Hi y'all,
Am new to the site, although I have been visiting and enjoying the threads for quite some time.
My name is Dibuseng (pronounced, DEE-BOO-SA-N) & I hail all the way from the beautiful South Africa.
My FH and I have been together for 16months now but we've known each other for nine years. I'm 30 years of age and he's 33.
Well, for now you can consider me as engaged-to-be-officially-engaged as my FH still has to pay lobola - some sort of dowry paid by the man to the woman's family as a way of officially asking for her hand in marriage. The ceremony is gonna take place in Dec 2007, following which I'll be considered officially engaged by the family.
We're looking at walking down the aisle some time next year - date will be set soon after the lobola negotiations.
Now comes my dilemma... Both FH and I have our own places. However we were thinking of staying together to pool our resources so we can have our dream wedding next year.
Now, his ego doesn't allow him to come stay at my place as he's a man. I also can't move into his place because while he's renting, I have bought my place.
A mutual agreement was thus to look for a place to buy and move in there together. This means that I'll either have to sell my place or rent it out as I won't be able to maintain two places.
My question is thus - Is it a good idea for me to go ahead and buy a place with him even though we are yet to get married or should we try to settle for either one our places?
The other thing is that I don't think my family will approve as we're Christians and to them it will be a disappointment for me to live with him before I get married.
However fact is, we work in the same city and we're maintaining two households even though we end up spending more time in just one. Also for him to afford the lobola - which in most cases can go up to $5000 - he will need to save, something that can take a while with his current situation.
Yeah, I know this is a mouthful but I hope you ladies can help out...
Hi y'all,
Am new to the site, although I have been visiting and enjoying the threads for quite some time.
My name is Dibuseng (pronounced, DEE-BOO-SA-N) & I hail all the way from the beautiful South Africa.
My FH and I have been together for 16months now but we've known each other for nine years. I'm 30 years of age and he's 33.
Well, for now you can consider me as engaged-to-be-officially-engaged as my FH still has to pay lobola - some sort of dowry paid by the man to the woman's family as a way of officially asking for her hand in marriage. The ceremony is gonna take place in Dec 2007, following which I'll be considered officially engaged by the family.
We're looking at walking down the aisle some time next year - date will be set soon after the lobola negotiations.
Now comes my dilemma... Both FH and I have our own places. However we were thinking of staying together to pool our resources so we can have our dream wedding next year.
Now, his ego doesn't allow him to come stay at my place as he's a man. I also can't move into his place because while he's renting, I have bought my place.
A mutual agreement was thus to look for a place to buy and move in there together. This means that I'll either have to sell my place or rent it out as I won't be able to maintain two places.
My question is thus - Is it a good idea for me to go ahead and buy a place with him even though we are yet to get married or should we try to settle for either one our places?
The other thing is that I don't think my family will approve as we're Christians and to them it will be a disappointment for me to live with him before I get married.
However fact is, we work in the same city and we're maintaining two households even though we end up spending more time in just one. Also for him to afford the lobola - which in most cases can go up to $5000 - he will need to save, something that can take a while with his current situation.
Yeah, I know this is a mouthful but I hope you ladies can help out...
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Hey,Um Ona,a neighbour from you-Botswana.Welcome! I personally dont think it will be a good idea to buy an apartment now-before the wedding,rather settle for one of your homes and later have enough time to decide on the ideal place for a permanent home. even if it means going to his house,for the time being you can rent yours. Both of you will have to compromise somewhere,but unfortunately our brother usually want to stick to their egos. Well dear sister i think you shopuld for now concentrate on the wedding preparetions and i assure you God will make a way...where there seem to be no way.Goog luck and God bless!
Who can find a virtuos woman....
Hi Ona,
Yeah, what do you know - we are indeed neighbours.
Thanx a bunch for the response. I have really been thinking about this a lot. While I truly love and trust my FH one can never know what might happen tomorrow.
Seeing as we really need to save, I guess we'll have to settle for either my or his place... Thats if I convince him to move in to mine.
Cheers & thanx again,
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Greetings Deelove,
Welcome to the site.
This is tough one.
Introducng the new Mrs. Durrant!!!
Welcome to the site, DeeLove! You'll love it here. I agree with Ona on this situation.
Born Blessed!
Welcome DeeLove. Congratulations on your "unofficial" engagement. Yes this is a tough question on many different levels. My advice is to follow your heart and don't get caught up in trying to please everyone else. You'll only make yourself miserable by doing so.
I can say though that I wouldn't sell my place until well after to wedding. And I do mean WELL AFTER. Better safe than sorry.
"I'm a work in progress, God is not through me yet"
Welcome to the site, DeeLove! I agree with the other ladies - follow your heart. You and your FH have to sit down and decide what is best for you because after the wedding that's who it will be - just you two! As stated, sacrifices will have to be made to make your dream a reality!
i agree with pamcrow 110% about not trying to make other people happy. you know people have a funny way of looking down at you and your situation but never walk a mile in your shoes. what works for you and allows you to sleep soundly at night is what you should do.
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Sawubona Dee Love, I've spent some of my happiest days in your beautiful homeland. Welcome and to the site and take heed of Ona's advice. Trust me, if you can negotiate lobola, you can negotiate anything!
Hi ladies,
I feel overwhelmed by all the love I can feel from all the way down here... Your advices are very much appreciated. We've had a heart-to-heart with the FH and he's agreed to us not buying property now.
I've also agreed to move into his place in the interrim - and don't have a heartattack yet PAMCROW, I won't be selling my place until like you've advised, way after the wedding.
And MUSIKANA, I see you've managed to learn a bit of Zulu while you were in RSA - in which part of the country did you stay and for how long?
Again, thanks for all the wisdom ladies...
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Hi Deelove,
Thats good news to hear,and i believe thats a positive sign that all shall be alright. We are beggining to learn that marriage at some point you have to compromise-all things works together for good.Keep your faith and hold you head high girl and good luck.
Who can find a virtuos woman....
[quote="Musikana"]Sawubona Dee Love, I've spent some of my happiest days in your beautiful homeland. Welcome and to the site and take heed of Ona's advice. Trust me, if you can negotiate lobola, you can negotiate anything!
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Dag! You Go 'head! Muskiana! You are a pro now. I love how helpful you are! Welcome Dibuseng and Ona! We are glad to have you.
Caribbean men are like that too. Very butch about staying in a woman's house. They never want to give up being the HEAD of a household. If you are ok with staying with him, You need to rent your space out. I agree with the others on that. Even if you get him to rent his, he won't make as much as you would make on the house (probably) and he may get resentful. But think of it as you will be earning more to help your dream wedding a reality.
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[quote="DeeLove"]
And MUSIKANA, I see you've managed to learn a bit of Zulu while you were in RSA - in which part of the country did you stay and for how long?
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I've been to SA three times since '02(my ex was Xhosa). I've visited almost every province while touring but I've only stayed in Guateng (Mangaung), Jozi, Port Elizabeth, Capetown, and Durban (of course). Now i've jumped the border and i'm engaged to a Zimbabwean artist. What can i say, once you go . . .
Thanx for the warm welcome Rosetta... I already feel like part of the family.
And Musikana, gal you can work it. All the best with your new man and I hope the ex didn't give our brothers here a bad name...
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Welcome DeeLove and Ona,
DeeLove, all of us from the islands can understand the pride of a man, however, since you've been together for so long, and he's renting and you've already bought your house, is there a way that you could speak with him and help him understand that you will not consider him any less of a man if you decide to make your permanent home the one that you've bought. It's a matter of finance. Your situation is really a tough one. I'll keep you and your FH in my prayers.
Welcome ladies- I am another neighbour from Zim who now lives in London. This lobola thing is costly- and for this reason we are planning a wedding in 2009- which is a shame- because I wanna marry him tomorrow. Surely I am a bridezilla in the making- DeeLove- don't make any rash decisions- take your time and talk to him. Initially his pride will dictate his actions, but at the end of the day, he will soon realise that there will be no mine and his, and it will just be about whats 'ours' good luck and stay in touch
Oh and by the way Musikana- after dating men from all over the world- I must confess it was easier for me to settle with a Zimbabwean man (who was actually my first love) so yeah I understand your sentiments about once you go ....LOL!!!
[quote="dreamgurl"]Oh and by the way Musikana- after dating men from all over the world- I must confess it was easier for me to settle with a Zimbabwean man (who was actually my first love) so yeah I understand your sentiments about once you go ....LOL!!!
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Unopenga (you so crazy) dreamgurl!
LOL- you know it!!
Thanx gals, for the prayers and the counselling... I must admit that having people to share it with has really helped me alot.
Dreamgurl - I couldn't agree with you more about this lobola issue. At times it makes one feels like part of a transaction - but what can I say I need to have my family's blessings so I guess I'll have to indulge them in going through with the practice.
My belief is that if its in God's will for us to be together it will happen... mine is just to pray & be patient.
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i want to believe that this lobola things is holding most of our country men because the amount is sometimes huge-but i guess we ladies shud help our FHs coz at the end of the day what is yours becomes his.We were going through the same things but i felt that since i havent commited myself with some debts(bank loans),i deceided to cover up for some things to enable him to pay lobola.But anyway ladies,thats our traditions,we have to go through it.
Who can find a virtuos woman....
Hey I know its true, and as much as I complain- I guess I am really proud of our heritage- And my FH said that he will do whatever it takes- and I am very proud that he says that to everyone even though he is super westernised on the outside. I guess there is just a sense of pride, and I know that my father wouldnt accept anything less. Hmm Ona- just from a cultural point of view I guess you are going about it the right way- the only thing you should not do is to give him the money for lobola in any shape or form- it HAS to come from him- apparently if it comes from you its very bad luck!LOL- i am going to use your strategy and do my bit in helping him free up some funds- we are doing our lobola at the beginning of 2008 and then we are saving up for the wedding. Just keep praying ladies- we aren't the first and definately won't be the last. And once a man finds his African queen he knows what that entails....
Welcome to the site, Dreamgurl!
Born Blessed!
Welcome to the boards dreamgurl!
If you ladies don't mind me asking, what is the $ range on lobola these days? I remember traditionly lobola was paid in cattle before it changed to money but that's the extent of my knowledge.
My 1st college roomate was from Uganda and had several family issues because her ex (African-American) wouldn't recognize the tradition and she initially was staying with him anyway. Well that and the fact of the pre-marital sex and resulting child!
[quote="dreamgurl"]Hey I know its true, and as much as I complain- I guess I am really proud of our heritage- And my FH said that he will do whatever it takes- and I am very proud that he says that to everyone even though he is super westernised on the outside. I guess there is just a sense of pride, and I know that my father wouldnt accept anything less. Hmm Ona- just from a cultural point of view I guess you are going about it the right way- the only thing you should not do is to give him the money for lobola in any shape or form- it HAS to come from him- apparently if it comes from you its very bad luck!LOL- i am going to use your strategy and do my bit in helping him free up some funds- we are doing our lobola at the beginning of 2008 and then we are saving up for the wedding. Just keep praying ladies- we aren't the first and definately won't be the last. And once a man finds his African queen he knows what that entails....
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Of course not Dreamgurl,i just feel i have to relief him from some task so that he can take care of the lobola things.the lobola ceremony will be done 2 months before the wedding day,so i felt i should help out to pave way for him. in some instances it can be lobola can be paid a day before the wedding day. So i guess to some extent it depents on the culture.
Who can find a virtuos woman....
[quote="dreamgurl"]Hmm Ona- just from a cultural point of view I guess you are going about it the right way- the only thing you should not do is to give him the money for lobola in any shape or form- it HAS to come from him- apparently if it comes from you its very bad luck!LOL- i am going to use your strategy and do my bit in helping him free up some funds- we are doing our lobola at the beginning of 2008 and then we are saving up for the wedding. [/quote]
Ona & Dreamgurl, I hear you gals... I guess you can say those are my reasons for moving in together with FH, otherwise it will take the man another year to free the funds so he can pay the lobola.
Well, FutureMrsKeepUp - in terms of the US$, lobola negotiations can be between $700 to $15,000 depending on families. It is my belief though that the practice is open to abuse as some families can see it as a way to make a quick buck. However if in the end tradition is followed - which is that some of the money should be used towards planning the wedding or to help the newlywed to start their new life then it wouldn't matter as much.
Ps: For the next 4 days I won't be able to check in on you ladies as FH & I are attending his best friend's wedding out of town. FH is the best man hence we've decided to get there a day earlier (to give some assistance ) as well as to get the full benefit of the long weekend (24 Sep is a holiday in RSA).
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I am so happy I found this website- THANK YOU FOR THE WARM WELCOME LADIES!!!
DeeLove you are so right about the lobola thing, thats what I was going to tell FutureMrsKeepUp too!! It does really depend on your background etc, but the range given was just about spot on. And its true DeeLove- the parents etc should really give you back some of the money for the wedding, and also in my culture present giving at the wedding is really big- and it can be in cash or kind. And you find that some people get really lavish presents- I know some really lucky couples who get homes and cars (that wont be me..LOL!!) Wow Deelove yours will be right before the wedding- how are the plans coming along otherwise- tell us the ideas- color schemes etc- I am so excited for you.
Have lots of fun at the wedding (and I know you'll represent for your FH) Come back soon with pictures