Can you relate?

I think that is really common in women. It seems like when we get older, it becomes less about sex and more about all the other stuff in life that we need to take care of. Of course you know that men and women have different perspective on the whole sex issue anyway. Men use it more as a way of release, women use it to show love and emotion, and it does not have to be 5 times a day. I have been celebate for several years due to what I believe. I told FH this (actually I told him this before I broke up with him the first time we were together). Even though he says he understands and he is willing to wait, he still *tries* to do stuff to entice me. Sometimes I actually feel sorry for him and try to help him out a little with just a *little* something (not the whole sha-bang) 'cause he seems so miserable. Anyway even with me being celebate I don't crave it all the time, I mean dont' get me wrong I have those times where it seems like if my FH looks at me for more then 2 seconds I want to throw him down and rape his behind, but not as much as I used to when I was in my early 20's. I definately don't think you are alone in this. Let me ask a question, did both of you start out with high sex drives and his stayed the same while your's dwindled, or was it always him chasing you around and you saying no?

I cannot tell you how much is normal and what isn't. What will never change unless by some anomaly is that men tend to want it more (but you know that)....
Before we stopped having sex we had a similar problem. I had to explain that it wasn't because I was not attracted to him, its that I really was tired, or not in the mood. Plus wedding planning is stressful and mind-draining, and he needs to understand that. Honestly your mood may not recover until after the wedding-who is to say. Even with 2 months left I don't even FEEL sexy and I do have some worry's...I guess "performance anxiety". Anyhoo. Back then I made it my duty to make him know in other ways that he is always THE one and no one else will make me feel the way he does. Even though sex is out of the picture right now,its that whole being saved thing:)......

It was VERY VERY hard to stop cold turkey and eventually I let him know that it would be like that.....He will be MY FH told me that all men love to have sex at their fingertips and freakout if the situaton changes. He is only badgering you to wear you down and give in to what he wants....Now don't feel bad because I say that...and no your man is not a jerk for being that way...Its kind of hard-wired in their DNA to try to get what they want even if it means getting on your last nerves!
If you don't want to then don't because if you MAKE yourself do it, then after a while you will resent the very act, and resent him for never considering your feelings. Then you'll have that one day when you really feel like all he wants is sex and though its not really true about him-remember than men are just like that.....Stand your ground-but let him know in other ways he's THE only one who can make you feel the way he does...but don't do it "for his sake". That would be a crime...
Its obvious you need a serious talk (not during bed time in a sexual environment because men equate bed with sex or any other environment that brings up these thoughts) and tell him that when he acts like that it seems as though thats all he wants.....even if its not true. Remind him that its not enough for you to just do it, but its better to really be in the mood so you both can enjoy it...And him pressuring you is making the situation worse....

I hope this helps but I know the other Vibrides can speak on this issue too.

[quote="Bumblebeekee"]
Before we stopped having sex we had a similar problem. I had to explain that it wasn't because I was not attracted to him, its that I really was tired, or not in the mood. Plus wedding planning is stressful and mind-draining, and he needs to understand that. Honestly your mood may not recover until after the wedding-who is to say. Even with 2 months left I don't even FEEL sexy and I do have some worry's...I guess "performance anxiety". Anyhoo. Back then I made it my duty to make him know in other ways that he is always THE one and no one else will make me feel the way he does. Even though sex is out of the picture right now,its that whole being saved thing:)......

It was VERY VERY hard to stop cold turkey and eventually I let him know that it would be like that.....He will be MY FH told me that all men love to have sex at their fingertips and freakout if the situaton changes. Its obvious you need a serious talk (not during bed time in a sexual environment because men equate bed with sex or any other environment that brings up these thoughts) and tell him that when he acts like that it seems as though thats all he wants.....even if its not true. Remind him that its not enough for you to just do it, but its better to really be in the mood so you both can enjoy it...And him pressuring you is making the situation worse....

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I agree %200 especially the stopping cold turkey part...

This is 1 of those subjects that everyone just feels different about. I agree with what the ladies said, at the same time,don't hate me ladies,relationships are a give and take thing. You guys need to sit down and come to some sort of compromise. I of course as an older woman with 7 kids,nt all biological, understand that I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT MENTALITY. When I experienced what you are, low energy, I went and got iron pills. If you need to take vitamins, iron pills etc please do so. How wld you feel if all of a sudden he no longer wanted you? You wld probably feel like he was cheating or something. Never say what a person will nt do. While we all know our fh are good, faithful men, there are females(notice the term i used) who will do anything to have what you have. My fh is a very good man who is old fashioned and comes from the bring your check home and let your woman handle business.He is a hard working 1 woman man. He has never in his life cheated while he was in a relationship. Even his ex's have confirmed he is neither a liar nor cheater. However, I have seen woman throw themselves at him several times over. While you can't make that the basis of your relationship, you have to sometimes consider his feelings and he yours. If you guys came to an understanding that's different but if not, it may nt be fair to change the game in the 9th inning. Men are silly, ok stupid:)lol. You can nt give them what they want and then decide to limit them. Ground rules need to be set. Also keep in mind The singer David Hollister said it best in his song "TAKE CARE OF HOME"

[quote="TAJMOM"]This is 1 of those subjects that everyone just feels different about. I agree with what the ladies said, at the same time,don't hate me ladies,relationships are a give and take thing. You guys need to sit down and come to some sort of compromise. I of course as an older woman with 7 kids,nt all biological, understand that I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT MENTALITY. When I experienced what you are, low energy, I went and got iron pills. If you need to take vitamins, iron pills etc please do so. How wld you feel if all of a sudden he no longer wanted you? You wld probably feel like he was cheating or something. Never say what a person will nt do. While we all know our fh are good, faithful men, there are females(notice the term i used) who will do anything to have what you have. My fh is a very good man who is old fashioned and comes from the bring your check home and let your woman handle business.He is a hard working 1 woman man. He has never in his life cheated while he was in a relationship. Even his ex's have confirmed he is neither a liar nor cheater. However, I have seen woman throw themselves at him several times over. While you can't make that the basis of your relationship, you have to sometimes consider his feelings and he yours. If you guys came to an understanding that's different but if not, it may nt be fair to change the game in the 9th inning. Men are silly, ok stupid:)lol. You can nt give them what they want and then decide to limit them. Ground rules need to be set. Also keep in mind The singer David Hollister said it best in his song "TAKE CARE OF HOME"
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I concur! 100%
I think you guys need to communicate more effectively about your sex life. He needs to know your expectations of him and vice versa. There will have to be compramise on both ends, ultimately it's important that everyone is satisfied.
Also, is it possible that you birth control method has caused your sex drive to become lower?

I agree with all of you...Housewife, your feelings may not be so different lke you think. I guess I just didn't have a chance to get there. It IS give and take and you DO have to take care of home. I flt bad having to ask him to stop cold turkey, and one thing I forgot to mention is that we DID NOT stop cold turkey right away, but my feelings on it was so strong, it became unbearable for me after a while so it was one of the reasons we stopped. Also this is why like all the ladies mentioned is that you have to talk and come to some sort of understanding that both of you can handle...I may be a little radical with mine, which trust me is VERY hard because once you tasted it before....ohhh weee.... But even still if there are other ways that you can agree on to show affection without havng sex then you should discuss these things. Doing this has allowed me and my FH to go a step further than what we are used to by finding other ways to please each other.
To me the most important thing is that you don't have sex just to please him. Its just that when it comes to making love, you are involving your body and your mind and so doing something like that just so he can enjoy or get a release is like someone put something in you that you don't want to recieve at the time. Because two people joining (and agreeing)together is a gift from God, and when only one person is participating mentally, then you really are not making love, you're just "doing it" and to me its a BIG Difference.....

Tell your future husband I said put down those damn viagra pills. lol Just joking. I had the same problem. My fh thinks I a robot, he didnt understand that once I get home, cook, help with homework, feed kids, put them to bed, get clothes out for the next day,I am swamped. I think you need to just come to some sort of compromise on how many times a week is good for you, or whatever. Just like your friends mine said the samething, just give it to him,be glad he is coming to you for it. Yeah that's all fine and well, but do things other than sexual things that will stimulate me. After I told my fh that, he started leaving me little notes, I would come home and the kids would be gone, food would be prepared, soft music, candlelights, bubble bath's and rose petals. And that made me feel more special. You can also talk to your doctor because you may also be having a hormonal embalance.

I can relate to this.I don't think you're being unreasonable but it may be a hormonal cause as to why you're not in the mood.You may want to talk to your doctor about this.I agree with the other ladies.You and your FH need to have a serious talk.

I can relate to not being in the mood and just being tired.I was driving trucks in my first marriage (my ex-hubby didn't).When I came home from being on the road,I was exhausted!Ex-hubby would get angry and yell,curse,and accuse me of cheating.(Of course I'm tired!I just drove 800 miles straight,just to get home to be with you!)He didn't care if I was tired,he just wanted sex.That was one of the major problems in our marriage.But,he should have shown some consideration for my feelings and atleast give me a massage or bubble bath with a glass of wine.Yelling and insulting me would only turn me off!

[quote="MsBoston"]
you know last month I had a big slip up... For some reason I forgot to put on my patch (my BC method) and I swear to you my drive seemed to pick up. Not seemed... it DID 100%. FH would now like to try a calander method to keep me in my natural state w/ ovulation and all./ After my period came (thank you GOD) You KNOW I had to shoot down that idea. But it did make me wonder if hormone BC has something to do w/ my low drive.
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That is definately a common side effect from Birth control, especially the patch. If you find that is the case you might want to research some other pills that might not give you such a low sex drive. In regards to being celebate it's not easy at all. Like I said when me and my FH broke it off first I made that decision to become celebate because of my belief, not just because I wanted to, BELIEVE me it had NOTHING to do with me...LAWD KNOWS!

I hit enter before I finished my last post....lol. Anyway when I discussed with my then boyfriend what I decided to do and most importantly why, He said that he will stick by my decision, even though I know it was very hard for him. Now that we've gotten back together, he came back into the relationship knowing this. Also being that he's trying to get a closer relationship with God he understands even more why this decision was made. DO NOT GET ME WRONG this is NOT an easy task on either one of us...all we can do it take it day by day....and stay prayed up!!!!! But, in your case I would definately look into maybe different kinds of birth control pills to see which ones work best for your body. I just started back taking BC pills becuase I wanted to have enough time to test out which ones work best with my body, I didn't want one that would make me moody, or cause low libido, or anything like that. My dr. has me on Microgestin FE....it seems to be working great...

The one I'm taking (microgestin) is the generic brand for a BC pill called Loestrin. These are lower in estrogen which, and we know what estrogen is the hormone that causes, moodiness, weight gain and a host of other side effects in women. Our bodies already produce progestin and estrogen naturally, especially around the time of our monthlies (that's why some women get attitudes, or have some weigh gain mostly during that time). Of course this is not the case with all women because the female body is so unique and complex there is no way you can pinpoint what is the best for any one individual. You should probably speak with your gyn., tell them what's going on and ask him/her about pills with a lower estrogen, see if that's okay for your body. Or maybe they make a patch with lower estrogen levels, not too sure about that one, but I would definately ask to see if you have any other options...

We remail celebate because when I became saved, it was one of the biggest things I was dealing with at the time. My resolve to stop having sex before we were married was bigger than his just because we were unequally yoked. Its so hard to stay that way, and yes we had slip ups in the past, but we have managed. Right now we are so busy we hardly see each other much and when we do we PURPOSLEY keep our visits short because if we get to comfortable, then we open the door.

We do get a little too touchy-feely sometimes, but we push hard to stop. We WERE like rabbits in the beginning, so best believe its all GOD that keeps us right. It has nothing to do with me, cause if I had it my way, I wouldn't be able to say what I'm saying right now:)

AMEN BUMBLEBEE!!! AMEN!!

Whatever you want to do, just do it:)
We all here support you, and we all keep it real here. I am lucky to be in such great company....With everyone of YOU:)

[quote="Bumblebeekee"]Whatever you want to do, just do it:)
We all here support you, and we all keep it real here. I am lucky to be in such great company....With everyone of YOU:)
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I AGREE!....To each HER own....that's why this site is so great...we can all have different opinons on matters...and it's okay....we respect each other....that's wonderful....I'll say this for the ga-gillionth time...I'M SOOOOO GLAD I STUMBLED ONTO THIS SITE!!!LOL

I'm at work and got side tracked and forgot what I was going to say. Any hoo, right on sisters.

I know I'm late, but I can relate - somewhat. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm like a little jackrabbit. Then, I calm down a week before my cycle is due. I think my drive is A LOT higher than FH's, but he tries to hang in there. Other times, I know that although I want it, I need to fall back. I don't pressure him though or get an attitude. Mind you, it wasn't always like this though. There was times when I saw that I constantly turned FH away and then I started to feel bad. And then, I just gave it when I really didn't want to. And believe me, we BOTH knew I was just doing it. Then about 2 years after I had my daughter, it was on and poppin'!

MsB, hang in there girl. FH will be alright. You could just be going through hormonal changes right now. Besides, there's always other things to do beside intercouse. hmm hmm :-)

[quote="MsBoston"]

And so I've learned...and he'll just have to hang in there while I get my mind (and body) right!
Thanks yall!
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Here Here!

And I will second, third, and fourth that!!!

[quote="MsBoston"]Ladies, BIG problem. I really need advice.
FH and I have a tight relationship, we never argue about the usual things (money, chores, bills...) But we can't seem to come to terms about our $ex life. It's like that's ALL he ever wants to do...ALL the time, everyday. And to be truthful, when I'm not in the mood, he gets a BIG attitude, and can't get over the fact that it's not going down. Then he blows it all out of proportion talking 'bout I must not have the same desire for him as I used to...blah, blah, blah...It's like if he's not 'getting some' all hel(l) is breaking loose. I mean he doesn't get the fact that sometimes I'm just tired, or sometimes I just don't feel like it. It's REALLY beginning to become a huge problem in our relationship. My girlfriends are so unrealistic like, "well just do it...at least he's coming to you" I don't think he'll look elsewhere...It's just that I don't have the energy to keep up at his pace. Maybe I need some vitamins or something?? he doesn't think it's normal for me not to want it all the time like he does.
Be honest...on average what is normal?
Maybe I need to spike his drinks w/some anti-depressants to slow his behind down for real!
Anyway, let me know what you ladies think. In the meantime, let me go grab a few red bulls, he'll be home soon. :(
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My problem is similar to yours only reversed. My husband seems to not have a strong sex drive and it's driving me crazy! I don't think that I'm overly sexed; I think that I was celibate for 11 years and by God, it was time for me to open the flood gates and let passion wash over me. Little did I know that when we were dating, my FH now my husband put up a farse, trying to keep up with me when it was killing him. He knows that this puts tension between the two of us so, he saught the help of a doctor. The doctor is testing him for low testerone. If this is the case, he can be helped. Getting back to your situation; your husband (FH) needs to learn to be understanding about this. However, in the case of men, this is easier said than done. At my wedding, one of my I(play-mom's) gave me this advice, "Don't go to bed angry (hard for me to do sometimes) and just to ahead and give him some, it will be over before you know it." Now, she's a lot older than I am so, her tolorance for that type of resolution would be a lot harder for someone younger. I guess it boils down to loving each other enough to wither the storms and to be considerate of each other. It doesn't sound like he's lacking for sex; he's being a little greedy. As for him straying, if this is the case, he's not good enough for you and your not wanting to do it all of the time is not an excuse to stray. We allow men to slide with a standard that seems to only apply to them and not us.

If you can go to bed without being angry (which is hard for many married couples, trust me!) I applaud you and anyone else who is able to be humble in this aspect. I know that with the help of a higher power, the things we struggle with in time can be conquered incessantly making petitions to God. Sometimes a bad childhood, bad parenting can contribute to your attitudes and reactions to disagrements that usually take place between married couples. Personally, I know that my maturing as an individual and a newly married person is a continuous work in progress. Like many people who didn't have a "Norman Rockwell" upbringing, I didn't have a good example to follow in as far as my parents day to day interactions with one another. Parents are to be an example to their children. This is not an excuse for behavior that negates a positive relationship between a husband and wife.

As for my situation, I really strive to be very understanding with regard to this, as it is a sensitive subject for men. However, the key is to be understanding of each other which is what counts in the long run. It boils down to being sensitive to the needs of the other, if it doesn't harm you mentally and/or physically. Speaking withy regard to the medical aspect, my husband has low iron probably because he does not eat meat and does not eat most vegetables. He is tired a lot and I really take his feelings into consideration, as he does my feelings and needs. I am happy to be married to someone who understands my imperfections.