything but pray. What do you ladies think?

Wow, thats a hard one!

I actually am trying to get another job, and my DH is giving me the eye-but he is worried about my stress level, which I can understand. Woreking 2 jobs is very mentally straining, you cannot stay well because with all the moving around, you immune system gets weaker, and fighting off a little cold is hard.

I would definitely pray on it. I am going to pray on this 2nd job-a teaching position at a community college that would mean teaching an evening course-
But there is so much to consider. I would approach him about what it would mean to the finances-in a business-like manner....Talk about how you would handle bills, child support, wedding expenses, etc. I think he is upset because it waouls APPEAR that you are not sympathetic to him being tired, and we all know thats not the case, but sometimes with men if you don't say what they want to hear, then you're "against them"...He does need to feel like you support and understand why he wants to make this decision....Its also important for him to be as stress-free as possible, and in good physical and mental health. Your approach and feelings are very practical, so you both will need to have a nice dinner, work out the technical stuff, and you never know, he may have already come up with an alternate plan for handling finances where your lifestyle is not in danger, it may simply mean pinching a few pennies, but who isn't in this economy?!?!

No worries...take it all to God:)

Thanks Bumblebeekee! I actually apologized to him yesterday and told him that I didn't want him to feel like I didn't care. I know the type of work he is doing and I TOTALLY understand. You just told me about men thinking that we are "against them" when the things that are said are not what they want to hear. He said he didn't feel like I supported him. I gave him that reassurance though. So I have prayed and I'm leaving it in God's hands. Just like my line says-GOD is able!!