Ladies, I need some serious advice before I overstep my boundaries & explode on a situation.
This past weekend was spent w/FH's family. His Mother on Saturday & his Stepmother & Father on Sunday. I was just briefing his SM on the wedding plans & status of everything when she made a comment that totally took me by surprise. Backtrack for a second to give you all a brief history. FH's very close w/both mothers. However, his mother's very jealous of FH's Stepmom to this day. To add insult to injury, FH sister's his mother's partner in crime. She will make comments & start so much garbage (mind you, she's 41 w/5 kids - need 2 tend to that basketball team she has instead of minding my stuff). Stepmom has been very patient by letting their garbage roll over the last 30 yrs (yes, that's how long this crap's been going on). But she stated that she's sick of it too & has spoken about it several times in the past & is to the point where it's best left alone for FH's sanity.
Stepmom tells me on Sunday that she has "no issue w/going into the ceremony alone, being seated w/the guests & being left off the invitations". I asked her why would she do/say this. I then find out all the drama that's been going on in FH's family & all I could do was shake my head as if to say "what the Bleepin' kinda Mickey Mouse B.S. is this".
After her explanation, I understood what she was saying, but my attitude is you're the one who's helping us pay for this affair, establish ourselves to this day, putting him through school, etc. NOT his mother (who by the way asked me was I buying her dress b/c she's poor & has no money). His SM has more than stepped up to the plate to the point that FH calls her Mom (not in front of his bio. mom though; again, she gets jealous & rants about how she's not his mother, etc.)
I told her that I can have FH's brother escort her in but being that she's been so involved w/us in more ways that 1, she deserves acknowledgement & a certain level of respect.
My question is, how would you all handle this situation? I'm tired of his mom every f'ing holiday complaining b/c we don't rush 2 see her, we spend more time w/FH's father & SM, etc. I hate to see my man upset & this tears him apart. He's said that this has gone on for over 30 years. In 1 way, I want to go off on his mother but would never want to appear disrespectful. In another sense, I say do our wedding the way we want to (having his mother, father, & SM's names on the invitations) & then addressing it w/his mother ONCE I become the Mrs. This is really starting to wear on my nerves. Before I'm appealing to my ViBride sistas for bail money, ya'll need to help me out here.
Ladies, I need some serious advice before I overstep my boundaries & explode on a situation.
This past weekend was spent w/FH's family. His Mother on Saturday & his Stepmother & Father on Sunday. I was just briefing his SM on the wedding plans & status of everything when she made a comment that totally took me by surprise. Backtrack for a second to give you all a brief history. FH's very close w/both mothers. However, his mother's very jealous of FH's Stepmom to this day. To add insult to injury, FH sister's his mother's partner in crime. She will make comments & start so much garbage (mind you, she's 41 w/5 kids - need 2 tend to that basketball team she has instead of minding my stuff). Stepmom has been very patient by letting their garbage roll over the last 30 yrs (yes, that's how long this crap's been going on). But she stated that she's sick of it too & has spoken about it several times in the past & is to the point where it's best left alone for FH's sanity.
Stepmom tells me on Sunday that she has "no issue w/going into the ceremony alone, being seated w/the guests & being left off the invitations". I asked her why would she do/say this. I then find out all the drama that's been going on in FH's family & all I could do was shake my head as if to say "what the Bleepin' kinda Mickey Mouse B.S. is this".
After her explanation, I understood what she was saying, but my attitude is you're the one who's helping us pay for this affair, establish ourselves to this day, putting him through school, etc. NOT his mother (who by the way asked me was I buying her dress b/c she's poor & has no money). His SM has more than stepped up to the plate to the point that FH calls her Mom (not in front of his bio. mom though; again, she gets jealous & rants about how she's not his mother, etc.)
I told her that I can have FH's brother escort her in but being that she's been so involved w/us in more ways that 1, she deserves acknowledgement & a certain level of respect.
My question is, how would you all handle this situation? I'm tired of his mom every f'ing holiday complaining b/c we don't rush 2 see her, we spend more time w/FH's father & SM, etc. I hate to see my man upset & this tears him apart. He's said that this has gone on for over 30 years. In 1 way, I want to go off on his mother but would never want to appear disrespectful. In another sense, I say do our wedding the way we want to (having his mother, father, & SM's names on the invitations) & then addressing it w/his mother ONCE I become the Mrs. This is really starting to wear on my nerves. Before I'm appealing to my ViBride sistas for bail money, ya'll need to help me out here.
"I's married now" - "The Color Purple"
MrsRobinson, You need to sit down with your FH and give him two possible options: Put both the mother, father & SM (mother out of respect, SM the respect she deserves anyways) and an alternative. No matter what you choose, you FH has to be behind you 100% so that if it may offend his real mom, he can say it was his decision too. Make sure he agrees to stand behind you or you both together if this issue comes up. It will have more standing (the option you set out) if its coming from him too. I think that the option you set out is good because everyone is on the invite and no one can complain.
To be very neutral, you can also say:
Both the (parents OR Families)
of
(Bride & Groom-full names for both)
invite you to celebrate our love, etc
We've been Happily Married 2 Years and Counting:)
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Exactly!!! That's how I wanted it worded, but the fact that she is willing to sit elsewhere behooves me. I'm not happy about that @ all. FH's w/me 110% as we've already discussed this numerous times, but in the end, I don't want SM to feel uncomfortable or whatever. It takes a "true lady" to do as she's offered, but I'm not allowing that. Guess I'll just have to eventually tell his mom to step off & his meddling sister to go take care of her kids!! Thx Bumblebee...
"I's married now" - "The Color Purple"
I would acknowledge his parents and step mother the way you originally planned. Like you said this is your wedding and you do what you think is right and what makes you happy. People are goint to have a problem with whatever you decide to do. Stop worring about what other people say or think and focus on what make you and your fh happy.
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I would definitely acknowledge his SM. You could simply put (his mom's name and Mr. & Mrs. (SM). Also, why can't his father walk his wife (SM) down the aisle? That's his family and his Dad's wife. I would even have two unity candles on his side, one for his mother to light and the other for his father and SM to light. I've seen it done before. Just think about that, you don't want to disrespect anyone but give credit where credit is due. SM sounds like she's just frustrated so that's why she's willing to take a backseat to the drama! Best wishes
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Pure, that's a great idea w/the unity candles. The Father could walk the SM down the aisle, but the mom would have a hissy. Her standpoint is that "She's his mother & not the SM". What a way 2 think right? I just had a convo w/FH about this & for the 1st time he said "Screw what his mother wants, this is our day & it'll be done our way. If his mom doesn't like it, stay home". WOW...did he just gor a set or what?! Lol.. Thanks for the idea of a unity candle. I think I will mention this to him & add it into the program. You ladies are truly phenomenal....
"I's married now" - "The Color Purple"
Hey there MrsRobinson2b. I am sorry that you and your FH are going through this. Personally I would include everyone's names. Your Future Father-In-Law should walk down the aisle with his wife -- no exceptions! His bio mom is not going to be happy about that, but this is not her wedding! She should be willing to put her emotional drama on the back burner for her son's happiness. Shame on her! You guys do what makes you happy. PB&J made an excellent suggestion for two unity candles that is a wonderful idea. You future step-mom is awesome, and she should be treated with the utmost respect because she has carried herself like a true lady. Good luck and keep us posted.
Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37
This is my opinon:
1) Put his Father, Stepmom & mother's name on the invites
2) Have her walk down the aisle with her HUSBAND
Have her participate in every aspect of the wedding that you & FH want her to. She will have a hissy fit - SO THE HELL WHAT!!!!!! If after 30 years she's still acting like this, let her continue. She'll be the one that looks like a FOOL on her son's wedding day. You can't take away from his stepmom just because his bio mom would have a fit. You said yourself she's helping with a lot in this wedding, why would you put her the background on the big day? That in itself would be so disrespectfu (IMO). Give credit where credit is due!
Well said Askalot!
Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37
Yes! Beautifully put Askalot.
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Well. You can stand your ground but you have to realize that wedding decisions go on long after the honeymoon is over. If she had held one grudge for 30 years. I would do what I felt. I am paying for it. If his mother has a problem she needs to keep it to herself.
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huh?
Do whatever you feel is best. Do what makes you happy and do not be afraid to gently remind your FMIL that the day is about you and your man and not her grudges.
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exactly!
Light Bulb!( just joking) Last day of detention!
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lol house. You're going add more time to the corner. lol
[quote="housewife147"]Light Bulb!( just joking) Last day of detention!
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Not! You are going to be in the corner for a little while long and with no TV or snacks! LOL!!!!
Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37
I am glad you have(the both of you) decided to d what is best for you all. My use to be best friend( not sure anymore) had a similar problem and she let her mom have her way and she was left standing at the door with an escort the day of her wedding....Yes, her stepdad had to give her away...b/c her felt as if she disrespected his wife by not putting ther name on the invitation but hse put her stepfather's name and now hs eodesn't even realyy speak w/ her father and his side of the family at all. She has to ask other people how they are doing. Bottom line it is your day enjoy it........."DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO"!!!!!!!!!!!!
Southerngirl.....
It is amazing that people who are not paying for anything would even get angry. I think it is important to nip that suff in the bud early in the planning stage. B/C I am illegitimate, I was considering having only me and my man's names on the everything (announcements, invitations, programs) or I may put my mother and her ex-husbands name and his parents. Either way, it is our choice.
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OK LADIES, I KNOW THIS POST IS A COUPLE OF DAYS OLD BUT I HAVE TO RESPOND. I BEGIN W/I AGREE WITH ALL THE LADIES. THEY ARE RIGHT. THIS IS YOUR DAY AND THE MEMORIES ARE YOURS. THEREFORE IT SHLD BE YOUR WAY. I CAN RELATE SINCE MY MOM IS THE BIO MOM!! NOT LITERALLY BUT THEY ARE THE SAME KIND OF PERSON. WHEN I GOT MARRIED THE 1ST TIME AROUND, SHE FELT SHE SHLD HV BEEN ABLE TO PICK EVERYTHING FROM THE KIND OF CEREMONY TO MY MOH TO WHO WALKED ME DOWN THE AISLE. THIS FROM A WOMAN WHO HAD NO FINANCIAL INPUT WHATSOEVER. SHE FELT LIKE WE SHLD HV GONE TO THE JUSTICE OF THE PEACE AND THEN HAD A BIG RECEPTION AFTERWARD TO SAVE MONEY. DUH, THE BIG MONEY IS THE RECEPTION. MY STEPGRANDAD WHO MY MOM CLD NT STAND ,WALKED HER IN WHEN SHE GOT MARRIED AT THE REV HOUSE. BASICALLY SHE DID EVERYTHING HER MOM'S WAY AND IS STILL SAYING IT TO THIS DAY. I TOLD HER MY REGRETS WILL BE MY OWN. I WILL NOT STILL BE TALKING ABOUT HOW I DID THINGS MY MOM'S WAY 30 YEARS LATER. AFTER ME PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN AND ADVISING HER IT WAS MY DAY, MY WAY, SHE ELECTED NOT TO COME. GUESS WHAT, NO ONE NOTICED!!!!!! I MEAN HONESTLY IF SHE WLD HV COME, ALL DAY I WLD HV BEEN WORRIED ABOUT WHAT DRAMA SHE WLD HV PRESENTED, WHAT TROUBLE SHE WLD HV STARTED. INSTEAD I HAD AN ABSOLUTLY PERFECT DAY EXCEPT FOR THE MAN I MARRIED)LOL. TO THIS DAY PEOPLE HAVE REMARKED ABOUT THE GREAT TIME THEY HAD AT THAT WEDDING, GIRL IT WLD HV BEEN A DIFFERENT STORY IF I WLD HV LET HER RUN THINGS. BOTTOM LINE YOUR DAY, YOUR WAY!!! IF YOU START BUCKLING NOW, YOU WILL ALWAYS DO SO.
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GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME; ALL THE TIME GOD IS GOOD. WHEN IN DOUBT, PRAY
WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING? LOL
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[quote="TAJMOM"]OK LADIES, I KNOW THIS POST IS A COUPLE OF DAYS OLD BUT I HAVE TO RESPOND. I BEGIN W/I AGREE WITH ALL THE LADIES. THEY ARE RIGHT. THIS IS YOUR DAY AND THE MEMORIES ARE YOURS. THEREFORE IT SHLD BE YOUR WAY. I CAN RELATE SINCE MY MOM IS THE BIO MOM!! NOT LITERALLY BUT THEY ARE THE SAME KIND OF PERSON. WHEN I GOT MARRIED THE 1ST TIME AROUND, SHE FELT SHE SHLD HV BEEN ABLE TO PICK EVERYTHING FROM THE KIND OF CEREMONY TO MY MOH TO WHO WALKED ME DOWN THE AISLE. THIS FROM A WOMAN WHO HAD NO FINANCIAL INPUT WHATSOEVER. SHE FELT LIKE WE SHLD HV GONE TO THE JUSTICE OF THE PEACE AND THEN HAD A BIG RECEPTION AFTERWARD TO SAVE MONEY. DUH, THE BIG MONEY IS THE RECEPTION. MY STEPGRANDAD WHO MY MOM CLD NT STAND ,WALKED HER IN WHEN SHE GOT MARRIED AT THE REV HOUSE. BASICALLY SHE DID EVERYTHING HER MOM'S WAY AND IS STILL SAYING IT TO THIS DAY. I TOLD HER MY REGRETS WILL BE MY OWN. I WILL NOT STILL BE TALKING ABOUT HOW I DID THINGS MY MOM'S WAY 30 YEARS LATER. AFTER ME PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN AND ADVISING HER IT WAS MY DAY, MY WAY, SHE ELECTED NOT TO COME. GUESS WHAT, NO ONE NOTICED!!!!!! I MEAN HONESTLY IF SHE WLD HV COME, ALL DAY I WLD HV BEEN WORRIED ABOUT WHAT DRAMA SHE WLD HV PRESENTED, WHAT TROUBLE SHE WLD HV STARTED. INSTEAD I HAD AN ABSOLUTLY PERFECT DAY EXCEPT FOR THE MAN I MARRIED)LOL. TO THIS DAY PEOPLE HAVE REMARKED ABOUT THE GREAT TIME THEY HAD AT THAT WEDDING, GIRL IT WLD HV BEEN A DIFFERENT STORY IF I WLD HV LET HER RUN THINGS. BOTTOM LINE YOUR DAY, YOUR WAY!!! IF YOU START BUCKLING NOW, YOU WILL ALWAYS DO SO.
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Taj, I agree w/you & based on your outcome I do not want that to be me. Thanks for giving me a "real-life" spin on how this may turn out.
Ladies..thank u all. I'm 2 the point that if his Bio Mom doesn't show...Oh Freakin' Well...1 less mouth we need 2 feed. I will leave it up to FH as this has been his lifelong burden. However, if she acts up..she'll be casually put out. Her & that sister of his...like the saying goes "Don't let the door hit u where the good Lord split you". I will keep you all posted as I know this isn't the last of this.
"I's married now" - "The Color Purple"
just remember to stand your ground early. give them no reason to feel that they are running things.
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I am so used to typing in caps for work(I work at the courthouse)until I forget to take it off at home. Sorry ladies
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GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME; ALL THE TIME GOD IS GOOD. WHEN IN DOUBT, PRAY
LOL.
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LOL, Stop Yelling at the Criminals. Let My People Go!!!!!!!!
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she may run into me one day cuz I never report for jury duty. LOL.
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