Need advice about baby-mama

Hi rwinkfield, since your fh has a child by another woman, you have to be a little more understanding. The fact that your fh is involved in his child's life and has a good relationship with that childs mother speaks volumes for the kind of man he is. Believe me it could be worse if they were fighting and in and out of court. I say that because my father married another woman and because of her insecurities, he chose not to be a part of my life. It took me years to get over this. The fact that this child has a good relationship with her parents is a blessing. I also think that you can't expect the baby's mother not to get along with your fh's family because like it or not she has their grand child and they will be around for birthday's, graduations, etc. It's easier when everyone gets along.

I do believe that your fh should have told you what the conversation between him and the baby's mom was all about because there should never be any secrets between a man and his wife. I do believe that you have yourself a great guy. Please, life is too short to be fighting over trivial things -- he seems like a great guy. A lot of men don't take care of their children and are not available for them either. If I were you, I would try and get along with the child's mother. Let your fh know how you feel if something bothers you -- because he should respect your feelings. When you say she has him running around like he's her husband, what do you mean? Is the running around for the baby's mom or the child? If it is for the child celebrate the fact that this man is in his daughter's life. If he is doing "favors" for the baby's mom, then perhaps you guys should have a conversation. Is the baby's mom single or does she have a significant other?

If your fh has a good relationship with his daughter's mom, that is not a bad thing -- you guys are all going to be a family whether you like it or not, should you choose to marry him. I truly hope that you guys can work things out. Your fh having, in your own words a "brother-sister" relationship can't be that bad. If you said you suspect that they were lovers, sneaking out behind your back or being deceitful and untrustworthy, then I could understand your dilemma. See the good in this situation. Remember there is a child involved.

Child or not, all things must be done respectfully to your mate.(Thinking of Why Did I Get Married). Your FH needs to set boundaries with his child's mother. If you are uncomfortable with the closeness of their relationship he needs to respect that and limit the contact - NOT WITH THE CHILD, but with the mother. At 14 she is old enough to make her own phone calls to her father. That does not have to go through the mother. If its medical or school related, or an extra expense that comes up relating to the child, then the mother can call. He should have no problem relaying the details of their conversations either. As far as the ex's relationship with his mother, you or he really have no control over that. He can explain your concerns about it to his mother but ultimately it is out of his hands. HTH!

The issue is not the fact that he's a great dad -- because I still say any man that takes care of his child should be celebrated.

The issue is what is respectful to you. It sounds like he has been very inconsiderate of your feelings. When you made your initial post, you didn't mention either of those things. Does he talk to you about what ever he and his child's mother are doing -- before he does it?

It sounds to me like you should have a conversation with your FH about his partenting and what your expectations are as his future wife. Your issue is with your FH and not the baby's mom. He is the one that has to deal with you and he is the one that will ultimately have to set the boundaries with his child's mother.

I can somewhat relate to your situation. How long have FH and baby mama been broken up? While I agree with Rhony that it's good when the baby mama and baby daddy have a good relationship, it is a problem when that relationship interferes when the current relationship. I suggest you do some soul searching, honestly trying to figure in there is cause for concern or if it's your own insecurities. Have an open and honest conversation with FH about how you feel, see where his head is about everything and go from there. I can somewhat relate to your situation.

I agree with both ladies on some points of view. You do have to understand that there will be some contact with baby mama. However, as a soon to be married man, he needs to understand that baby mama has to step back. She needs to respect the fact that she is his past and you are his future. But, HE needs to be the one to put her in check. As for the child, I commend him for taking care of his child. This type of thing is rare nowadays.

Why does this child need a personal trainer? Is it necessary to pay someone to help her try to lose weight? Is she willing to try to partipate in physical activities? Her weight loss program begins with a healthy diet and WILL POWER. She has to WANT to lose weight. However, if she's tried and still having difficulty, maybe the doctors should check her thyroid.

I'm praying that everything will work out for you.

[quote="rwinkfield"]He probably was looking at her like she was crazy cause all he could talk about after he met her was how fat she was :( so as for the "great dad" comments, I'm not totally impressed with that. I have two kids too that he has barely formed a relationship with in 3 1/2 years because "he doesn't want to step on their dad's toes".

[/quote]

Wooooooooow, is all I can say ..............

There is so much more to this story! Girl everytime you post on this something else comes out!

I would say not to judge him on not having a better relationship with his 16yo. There's no telling what happened there. She could have one of those mothers that make it impossible for a father to see his child then speaks so badly about him to the child she has formed a "bad" opinion based on the given info. My FH had to get court-ordered child support AND visitation for his boys because their mother was a constant source of problems in his previous relationships. He had to cut all ties with her to move on!

As far as your kids, I was always raised that "if you accept the cat you have to accept the kittens" so that is the deal breaker for me! This will affect your children. If he's the father figure in the household, he has to be a father figure to them. Period. As long as their father is doing his job as a father no toes will be stepped on. The children will just have the benefit of having two men that care for them.

[quote="FutureMrsKeepUp"]relationships. He had to cut all ties with
As far as your kids, I was always raised that "if you accept the cat you have to accept the kittens" [/quote]
LOL!! I have NEVER heard this, but good words of wisdom!!! :)

[quote="soon2bmsj"]relationships. He had to cut all ties with
As far as your kids, I was always raised that "if you accept the cat you have to accept the kittens"

LOL!! I have NEVER heard this, but good words of wisdom!!! :) I agree 100% with the forming a bond with your children. My FH does not have children, but it was understood from the beginning (even when we were dating) my son has a father that is VERY active in his life, so I am not looking for a "baby daddy" but I am looking for a man that will be a positive role model for my son and will respect him and give respect as he does me. My "baby daddy" and my FH have no problems as far as boundaries. They both realize their positions so maybe you should talk to FH about this sooner rather than later.

As Future mentioned, there is ALOT more to this story which is coming out in pieces each time you post. I can hear more and more of your hurt which each new post and I URGE you to talk to FH about everything, and I do mean everything that is bothering you now before you two take that walk down the aisle. If you wait until later, resentment will set in if it hasn't already.

Hello there rwinkfield and welcome to the sisterhood.

I can feel your pain and understand your point of view. I also believe that the ladies have given you some great advice that will help you save/improve on your relationship with your FH. It seems to me that although your FH is to be commended for the relationship that he has with this baby's mama and his daughter. Especially since you mentioned that he doesn't have the same with the other child nor her mother. Sweetie, listen, if you're christian, pray first, then set aside some time that you and your FH could talk openly, honestly and without blame or yelling. Present the situation to him. Start by telling him how much you love him and how you're looking forward to spending the rest of your lives together. Then tell him quietly about the way you commend his effort in working so hard at having a great relationship with his baby's mama for the sake af his daughter. Then tell him that you know that he doesn't mean to do this but everytime he ends a conversation with his baby's mother and don't include you in the outcome, you feel disrespected. Tell him that you're sure he doesn't mean to hurt your feelings but they're hurt all the same. Then calmly explain all the things he's done that made you feel disrespected. Tell him in the beginning to accord you the time to speak without interruption so you could get this off your chest. Handle it all with all the understanding that the holy spirit will grant you if you first pray about it. Be calm when you're having the conversation. Tell him what worries you. Unfortunately, he will have a relationship with his baby's mama forever. They share a child together. As the stepmom, I know that it will be hard on you, but I know that you can handle it. Your FH will have to set some definitive boundaries with his baby's mama, after the converation. End it by telling him to help you handle this situation better by including you in all things and not just a few selections, otherwise, your married life will start out difficult when there's really no need for it to be. And just like in WHY DID I GET MARRIED, only your FH could handle that situation and have it come out alright.

I will pray for you both.

Wow. I'm sorry to hear that the situation is actually worse than the initial post mentions. Do you have a relationship with the 14 year old? Maybe you can work with her on the weight issue. As for the FH, I agree with Ginoue and the other ladies. I'l keep you in my prayers.

Wow rinkfield! I am so sorry to hear that! We are here for you sister. Don't shy away from us. Anything you need, whether it be just to vent or whatever, the ViBrides have your back! Hopefully you guys just need a little space and he'll come around as he has some time to think. He may have seen it as you trying to have him distance himself from his child which we know was not your intention. Either way you have the right to not feel/be disrespected or second to anyone or anything! Especially to someone you planned on spending the rest of your life with! Be blessed!

Sorry rwinkfield to hear about the break-up; maybe you guys both just need time to "regroup"-so don't give up totally if you truly love this man! If it is in God's plan for your guys to be husband and wife it will happen BUT don't sacrafice YOU for it. Often times we as women "settle" just because, but there are some things you have to stand firm on and I believe as his wife you DESERVE the respect you are asking for.

Hi Rwinkfield, I wish you all the best. I believe that you are definitely a lady that will not settle for less than what she wants. I pray that you will have the love and respect that you and your children deserve -- whether it is with your ex or someone else. Be blessed my sister!

oh wow, rwinkfield sweetie,I'm so very sorry. Let me tell you about these ladies up in here. They are awesome!!! I just recently went through a break up with my FH and they were so there for me. They even offered to fly to MD to kick the girl's butt for me. Some even offered to hold my earrings and to bring some vaseline (hahaha). Listen sister, on a serious note, I know you're hurting and that you don't even want to get out of bed most days. These ladies, including myself are here for you. Come and vent, anytime.

God bless you

[quote="FutureMrsKeepUp"]As far as your kids, I was always raised that "if you accept the cat you have to accept the kittens" so that is the deal breaker for me! This will affect your children. If he's the father figure in the household, he has to be a father figure to them. Period. As long as their father is doing his job as a father no toes will be stepped on. The children will just have the benefit of having two men that care for them.
[/quote]

WITHOUT QUESTION OR SECOND QUESSING! Natural Instinct only ...My kids loves my FH so much that at times they (my son mostly) call him before they call me ...and I love it ...shared responsibility ...:)

All I can say is WOW!

I am so so sorry to hear this. I know this is not what you wanted but remember God never closes one door without opening another. We are all here for you.

Wow. I'm sorry to hear that this happened. However, I admire you for standing your ground! Don't settle for less than what you truly deserve. Just pray and ask God to give you strength. I'm praying for you, my sister. God will work this out.

[quote="platinumstyle"]Wow. I'm sorry to hear that this happened. However, I admire you for standing your ground! Don't settle for less than what you truly deserve. Just pray and ask God to give you strength. I'm praying for you, my sister. God will work this out.
[/quote]

Ditto to that... my prayers are with you my sister