HELP -- Deadbeat Dad issues

I'm not personally in this situation but I can understand how you are feeling.

IMO, you shouldn't do anything that's going to make you feel uncomfortable on your day! He can sit in the second row (not the front). And if you don't want to take pics with him, then don't. I don't know what I would do - but I would not have them in the family album!

Are you inviting him because you feel a sense of obligation or because you want to? Is he even going to accept the invitation given the nature of your relationship?

IMHO - This day is for you and your FH. If you will in any way feel uneasy by having him there, I would say don't invite him at all. This is not the time to "fix" a relationship. If he will be there He can be seated at an available seat like the other guests. As far as pictures, he'd get the general pictures any other "regular" guest would.

On another note, I am so sorry to hear about the relationship, or lack there of, you have with your father. My father has always been in my life and we have been very close since my freshman year in high school. I can't imagine him being anywhere else but there for me on this important day. Hopefully whoever is "giving you away" has provided the strong male influence in your life I feel we all need. Remember, its his loss! Enjoy your day YOUR WAY!

Wow Bama, your situation is so simular to mine. But my mom doesnt even want him to come to the ceremony AT ALL. I have 3 sister on his side, and they are attending. He knows I am getting married but he is very very stubborn. He is more of the "your grown now, so you should make a effort". Like he made one at all when I was younger. His sister called to stay congrats but of course he didnt even call at all. So I am almost with my mom with the whole "no invite" policy. But on the other hand, there is a part of me that wants him there even though he hasn't been in my life. It is at times very stressful for me and my wedding is more than a year away. I can only image how you feel Bama.

I know I didn't give any advice but your post caused me to vent a little. Sorry about that...but it does feel good to atleast talk about it and see someone who is in a simular situation. So, any advice ladies on the deadbeat dad issue.

Ok, This is how me personally knowing what you are going through would do. When I was about to get married my ex-FH was dead set on the fact that my father needed to be there. Unlike you, I have know idea where he is and really truly could careless. So I was not inviting him.For what, he was not there when I needed him to be the man in my life. So why did he need to be there when I found the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life together with(breathe).

Sorry I was having a moment. Back to you, if you feel this strongly about him being this much involved then don't invite him. If you do invite so that you feel like you attempted to make peace. Like KeepUP stated treat him as such just another guess. That male figure that was there when you needed him, let him get is just deserve. I think you really don't want him there but you were raised by one of the "good old southern christian woman" and you kind of feel bad if you don't, believe me I know the feeling. That's when I say "God knows my heart" and call it a day.

I think you should invite your father to your wedding even if you dont plan to have him sitting in a special seat. Inspite of your differences show him that you are the bigger person. My father is deceased and I would love to have the oppurtunity to make ammends or give him a second chance. I know it is easier said than done, but sometimes we hold on to past hurts, circumstances and situations that could hinder us from recieving all God has for us. Ask God to lead and guide you. He will make it plain. I pray that he will give you both a forgiving heart and the peace that you need to enjoy your day. Think about it :)

bama, you said you really don't WANT him there. Please don't have him there then. Everytime you look up and see his face, it's going to make you feel some kind of way. Like you said, the last thing you want is to catch flashbacks of him not being a part of your life on your wedding day.

I know as Christians, we are supposed to forgive and continue to love the people that has done so much harm to us. I'm not fully there yet and I know if I don't want someone at my wedding, they will not be there.

You're torn. I could tell. Take some time and weigh your pros and cons and if your cons out weigh your pros, then don't invite him and vice versa.

I attended a wedding this past labor day, and the brides father was not in her life much, nor did he finanically take care of her. She invited him to her wedding and receptions and he sat at a table with his family and a couple of her guest. The table that he sat at was no where near her, or the rest of her family.

My friend recently got married and like you her father wasn't active in her life. She did invite him to wedding but he sat with regular guests, her brother walked he down the aisle, there was no father daughter dance and they didn't take any pictures together that day. He was seated with his family far away from her immediate family and friends.

Unless it causes you some real emotional pain, I thank that if there is any part of you at all that wants to invite him then you should do so if for nothing else but for him to see you looking gorgeous and to know you made it without him.

I can see where you ladies are coming from. I feel what bama is going through. Yes the bible do say you need to forgive, but you can't and sometimes want forget. I forgave my father and I thank him for helping give me life. That's is all he did. I understand the part about him seeing how beautiful I turned out, but he can read in the paper with everyone else who want get invited.

The decision is truly up to you baby girl and don't let my bitterness, weigh in on your decision. Like they say pray about it and let God guide you. Just remember the vibride motto "YOUR(FH/YOU) DAY...."

[quote="bamabride"]I think I will just take some time and think it over like you said, and just go with my heart and my gut in the end.
[/quote]

That's a good idea. Mull over it a little and go with your heart. I'll be doing the same, as the case w/ my own father is similar. I almost want to have him walk me down so he doesn't cause a rukus (oh yes he would!)In a perfect world I would invite him...and he would have the decency to stay his rump at home.

To add my two cents, I would invite him and treat him like any other guest. Seat him with the general public and let it be what it is. I have cousins that used to be like siblings but after years of shady dealings I don't want them to ruin my day but I also don't want to create fuel for future beef. So I'm giving them the same consideration I would any other distant relative.

BTJM (but that's jus me)

This is somewhat similar to what's going on with my wedding except it's FH who's father is not really in the picture. It's really odd because FH and I are still close to the rest of his family. The best advice I can give is based on something I read in Vows by Harriet Cole. She said that when you think about who you want at your ceremony, you should invite people that have supported and will continue to support your union for the rest of your lives together. This does not mean don't invite your father, this means that if you decide not to have him there, know that it is because he has not supported you. Know that it is not because he has or will support your union. Your wedding is your sacred space, it is for you to surround yourself with love, and support. You are not obliged to bring negativity, hurt, pain, abandonment or any of those adversities into your sacred space.

Here I go. I had much the same relatuionship with my dad but once he died, as much as I used to say otherwise, I regretted some of the decisions I made. I still wld not have let him walk me down the aisle, but I wld have invited him and treated him like any other guest. You may also want to take 1 picture with him because for better or for worse, he is your dad and you may not feel the same 10 years from now as you feel today. After he is gone, you may want to have at least 1. It is a hard decision to make but At the end of the day you of course have to make the decision. Good luck and God bless

Bama,
I know exactly how you feel because my father left when we were in elementary school. We speak, but he will not be walking me down the aisle because he hasn't been a father to me. I will walk solo. Even now, if I need him to work on my car (since sweetie is in Texas), I'll catch grief before he says yes and rather than go through all that, I'll take it to a shop. He & stepmother will be invited (she does more for us that he ever has)but like others, he wont be on front row. The ultimate decisoin is yours whether you invite him. In my opinion, I feel you should invite him. Just as he has to give account to God for all he has done (or didn't do as a father), so will you!!! You be the bigger person & say "In spite of the fact that you weren't there for me...... Obviously, it didn't hinder you from becoming the blessed woman of God you are today, so don't allow what he didn't do or hasn't been hold up the down poor of what God has stored up for you, cause this could very well be your test!!!
If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen? 1John 4:20

PS
Like others have said, just because you invite him doesn't mean you have to fellowship with him. Speak and move forward.

Hey there, sorry I am so late.....I kind of understand what you're going through....Until 2003, I had not talked to my dad for about 8years....I mean he just flipped out, and left...I didn't even know if he was alive or not...the last time we spoke he was being and talking mean about my mom, so I was like whatever...when I found him in 2002, it was online through our State's website for finding criminals....find out my dad got hooked on drugs, was in jail for tampering or something...anyhoo, he found God or whatever and called me the day my dog died in 2003....So

Okay, so for me, had I got married that year, I would have let him be the father he never was...let him give me away, let him sit in the front row, so he can see what he missed....he needs to know that in spite of his behavior towards me, he needed to know that I grew up into a fine, beautiful woman, with the high bearing of a lady....and I would be the bigger woman, so he can never have reason to push me away again....letting him sit up front, and showing him that there are no hard feelings should make him feel guilty enough to try harder to be better. Life is too short to have to grow up later, and look back at pictures and realize that it really would not have killed anyone if he was in the pictures.......plus, later down the line, you all may be closer...I mean I think life is just too short....He needs to know what a lady you are, and in spite of the situation, God is still good, still in the business of making miracles, and on a sacred and blessed day such as your wedding day....all needs to be well...for me, 3 years later...I prayed on it, could have let my stepfather do it, but I let my dad walk me down the aisle (step dad sat like royalty next to my mom in the front)....but most importantly I let him be the father he had not been....trust me, you are not going to be mad because he was there....you're more likely to be upset after the fact, if he was left out on purpose......

Bumblebee, do you think your step father felt robbed in any way?