Another Maid of Honor issue

I had that same problem. I announced my wedding and date When I first announced it my girlfriend said that she was not ready to get married yet, and that her and her boyfriend had alot of issues to work out. Next thing I know she called me and said she was getting married two months before my date and wanted me to be her moh. I was completely dumbfounded. I congratulated her and informed her that I would indeed be in the wedding, however I could not be her moh because I was in the mist of planning my own wedding and could not give her as much attention as a moh should. I was so mad at her. I think people are jealous and they due things to try to hurt you. I would tell her since she is your friend that you would help her as much as you could, however you are planning your wedding and you cant give her as much attention and she needs and deserves. ALSO DO NOT TELL HER ANY OF YOUR IDEAS THAT YOU ARE USING.

Girl, I feel you on this. Maybe you can kindly explain to her that you have a lot going on during that time and you still have to plan your own wedding. I'm sure you wouldn't mind helping her but, I agree with House, DON'T TELL HER THE IDEAS FOR YOUR WEDDING.

This is an unfortunate situation, especially since it involves someone so close to you. It is extremely unfair and selfish for your MOH to expect you to put your own wedding on hold to basically begin to plan hers. I wouldn't allow myself to get too upset over the situation (if possible), and just let her know that you will be there for her when you are able to, but you will not be able to run things the way she expects. I would simply let her know if it is a wedding planner that she is looking for, you will not be able to fulfill that task at this time in your life, as your schedule is pretty full with the planning of your own wedding. She really should understand that at this point, and have no problem at all. From here on out, just keep the reception ideas between yourself and your MatronOH as you mentioned. Hopefully she won't try to use any of the ideas you've already discussed with her, a true friend just would not do this. Just pray about the situation and everything will work out for best in the end.

I agree with the other ladies, be there 4 her and let HER bounce ideas off of u, not YOU give her any ideas. I am somewhat in the same situation..only our family, VERY close friends and wedding party are aware of all of our planning; we do not plan to start telling "the world" until after Christmas because I have some friends also that are involved in relationships but state they r not ready to get married-but I know that they would change their minds in a heartbeat if they knew of our definite plans.

This is a shame. Some people have a jealous and "competitive" nature. I used to have friends like that. If you say you're going on vacation, they'll try to go somewhere "better". Your "friend" is just trying to keep up with the "Joneses".

Keep your plans, thoughts, and desires to yourself. I just want to know why she wouldn't pick a date AFTER your in progress wedding.

That's very unfortunate that your MOH decides to do this mrsmoose, however, how would you have handled it if it were a regular paid client? You say that you're also an event planner. These situation happens all the time in our line of business. As a Wedding Consultant, I currently have 5 weddings scheduled prior to my own wedding (up to 3 moths ahead of mine to be exact). I'm ultra busy but am devoted to my clients as well. I'm very professional and able to give them the one-on-one time that I've come to be known for. Yet, I am able to keep my own wedding details to myself. When I meet with a new client, and they happen to notice my engagement ring, they would ask, "so what kind of things are you doing for your wedding" or they would say "would you tell me a few things that you're doing so it'll be easier for us to formulate an idea".

Girl, my best advice to you is to treat this like you would any other client, with the exception of the friendship. I agree with the other ladies. Be there for her, let her bounce some ideas on you and have her work on a theme first. Once that's done, it'll be a lot easier to plan her wedding using that theme. My other advice is KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!!! DO NOT SHARE YOUR WEDDING DETAILS WITH HER UNTIL AFTER YOUR WEDDING. UNTIL THEN, KEEP YOUR THINGS ON AN AS NEEDED BASIS ONLY. Her wedding will take place before yours, keep all of your DIY ideas to yourself and only your FH should know anyway in this situation. Once her wedding is over, who cares!!! Flaunt yourself, if that's what you wish to do. REMEMBER!!! KEEP YOUR IDEAS ABOUT YOUR WEDDING TO YOURSELF. VERY IMPORTANT. Don't get trapped into "if you were me, would you do this" situation. It's a ploy to steal your ideas!!!

Good luck to you!!!

Wow mrsmoose, issues with 1st your matron now your maid! My opinion is a little different than the other ladies. This is your friend - evidently a very close one considering she is your MOH and not just a BM. She must value your opinions and think highly of the friendship to come to you knowing what you have going on and still feel you would help her. Now, while I agree you shouldn't give her 100% - you'll over extend yourself - I think you should help your friend as much as possible, even stretching a little as friends sometimes do. As for her stealing your ideas, imitation is the best form of flattery! If there is something truly uniquely you, I understand. But 9 times out of 10 the ideas we have have been done and will be redone a million times over! She'll see this if she lurks on any wedding board. Just remember, just as its your day, your way - its her day, her way as well!

I agree with Ginoue. Unless you aren't accepting any clinets until your wedding is complete, then it's not unreasonable for her to ask for your help. I think you should change the way you are thinking about everything. If this is your line of work, consider it a compliment that she has asked you to help her with this.

If you consider yourself are a TRUE FRIEND, you should be equally happy for her and willing to do whatever you can to ensure her day is everything she wants it to be. All of her thoughts and her ideas. On the real, even though she didn't have a date set, you knew when you asked her to be your MOH that she was engaged. Were you worried then that she would steal ideas? If it wasn't a concern to you then, it shouldn't be now. I think it's crazy that you could get on a website and share all your plans with complete strangers but you can't share with a close friend because of a fear she might like the same idea. What does that say about you? Trust me there is nothing any of us is doing or has done for our wedding that hasn't already be done or thought of. Nothing is exclusive or so original. If it makes you feel better, you have a couple of months after her wedding to try and top hers but it really shouldn't be about all that.

As far as charging her, if you feel whatever help you offer can't be done as your gift on the strength your friendship, then you need to be upfront with her and tell her. That way maybe she could offset your fee by getting you a vendor meal at reception. Seriously, you can easily write this off on your taxes and use it as marketing & promotion.

And why is it "she and her boyfriend had gotten engaged sometime ago" but it's you and FH. Technically isn't it you and your boyfriend too then? I only point this all out because by devaluing her relationship, feeling you can't share ideas with her and all your other fears and concerns, you are not showing yourself as a true friend. Hopefully she hasn't picked up on any of this and you can have a change of "attitude" without her knowing. Maybe even recommend the coordinator you are using if you can't see you way to help her. Heck she might even cut you a break for the added business. Unless of course she doing it for free.

I don't think you should charge her though because of the friendship thing, but you might want her to sign a waiver, so that you may use pictures that you will take during her wedding/reception in order to build up your portfolio.

You should do it for free and blow it up girl!!! This is free advertising. Maybe you could have a mention in the program.

[quote="Ginoue"]I don't think you should charge her though because of the friendship thing, but you might want her to sign a waiver, so that you may use pictures that you will take during her wedding/reception in order to build up your portfolio.

You should do it for free and blow it up girl!!! This is free advertising. Maybe you could have a mention in the program.
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Great idea. I didn't think about this as a possible solution.

Ginoue, I totally agree. I also have my own event planning business and I gave myself a shout out in my wedding program...lol. You would only know it was me if you knew the name of my business though.

I'm going back to my first theory... Sounds like she's been sipping on some haterade. She may be upset that things aren't going well right now and is having her own "pity party". Have you talked to her to find out what on her mind?

My heart goes out to you. I'm almost tempted to tell you to dump her but it sounds like she's really going through a lot. Instead of talking about it, she probably "wallowing in her own self-pity". It sounds like a cry for help with a dash of haterism. I wish I could say more.

mayb u need 2 go 2 her-sit down and talk and find out what is "really" happening :( if she still seems non-chalent just ask her point blank if she thinks she will b able to participate in ur wedding. I know it is still some time away, but when u r in the planning stages, u need to have as much determined and defined as possible-I would hate 4 u to wait and then later she is still going thru...but if she is truly ur friend, trust her, give her as much assistance as possible to help her b there 4 u

[quote="soon2bmsj"]mayb u need 2 go 2 her-sit down and talk and find out what is "really" happening :( if she still seems non-chalent just ask her point blank if she thinks she will b able to participate in ur wedding. I know it is still some time away, but when u r in the planning stages, u need to have as much determined and defined as possible-I would hate 4 u to wait and then later she is still going thru...but if she is truly ur friend, trust her, give her as much assistance as possible to help her b there 4 u
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Great idea....since you still have some time before the wedding you need to find out what is really going on with her....better to find out now then a couple months before the wedding....

It could be she has visited this website and find out how you really and truly feel about her and she is hurt. You never know who reads these posting. I read for months before I became a member.

I'm sorry, I'm just never RSVP to a pity party! Another thing I hate is beating around the bush and sugar coating stuff! These are the unofficial rules in my circle. Tell your girl as long as she's hanging her head low she'll never see the blessings from above! Get over it, learn from it, and move on! I'm not saying be harsh about it (though my girls would be) but she doesn't need to be pacified either. She's a grown woman. If there is something else she should say that. Just my opinion and you know what they say: "opinions are like a-holes, everyone has one!"

well I think that you are doing the right thing-you can only try so many times-after the face to face, you should know whether she will or won't and can start looking at all of your options. Good luck!

Sheawiil, I'm with you on this one. Future, like you I don't believe in sugar coating things either and I believe in calling a spade a spade. I think MOH isn't the only one sipping on Haterade. Maybe she feels she is being ganged up on and that no one is GENUINELY happy or supportive of her. Maybe she can sense your hesitation even though you said the words congratulations to her. After all, we can make our mouths say anything. What's in your heart? Without realizing it, are you and members of the bridal party acting somewhat cold, distant or differently towards her? The phone call from her own sister suggests that's possibly the case.

Be honest with yourself on how you feel about her, her wedding and sharing in each others wedding. Talk about it when you have your face to face. If you aren't truly happy for her or supportive of her then you shouldn't be in her wedding and if you feel she isn't happy or supportive of you, then she shouldn't be in yours. It's really that simple. The hard part is being open & honest with each other on how you feel. No one ever wants to look like the bad guy an it's way to easy to play the victim.

It's been said that if you want to know what a person is really like, plan a wedding or a funeral. Right now your friendship is suffering when it should be growing stronger, and for what, a date?

Ok, once again I say I'm special. I thought the MATRON was the one that didn't show up but now I see it was the MAID! (Did the Matron show up by the way?) I'm with Pam on this. She may feel the vibes you are sending of being sort of "resentful" towards the date she set. Also she may feel you aren't really sincere in being willing to help her with her wedding because of the forementioned reason. I'm not jumping on you - as friends you both need to talk to eachother about your TRUE feelings - but sometimes we need to realize when we are pointing the finger at others there are 3 fingers pointing back at us. You can NOT control her actions, but you have 100% control over yours.

So I guess this is basically an "AMEN" to Pancrow's comments!

I really don't think its a big deal...(Its not my desire to trivialize your feelings however)
I think that there isn't a need to hide ideas from each other and I hope you all can come to some kind of middle ground... If you are both as close as you say, then this is the time when you will need each other's friendship and help the most... When all your other friends are not feeling your pain, you will have someone who does cause she is going through the same thing....

My experience....I got married in March, my brother in July of this year...I wanted to help as much as I could because I had a very good wedding...nothing elaborate, but it went smoothly....I was hoping my brother and his fiance would be open to my help when they were trying to work out some problems that they had....But they didn't want my help, input or ideas...and thats fair.....I didn't think much about it, esp since they are both smart kids....we get to the rehearsal, and things fell apart....bad! His fiance told me she didn't want to hear how I handled certain situations because she didn't want to "compare weddings" (so then I understood that now in her mind, she was wanting to be as original as possible....) but the wedding was almost a disaster that even the guests can see.....So what I am trying to say is that they were so bent on keeping everything so hush hush and "original", they eliminated some very practical advice I had to offer that could have remedied the problems....even when they watched the DVD of the wedding at my house, they were horrified at what they saw! His fiance was almost in tears, and it was very hard for me to watch something happen that YOU KNOW what the result will be, and have to bite my tongue trying to be fair....

So what I hope you all do is to be sensible, don't worry and HELP each other. My brother came to me later and realized they could have had some help....I was hurt for them because despite his fiance (who didn't really mean any harm) they didn't deserve to have that happen to them....I wasn't trying to tell them how to run their wedding, but even we are on a webite like this to seek help from others because we don't have the answers ourselves. No idea is 100% unique...And if it is, and someone steals it, then there is surely a way to make it your own...I am sorry it seems like she is stealing your thunder, and possibly in all the excitement (& a little jealousy) she found a way to get a lil' attention too....can you blame her for imitating her friend (you)?

I am not trying to get on you, but I thought I'd give a little different perspective....I think you all will be JUST FINE:)

glad to hear you guys were atlease able to talk and sort things out. just continue to keep her in prayer

Now thats what I'm talking about....As much as It can be hard, we just have to be the bigger woman, and take the lead and the initiative to work it all out, even when the other person is in the wrong....And you were able to get to the bottom of things...So the details of the weddings were not even the problem:)

Anyways, in the end, remember that as long as the wedding is going to happen, all in involved will HAVE to fall into place whether they fall into place on schedule, or behind everyone else due to slower finances, hesitation, or whatever....and if they do not show up, so what? Their loss....you're still gettting married!

Wow now that is just out of control! My goodness good luck with what you are going to do. I guess you just dont know people sometimes.

This situation with your MOH seems to be getting out of hand!! If that phorenecall doesn't come today, then you need to have a proper chat with her. Force her to confirm whether she wants to be a part of your wedding or not. You understand that she is going through her own mess but you can't let that spoil your preparations. Especially not if she is saying things like that to her sister.

Keep us updated!! You deserve better friends than that!

I would not wait for her to call me. I would call her and tell her that I know she is busy with the planning of her own wedding, however I was wondering if being in my wedding is too much for her to handle at this time. I would kindly inform her that there would be no love lost if in fact she could not be in my wedding. I would rather know now the a week or so before my wedding.

You're a better woman than I am, cause I would have put her on blast. I hope this doesn't come back to bite you becasuse she is acting extremely shady and no one needs that going into one of the most special days of their life!

I would either ex her out the wedding or have a just in case back up. I would hate for her to spring it on you at the last minute that she couldnt be in your wedding.

mrsmoose091308-WOW!!
This is just MY opinion: If she is TRULY your friend then you need t decide what is more important to you. In our lives we go thru seasons and maybe you need to take a look at this situation and decide whether or not this "friendship" is worth the heartache/headache if you feel it is, then go with the flow and leave the door open for her, if not, Nip it in the bud! DO NOT give her the option of whether or not she wants to be in the wedding! planning a wedding is stressful enough without others bringing your more stress! why do people tend to do that??? what should be the happiest time in your life can also be the most miserable time in your life IF you allow people to steal your joy!! you are calling the shots on this one-not her! Good luck

Okay, I'm going to take a different approach and say this... I know MOH is your friend but personally, I would give this girl "the boot". As a friend, she SHOULD be more than happy to participate in all of the activities you have planned. But, what really sends out the red flag for me is the fact that she has such a negative attitude. You say "She says I better be lucky if she shows up to the bridal shower"??? WRONG!!! She would be lucky if I even allow her to participate in my wedding!!! And, the fact that she was in a hurry to get off the phone when you mentioned talking to her sister. HMMMM, I believe she said everything her sister mentioned, probably more than that. If you must keep her in the wedding, then I suggest "demoting her" and find a suitable replacement. Since she uses the excuse that she is busy planning her own wedding, give her a position with less responsibility like bridesmaid or hostess.

Enough is enough already! Why waste your precious time and energy stressing out about someone who has clearly been a hater since you asked her to be MOH?? You should separate yourself from the negative element. I hope I don't sound rude but, I just don't have the patience for people like this. I agree with Diamond's, Housewife's, KeepUp's, and soon2bsj's last comments.

well good for you mrsmoose091308!!! having peace is more important than ANYTHING else! as long as you know you did what you could to try to rectify the problem and just because she did not cooperate is not your fault-so go ahead and plan your wedding and make it even MORE beautiful than it was going to be so she can have something else to talk about!! LOL

I agree. I'm sorry it turned out like that but you did the right thing. Be blessed!

Sorry that you had to go through all of this drama during the time you should be the most happiest. Glad to see that you are doing ok.

U GO GIRL!!! It's a shame it had to end up like this but at least now you can concentrate on the fun parts of planning a wedding!