.......Okay so Fh's dad calls (my cellphone at 9:30 in the morning while I'm at work! I forgot to turn my ringer off shame on me lol) and leaves this message asking how I'm doing, he loves me and to tell FH to call him. Being that FH doesn't have a cellphone his mom, dad, and his bestfriend use me like a pager to give him messages via email.( I can't wait until he graduates so that mess will stop asap. I month and counting!) FH and him play phone tag for a couple of days until FH and I are at lunch I suggest he call him.
Anyway So as they're talking FFIL tells FH that he wants to talk to him about something. FH asks for a preview. FFIL declines (and I already knew it was some more slanderous garbage) knowing I'm sitting there with FH and states they'll discuss it later that night and wants to meet up with FH and I for dinner with him and his new girlfriend for dinner...
I seriously don't want to go based on FFIL habit of asking questions that are way to personal, telling business of my past to people, repeatedly bring up my past to FH. (FH always shoots FFIL down and stands up for me but it's getting old and very hurtful.) I tell FH and he starts talking about how I need to forgive FFIL for the things he's done to me. I have forgiven him I just haven't forgotton anything and when I try FFIL or engages in more of the behavior that makes me not want to be around him!
Case in point. More phone tag ensues between FH and FFIL until a few nights ago...FFIL brings up my past AGAIN and is extremely blunt with FH about me, asks FH if he's sure if he wants to get married to someone like me... The whole time stressing that he loves me but he's concerned for his son! Hello! Love keeps on record of wrongs. The things that are concerning FHIL happend before I was saved and a few monthes after!!! I'm a new person, that old person died when I accepted Christ! FFIL knows that but yet continues go there...And somehow doesn't think he's insulting me.
FH defends me as usuall and tells his dad basically to know his role, explains I cannot trust him based on the behavior he's exhibiting, and tells FFIL he loves me period and wants to marry me period. This conversation goes on this way until FFIL cellphone dies. FH is seriously considering his dad to kick rocks if he can't accept us wanting to be together. Ironically his dad is the one that introduced us in the first place.
FFIL considers himself an apoglogetic Christian, has been saved for decades, has some serious flaws of his own, continues to engage in worldly behavior, and has the nerve to be concerned about me?!
I'm trying so hard to forgive this man every time he hurts me. I realize he's doing this to make sure his son isn't making any mistakes. But I just can't get with FFIL saying he loves me but then asasignating my character and continuely looking for something wrong with me.
FH is extremely forgiving...and still wants to go to dinner with his dad so his father can talk to both of us. I still don't want go. I can say my flesh my rise up in ways man has never seen! That the old me might make a comeback appearence for one night only! lol Okay I won't go that far. But there is no way I can sit in this man's company, smile in his face and act like everything is okay. NOTHING about how he thinks about me or talks about me behind my back is okay. Fh thinks it will be good to get everything out in the open over dinner. I think if I go FFIL in might be wearing dinner...I'd rather decline and avoid that garbage completely.
.......Okay so Fh's dad calls (my cellphone at 9:30 in the morning while I'm at work! I forgot to turn my ringer off shame on me lol) and leaves this message asking how I'm doing, he loves me and to tell FH to call him. Being that FH doesn't have a cellphone his mom, dad, and his bestfriend use me like a pager to give him messages via email.( I can't wait until he graduates so that mess will stop asap. I month and counting!) FH and him play phone tag for a couple of days until FH and I are at lunch I suggest he call him.
Anyway So as they're talking FFIL tells FH that he wants to talk to him about something. FH asks for a preview. FFIL declines (and I already knew it was some more slanderous garbage) knowing I'm sitting there with FH and states they'll discuss it later that night and wants to meet up with FH and I for dinner with him and his new girlfriend for dinner...
I seriously don't want to go based on FFIL habit of asking questions that are way to personal, telling business of my past to people, repeatedly bring up my past to FH. (FH always shoots FFIL down and stands up for me but it's getting old and very hurtful.) I tell FH and he starts talking about how I need to forgive FFIL for the things he's done to me. I have forgiven him I just haven't forgotton anything and when I try FFIL or engages in more of the behavior that makes me not want to be around him!
Case in point. More phone tag ensues between FH and FFIL until a few nights ago...FFIL brings up my past AGAIN and is extremely blunt with FH about me, asks FH if he's sure if he wants to get married to someone like me... The whole time stressing that he loves me but he's concerned for his son! Hello! Love keeps on record of wrongs. The things that are concerning FHIL happend before I was saved and a few monthes after!!! I'm a new person, that old person died when I accepted Christ! FFIL knows that but yet continues go there...And somehow doesn't think he's insulting me.
FH defends me as usuall and tells his dad basically to know his role, explains I cannot trust him based on the behavior he's exhibiting, and tells FFIL he loves me period and wants to marry me period. This conversation goes on this way until FFIL cellphone dies. FH is seriously considering his dad to kick rocks if he can't accept us wanting to be together. Ironically his dad is the one that introduced us in the first place.
FFIL considers himself an apoglogetic Christian, has been saved for decades, has some serious flaws of his own, continues to engage in worldly behavior, and has the nerve to be concerned about me?!
I'm trying so hard to forgive this man every time he hurts me. I realize he's doing this to make sure his son isn't making any mistakes. But I just can't get with FFIL saying he loves me but then asasignating my character and continuely looking for something wrong with me.
FH is extremely forgiving...and still wants to go to dinner with his dad so his father can talk to both of us. I still don't want go. I can say my flesh my rise up in ways man has never seen! That the old me might make a comeback appearence for one night only! lol Okay I won't go that far. But there is no way I can sit in this man's company, smile in his face and act like everything is okay. NOTHING about how he thinks about me or talks about me behind my back is okay. Fh thinks it will be good to get everything out in the open over dinner. I think if I go FFIL in might be wearing dinner...I'd rather decline and avoid that garbage completely.
Wedding Ticker from WhenIsMyWedding.com
A much as I know how the "old" can come back I think you should go. Let him have his say and show him just how much of a woman you are now by showing class and grace. I would throw in off the wall comments just to knock him off base:
FFIL - "You know I'm real concerned about your past."
YOU - "I was thinking of throwing some old school traditions into the wedding as well. What do you suggest?"
FFIL - "Do you really think you two should get married?"
YOU - "I was considering a Friday ceremony and Saturday reception brunch, but I thought it would be easier to have everything on the same day."
He'll be looking super crazy but keep a straight face and let him know he will not get to you. Even if you go crazy later, don't give him the satisfaction!
I completely agree. You never know, God often puts you in situations to show you just how mature in him you have become and this may be one of them. Also, you are often times put in uncomfortable situations not only to help you grow, but to teach somebody else. Really, just look for the higher purpose in it all. Just get prayed up before you go and keep God in mind while you are there and you should get through it fine.
Real love requires a minimum of emotion and a maximum of the will - Bishop Keith W. Reed, Sr.
Abeni, I totally understand your frustration and i agree with the other Vibrides. Go to dinner and stay positive throughout. Remind yourself that this FFIL's hang-up, not yours. It sounds like you are still self-conscious about your past (prior to being saved) so maybe a little soul searching about your fears of being judged would be good before you sit down with this fool, uh i mean, guy. You know who you are now, FH knows who you are now, and you two are the ones who have built trust and understanding. So stand your ground as the strong, calm, and collected woman you know you can be. Let FFIL run off at the mouth if he chooses and get that dirt off your shoulder.
I personally think that it would be a good opportunity for you guys to get togethor and discuss some issues. I think you should let him talk and express how he deeply feel and you express how he deeply feels. I think that this should all be addressed before you get married. I would explain to him yes I have made mistakes, we have all made mistakes. I would tell him that who are you to judge me. GOD forgives me and have helped me change my life to become a better person, you son loves and forgives me, so he should respect his son's decision and open his heart up to you and welcome you with open arms into his family. I would inform him that we are getting married and the only thing that he is doing is building a bigger and wider bridge between him and his son. I would tell him what happened in the past is in the past, and no matter how much you wish you could take it back you cant. The only thing that you could do now is live for today.I think that after you all talk he will realize that you make his son happy and will respect you and your relationship more. I dont see why you guys just can't talk it out like mature adults. I do however as a parent understand where he is coming from, and the concern about his son being hurt. Girl because I would have to take it to the street if someone hurt my babies. I would hate to see your fh not speaking to his dad over something like that.
[img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;17;90/st/20080718/e/Two+Hearts+Became+One%21/k/b47e/event.png[/img]
Ok I thought about this, and I say go. Use the ignore/new topic when ever possible & be sweet as pie the whole time. Like when you see a couple out and they can't keep their eyes off each other. Then make it even more uncomfortable for him by refering to him with a pet name, different one each time:
"pass the butter suger plum" "oh, no problem snookums" Hold his hand, stroke his cheek, pick invisible lint off his hair!
THIS SHOULDN'T BE TOO HARD FOR YOU GUYS...I SAW YOUR VIDEO!!LOL
oops that wasn't supposed to be in caps, but i guess i'm making a point. You guys are in LUB! it's new day and he needs to put old $hit aside. Sorry!
I agree with the ladies that you should go. I would probably catch him off guard by bringing it up first, like right afte you give the waitress your order, by saying "I understand you have some concerns regarding your son & me." Then it's a game of chess from there. Listen to what he says, explain how you feel and agree that when you leave that table, whatever needs to be said has been said so that you all can move on and let what's going to be, go ahead and be.
"I'm a work in progress, God is not through me yet"
[quote="IvyPrincess"]I completely agree. You never know, God often puts you in situations to show you just how mature in him you have become and this may be one of them.
[/quote]
I totally agree with Ivy...just pray before you go, keep your cool, and put it all in God's hands.
...............and we will all be praying for you.
Thank you all very much for your advice...I still don't want to go but like you have said it's has to be done. I can't avoid this confrontation forever as much as I'd like to. I'm sorry for all the mispellings in my previous post. I was typing entirely to fast.
In the end I just want everyone to get along and accept me into the family. I realize this may not happen and maybe this will show me how to deal with that. It's easy to say everyone is not going to like you. But when it comes to family, especialy a family that I had a good repor with until FH's sister told all my business, it hurts.
Wedding Ticker from WhenIsMyWedding.com
You'll gain back repor through time.You are who you are NOW, a respectful, humble woman so who can hate that? It would be hard for his family to keep remembering the old if you keep being the same sweet person that they've always known (first hand NOT second hand).
You two are going to be married for a long time, and as time passes that old mess will be so far in their memories. FSIL may even be embarrassed that she brought it all back up in the first place.
When is this dinner to happen?
Abeni,
Your meetig should not be only with your FH and FFIL it should be with the following.
Ur Pastor - His Pastor - Ur parents - Ur FMIL - Ur FFIL - FH
Prayer first if it is not done automatically suggest it.
Explaing what has been happening how it makes you feel, and what you would like to see happen in the future.
Often times when we have been saved a long time we tend not to include God in the equation. It may seem like this is alot of people but really it isn't. You will need the support of spiritual guidance of both pastors (if possible) to rid the demons the devil has unleashed into your life at this point.
Ur past is just that unless u continue to embrace then it should be left there, this is not about what your FFIL is doing in his life, it is about the negativity he is planting in your future together. Bind and cast out the demons now bcuz as you get closer to ur union day the harder it is going to be.
Introducng the new Mrs. Durrant!!!
I personally wouldnt want my pastor or anyone else for that matter in my discussion with my ffil. I think that you will be fine with your husband handling this situation. I think that once you stand up for yourself in a respectable way of course, instead of your husband speaking up for you, he will respect you more.
[img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;17;90/st/20080718/e/Two+Hearts+Became+One%21/k/b47e/event.png[/img]
Yeah I think the less people in your BI the better. But if he isn't backing down, maybe then I would think about having to involve someone he respects and would listen to, like pastor.
Shoot, but if it goes all the way to the left like that...I might just leave well enough alone and let him be. You can't control how he thinks or who he runs his mouth to.
OK I'm just gonna pray that all goes well and that he listens and respects what ya'll have to say.
Abeni,
I don't know if the meeting has occured or not but first you have to decide that no matter what happens, you will forgive this person for being so hateful towards you...Then say:
"I understand your concerns as a father, so I ask for your prayers to cover this wedding. Since I know you trust in God as I do, please take whatever worries you have about us to God and trust that he will make evreything alright." In fact I encourage you to pray for us because things get tough and we need all the prayers we can get."
In this way you can minister to him, and he can then decide if he wants to be a hinderance or a help.
We've been Happily Married 2 Years and Counting:)
a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/">
Abeni where are you? Did this meeting happen yet? How did it go?
[quote="FutureMrsKeepUp"]Abeni where are you? Did this meeting happen yet? How did it go?
[/quote]
I was wondering the same thing. Is everything OK?
Ya'll didnt hear she went postal and wipped everybody out.
[img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;17;90/st/20080718/e/Two+Hearts+Became+One%21/k/b47e/event.png[/img]
Too funny, House. I am a little concerned now..............where is she?