Okay, here's something else for one of my girlfriends (not the same girlfriend from before). She really needs advice. So, after so many posts, I'm going to print this post out and have her read it. I will post my suggestions to her as well. First, I will give you some background.
My girlfriend (let's call her Candi) is due to get married next November). They will be getting married on their 7 year anniversary. Her and Mike have 2 kids together and she has an older child from a previous relationship. Rewind 5 years ago...she met a guy (Dave) and they were friends. When she met him, she approached him and wanted to get "revenge" on Mike for hurting her (not by cheating). So they were friends and one thing led to another and they started sleeping together. To date, it has happened around 10 times.
Problem...she has developed VERY strong feelings for Dave. And although she's supposed to be getting married, she can't leave Dave alone. She explained herself to Dave and he's willing to "fall back" because he doesn't want to mess up her home life and don't want her stressing over their situatation. She loves Mike more than anything in the world and still wants to marry him more than anything. (She says Dave is not worth losing her family). However, she loves Dave and doesn't want him not to be a part of her life.
She's literally torn. She called me crying because she's so confused. What's your advice to her?
Okay, here's something else for one of my girlfriends (not the same girlfriend from before). She really needs advice. So, after so many posts, I'm going to print this post out and have her read it. I will post my suggestions to her as well. First, I will give you some background.
My girlfriend (let's call her Candi) is due to get married next November). They will be getting married on their 7 year anniversary. Her and Mike have 2 kids together and she has an older child from a previous relationship. Rewind 5 years ago...she met a guy (Dave) and they were friends. When she met him, she approached him and wanted to get "revenge" on Mike for hurting her (not by cheating). So they were friends and one thing led to another and they started sleeping together. To date, it has happened around 10 times.
Problem...she has developed VERY strong feelings for Dave. And although she's supposed to be getting married, she can't leave Dave alone. She explained herself to Dave and he's willing to "fall back" because he doesn't want to mess up her home life and don't want her stressing over their situatation. She loves Mike more than anything in the world and still wants to marry him more than anything. (She says Dave is not worth losing her family). However, she loves Dave and doesn't want him not to be a part of her life.
She's literally torn. She called me crying because she's so confused. What's your advice to her?
I can imagine that she is torn. She's been with Mike for 7 years, but met Dave 2 years into the relationship, am I reading that right?
First and foremost, she should pray and ask for help in sorting out her feelings. We could give her a smorgasbord of advice, but in the end, it is still her decision. You say Dave is not worth her losing her family. That speaks volumes!
If it were me, I would have to pull away from Dave, because my family and my future means more to me than building hopes on something that "might" be. Does Dave "LOVE" her as she "loves" him? She wanted to get revenge on Mike. It's not revenge if Mike knows nothing about it (does he know?). Dave is right to "fall back"...she needs distance from him in order to focus on what's really important. Don't see him, don't call, don't write, and PRAY!!! Prayer changes things and situations...maybe not as fast as we would like, but in its own time...
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[quote="jayreebrat"]I can imagine that she is torn. She's been with Mike for 7 years, but met Dave 2 years into the relationship, am I reading that right?[/quote]
Yes, she's been dealing with Dave for a little over half of her relationship with Mike
[quote="jayreebrat"] You say Dave is not worth her losing her family. That speaks volumes! [/quote]
This is how she says that she feels
[quote="jayreebrat"]If it were me, I would have to pull away from Dave, because my family and my future means more to me than building hopes on something that "might" be. Does Dave "LOVE" her as she "loves" him? [/quote]
I don't know. She says that he tells her that he loves her.
[quote="jayreebrat"] It's not revenge if Mike knows nothing about it (does he know?).[/quote]
No, she would never tell Mike about Dave. But Dave knows about Mike.
Wow this one is a doosey!!!!! First and formost Candi should pray and ask The Almighty for guidance. Secondly, Candi should take a permanent break from Dave! If she still wants to marry Mike then she should focus on her relationship with her FH. She should think about her two children and how this would affect them if Mike were to find out. In her own words she says Dave is not worth losing her family over! That is the answer. Leave Dave alone, while it may feel good to be with him, the consequences are not worth it!!! Candi has learned a very valuable lesson, seeking revenge as a way to deal with pain or hurt is not the answer. Things have gotten out of hand. I wish her peace in this situation. I hope it works out for all parties involved.
Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37
Rhony, you are so right. I told her to leave Dave alone but she says it's hard. She broke down to me and I feel very bad for her. One one hand she loves Mike but they have a lot of problems. She loves her children and only wants the best for them. On the other hand, she loves Dave. She realized how much she loves him when she went to break it off and couldn't. The girl was in tears that's how much she's confused. She said she can't see either one of them not being in her life.
Babe! She should not be marrying ANYONE! Her mind is not on commitment. That is what marriage is and once a cheater always a cheater. She will cheat the minute she is off her honeymon if not on her very wedding day.
Marriage is SERIOUS. She loves Mike, but not more than anything. SHe loves her family, but she has put it in risk EVERYTIME she winds up with Dave and I don't just mean in bed. You can have an affair in your head long before you do the dirty, dirty. She did not take Mike into consideration then and she won't now.
She needs to fly solo and sort things out. What a waste of money planning a wedding that she is surely gonna regret.
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Excellent way to put it Rosey! She has been battling some issues deep inside since she was younger - docs told her she may never be committed to one person because of the issues that she has (which was out of her control). I'm printing this now so she can read it. Thanks ladies.
Good luck! I hope she doesn't get mad at YOU for OUR opinions!
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Okay you know I have to put my 2 cents in! I believe that a REAL man would break up with her himself. What kind of man is comfortable with being on the down low? If he loves her he would want all of her, not part of her, and he wouldn't just back off enough so Mike wouldn't suspect. She really needs to cut Dave off before she gets pregnant from him or something, or she gets caught in the act...I know she loves him, but its never God's will for a person to be torn like that....So many men that I cared for and even loved so much have come in and out of my life, and if I had pursued it it may have been something there but I decided that my FH deserves all of me, just whats left over from the part of my heart that I am giving to someone else. She needs to definitely decide and decide quickly the consequences....true consequences, and:
Askalot ask her how she would feel if she found out tomorrow Mike is doing exactly the same thing?
I really can't tell who she loves more, but this is only going to lead to disaster....She may get caught and then unless God chooses to soften Mike's heart, she will lose one or even both men. I would evaluate this Dave's motives because like I said, a real man wants a whole woman, not whats left over from what she gives to another...Not trying to be mean, but not speaking whats real is like a slap in the face to me. Plus, I don't want her to wait until disaster strikes...Then what lesson is left to learn?
She has already made the mistake, now she needs to weigh the consequences of pursuing these (yes, both) dangerous relationships (cause they both can cause form in some way).
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Pray and let it go. After that you answer will be clear as day, but you have to trust it (the answer) and go with it.
Girl any man will be comfortable with being on the down low as long as he is getting some buried treasure. Especially if they went it this knowing that it was only going to be sexual. I know it is too late now, but feelings should have never been involved if she had no itentions on living her husband. She is going to have to sit down and decide what's more important to her. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Sounds to me she already know what needs to be done, because she said Dave is not worth losing her family. PLEASE BE CAREFUL! My mother always said dont play with people's feelings. Dave said the he will back down easily but you never know. He might even call her husband. I think she should sleep with Dave one more time( LOL JUST KIDDING)and tell him that they have to go their seperate way. She has to delete his phone numbers and lose all contact with him.
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Bottom line----------- She's not ready to get married! She is in love with herself and no one else! I say that because it's selfish to be involved with 2 men at the same time and not regarding the feelings of the one you are planning to marry. I am a therapist and I have never heard of someone telling a client or patient that they are not capable of making a commitment. Whether she was molested, raped or whatever, at some point you change and want different things for your life. I think that she should let Mike go and allow him to find someone that can love him the way that he deserves. As for the other dude, he is fine with the arrangements, in fact it's ideal, what man would turn down free &^%*( and no strings attached! Sorry if I sound harsh but I'm calling it what it is!
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SHE IS ALREADY MARRIED!!!!!!
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As for the other dude, he is fine with the arrangements, in fact it's ideal, what man would turn down free &^%*( and no strings attached! Sorry if I sound harsh but I'm calling it what it is!
My thoughts exactlly
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I thought she is ABOUT TO BE MARRIED IN NOVEMBER. Man if she is alreadty married then she really has to get rid of Dave.
Love hurts.
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Hey ladies!!!!
Update:
I let her read up to my response to Rosie's post. She basically came to this conclusion. She IS going to stop seeing Dave. She truly is in love with Mike and is still going to marry him. Reality set in when she read the posts and could never see her life without Mike or without her complete family.
Having been with the same man since I was 16 (30 now). I have NEVER cheated on him and I never will. If the day comes that his love is not enough for me I will divorce him before I do something to him that I don't want done to me. Marriage and commited relationships are based on mutual respect, trust and then love. It makes no sense to destroy something so important as your famliy. She says that she does not want to mess things up with Mike, well she already has. No matter wether he finds out or not things will never be the same again. All she can talk about is how She feels. Selfish, selfish, selfish and very greedy. She needs to man up take responsibility and end this now.
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Great Askalot, the sistahood does it again!!!!
Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37
[quote="georgiagurl"]Having been with the same man since I was 16 (30 now). I have NEVER cheated on him and I never will. If the day comes that his love is not enough for me I will divorce him before I do something to him that I don't want done to me.
It's not even so much of it getting to the point of not doing it to hurt him, what about not doing it because you have moral's and more respect for yourself as a women then to stoop to that level.
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[quote="housewife147"]Having been with the same man since I was 16 (30 now). I have NEVER cheated on him and I never will. If the day comes that his love is not enough for me I will divorce him before I do something to him that I don't want done to me.
It's not even so much of it getting to the point of not doing it to hurt him, what about not doing it because you have moral's and more respect for yourself as a women then to stoop to that level.
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You are right it is about self respect as well but I was speaking from a relationship standpoint. I always think of my husbands feelings before I do anything and I know that he does the same. I don't know what works for others but for us just taking the time to ask ourselves how the other person would feel about something is what has kept us together and happy for all of this time.
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You're right!
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Amen!
Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37
Some days love is just not there but you fall back on the promises that you have made to each other. She has no right to be with Dave period. She cannot have her cake and eat it to. Perhaps she needs to take some time to herself and figure it out.
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For those of you that missed this.
[quote="SeptBride"]Hey ladies!!!!
Update:
I let her read up to my response to Rosie's post. She basically came to this conclusion. She IS going to stop seeing Dave. She truly is in love with Mike and is still going to marry him. Reality set in when she read the posts and could never see her life without Mike or without her complete family.
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Sorry to sound so judgemental, but sometimes in life you have to tell people the truth and not tip-toe around things. Tell your friend sorry to have came down so hard just did it out of SISTERLY LOVE!
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Looks like the problem is solved...or well on its way to be. i hope she is strong enough when she begins to let this guy go. This is the part of the real test. Its true, some guys are not willing to let go of a good situation. I had to get a restraining order on an ex who decided to stalk me when I broke up with him.....I was 19 years old!!!!
Anyhoo, some people are not above sabotaging the relationship by notifying her current man, showing up places where they BOTH will be, or trying to contact him. My silly uncle decided to cheat on his wife, and it produced a child. So his wife found out who this chick was who brought my cousin into the world (she found out...we all found out when the baby was 2 and she couldn't stand the pressure anymore)...anyway wifey found out, and caused so much trouble in the woman's life calling her job and telling who the baby's father was that my cousin's mom got fired and now has to work two jobs.....When an ex is disgruntled, they go crazy. So we have to pray she will be alright!
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Yes, I hope that she will be strong (well she convinced me anyway).
You're right about the ex's going crazy thing. When I was 20, I met this man and found out he was crazy when he pulled a gun out on me! Oh my goodness, I was so scared! All I could do was pray! I told God, if you get me out of this house, I promise to NEVER return! Anyway, I got out and immediately called the cops because he kept calling my cell after I left and was threatening to kill me if I just cut him off. Anyway, the stupid police came to my house to get a report and wanted me to get him to threaten me where they could hear. I call them stupid because they didn't turn their walkie talkie's off and he knew it was a set up. He went balistic!!!!! He told me that he'll never forget me and he may not see me again for a year or two, but I better not ever forget that he'll "get me" one day!
OMG Askalot that dude was crazy! Thank God you got out ok. The police are crazy for putting you in harms way like that. I had an experience with a crazy too. I broke it off with this guy, he kept calling me all night. I unplugged the phone and he came to my house 2am in the morning screaming and yelling. Well my neighbors called the cops on his butt. Well he left from in front of my house and I plugged my phone back up thinking this idiot would've stopped calling, well my phone was ringing when I plugged it up and it was him!!!! He stalked me for the next two weeks. He came to my job, my house, in the train station, you name it he was there. I called my brothers and a few male cousins asked them to make frequent visits to my house. I noticed that he stopped stalking me. God blessed me with a new job too. Needless to say I was terrified.
Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37
You have to be very careful when you get involved with people. You never no how they will react when it's over. Thank GOD you was ok and got out of there. Hopefully that nut is in a mental institution and wont hurt someone else.
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You are so right Housewife!
Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37
It is simple (not easy) but simple. Leave Dave alone!!!! Because while she's trying to figure out what to do the situation is going to get worst. If she loves Mike as much as she clames she do then leaving Dave alone will be no problem. The best way to think of it is to put her kids infront of the whole situation and that SHOULD help her make the right choice.
Viqueen
Once my sister told me how her friend stopped a stalker. She started to stalk him back! He left her alone but it was very risky. She could have gotten hurt.
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[quote="PureBliss"]Bottom line----------- She's not ready to get married! She is in love with herself and no one else! I say that because it's selfish to be involved with 2 men at the same time and not regarding the feelings of the one you are planning to marry. I am a therapist and I have never heard of someone telling a client or patient that they are not capable of making a commitment. Whether she was molested, raped or whatever, at some point you change and want different things for your life. I think that she should let Mike go and allow him to find someone that can love him the way that he deserves. As for the other dude, he is fine with the arrangements, in fact it's ideal, what man would turn down free &^%*( and no strings attached! Sorry if I sound harsh but I'm calling it what it is!
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That is what I was questioning what profession can tell someone they will never commit.The girl like the feeling of having a piece of cake and a sliece of pie.And the outside man like the feeling of stealing piece on the side ;that is a male ego thing.I am sorry for her immediate family.How come FH hasn't realise what is going on all these years or is he doing the same thing? Just some thoughts which come to my mind.This does not make a good recipe for a marriage,...but I am not a counsellor.