I think I am, crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you don't want to marry him, give him his ring back. But you may lose your man.

But Pray on it...Are you working from pure fear or do you really not want to marry this person? Either way, you must assess your feelings, and have a talk with him asap. Your male friend is right...When men propose, most of the time they are serious....and you said...You don't "think he is sincere"....well how do you know? Or is this fear talking.....? And to me it sounds like fear...which is fair...But remember, that living in fear and bringing old baggage from previous relationships (not missing the old man, but living in worry that your new man is too good to be true)is dangerous.....When me and my DH got together after about a month of me wigging out cause he was just to daggone perfect.....he was like...."Look, I am not him...I love you, and you have to learn to accept my love, and appreciate it.", And what could I say to that....so 9 years later here we are....but I said that to say, please please please pray, assess, and be honest, and don't wait....But if God says okay, then take the ultimate leap of faith and wear your ring! This may be your husband, and I know too many women who God put someone else in their place cause they couldn't appreciate a good thing....and I don't want that for you...So stay positive.....You'll do the right thing either way...Congrats....you are officially engaged:)

WELL SAID BUMBLE...

All men are not the same. You MUST remember that he is not your "EX"
Dont allow your past to damage your future.
SO GET TO PLANNING GURL!!! LOL

[quote="mycenae1918"]I always got something with me I guess. I just think that sometimes guys get rings to buy themselves more time. LOL. We are talking about next September. I will be one here looking for tips and hints for planning.
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Well there you go! Good for you! You deserve it...Your old love has nothing to do with your new love! Lick your wounds, grow, and get the love you deserve...Happy Planning....We women still have to learn HOW to ACCEPT happiness...Mycenae1918, you can start now....!

[quote="mycenae1918"]Thank you. LOL. I love him but I have a hard time trusting now. We discussed setting a date and things like that but in my heart I am like. I am not losing another deposit. It took me weeks to acknowledge we were engaged. I kept saying it was a gift. Everyone said solitaires aren't gifts.
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He could be really sincere about wanting to marry you or your instincts might be picking up on something.

You never said that you did, in fact, accept his proposal just discussing dates...and perhaps now acknowledging an engagement. You say that you love him. But are you in love with him? If it is hard for you to trust him, is it because of him or because of your own fear and insecurities due to the ex-fiance? Your feelings of mistrust run deeply (taking the ring to the pawn shop to verify that it's real.) WOW! You sound like you never recovered from your old relationship before getting involved with this new man. You need to work-out these issues because they will kill your new relationship. I'm surprised that the trust issues haven't been brought up before now. But they must have. How long have the 2 of you been dating? Usually, I think these feelings are considered and discussed way before the engagement so that when he does pop the question, you already know about how you feel about your intended. You kind of sound like he caught you completely by surprise. Did you have no indication at all from him that he was going to ask you to marry him?

If you are in love with him and your mistrust is not due to anything he did, then sistah, you need to pray on it, let the brotha off the hook, and make up your mind to trust him. If he doesn't feel that you trust him, he won't trust you either. These two, love and trust, are the foundation of any good romantic relationship.

Maybe you're not sure whether you want to get married. Or maybe you're still hurt about what happened in the past. You must remember that not all guys are the same. The guy you're with now may be the right man for you, but you are sceptical of his motives (not without reason).

We have all been hurt in the past, but life is too short to be sceptical of everyone and everything. As long as you are reasonably cautious, there is no reason not to believe him and enjoy being engaged!! Hopefully this will be a much better experience than the one with you or ex and your FH should restore your faith in men.

It's a good idea to think about a long engagement, so maybe next Sept is a good date. It will give you both time to be sure that you want to marry each other.....and more time to show off that engagement ring, girl!!!

dont you dare let your pass relationship interfere with your new love. GOD has sent you someone special in your life for a reason so take full advantage of that. Please Please Please do not block your blessing. Let the past stay in the past and you will be fine. Enjoy your new life and relationship, you desire it.

I agree with DiamondBride. A long engagement may be best to truly examine your relationship and your feelings for him. It's good that you've known each other for seven years, so maybe you were friends before you started dating. He may really be exactly what the doctor prescribed.

He sounds considerate too, because he wanted to get an idea of the type of ring you like. That's like my husband...and you were discussing marriage from the time you started dating. That's also a good sign because you may have known that each other were marriage-minded people.

So, you knew he was going to ask you. You haven't shared with us why you think he's insincere. I think you need to sit down with him and have a nice heart-to-heart. Ask him about his feelings about you and really listen to what he has to say. Let him express himself. Talk about your feelings and why its hard for you to trust. Let him know that you love him and that you want him to have a little patience with you. Please try to resolve the hurt and fearful feelings from your old relationship. This is a new chapter in your life. Like housewife wrote, don't block your blessing.

When I met my husband, at first I couldn't believe that maybe I had finally met the right one for me. But it didn't take me long to realize that he was sincere. When he didn't change his good ways over the time I've known him, when he showed that consistency, then I knew for sure he was for real...and he's genuinely a good person not only with me, but with everyone. Examine whether or not your fiance's behaviour is consistent. Then you'll know whether or not he's sincere.

[quote="mycenae1918"]LOL. I never believe any man about marriage any more. There is nothing in particular that he has done in that aspect. I have some house cleaning to do as my ex boyfriend and I are still friends and i can't imagine having to tell him that someone asked me to marry him.
I just have my guard up these day. I will pray on it and see what happens. I asked my man out of curiousity if he would have left had I turned the ring down. He said "yes." LOL. They say only we give ultimatums.
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But that goes to show that many men ARE serious....Now put on HIS shoes for a sec....Why would a man looking for a wife stay with someone who cannot trust him enough to accept his ring? He needs to be with someone who is serious, and if you are not the one, walk away....So he can find someone who is. Since you are not sure, then its good you are praying on it....but don't tarry long, because God doesn't get you excited just to bring you down....So you have to use faith and wisdom, and discernment....I know it sounds harsh, but this is your lives here. But I am also speaking out of much respect for Marriage, and from love.

I have to go with the majority here! you really need to dig deep down within yourself and pull your true feelings...go to God and ask him to reveal to you his desire for your life..but before going to him, you need to deal with you...I know it is hard leaving behind the past and opening your heart again to someone, but if this is truly the man for you, it will work in God's perfect will...GOOD LUCK and CONGRATS!!!!!!

Mycenae, welcome back sister. Just because a man proposes doesn't automatically mean that you have to start planning your wedding right away or that it must happen within 1 year of said proposal. As my sisters have said, there's nothing wrong with a long engagement. Acknowledge your engagement for what it is. The fact that God sent you a wonderful man and you shouldn't be afraid of your destiny with this man. That being said, September is a great month for weddings whether it be in 2009 or 2010. Make it a long engagement, take all the time you need to examine your feelings. And I don't know if I'm alone in this or not, but why should you have to worry about what you ex thinks? He left you high and dry didn't he? I could forgive such a thing, but I don't think we could've ever be friends. Keep praying sister and wear your engagement ring with pride. Don't let fear keep you from what God has blessed you with.

Mycenae,

With all due respect.... It sounds like you have a lot of unresolved feelings. I think ( just my opinion) its better for you right now to be single. I really think you are still tied to your EX in some ways and thats not completely fair to your new boyfriend. One minute you sound so unsure about the whole engagement then the next you're saying something different. I think its only fair that you evaluate yourself first and not give the impression that you're stringing this guy along.

Of course he's going to ask why you're not wearing his ring if you have accepted his proposal. That's why I'm saying, you need to sit down with him and have that heart-to-heart talk. You can't just relax. You need to talk to him. If you and your ex are "friends", that means that he's still in your life and that's asking for trouble. Of course, you can forgive him for the betrayal, but still having him in your life seems to be preventing you from truly moving on. Like Ginoue mentioned, you are worrying about what he would think if you tell him that someone wants to marry you. Why do you even care about how he feels about that? Your ex still has too much importance in your life. You should be caring about your feelings and your fiance's feelings above all others. Are you sure you don't still want to be with him? Or are you fooling yourself? If you don't want to be with him, then Sistah, cut him loose! Yes, cut, cut, cut. Snip all ties. Why do you still want him in your life?

I do have an ex-boyfriend that's more of an acquaintance than a friend because he's kept at a distance. I've moved on. I don't give one iota about how he feels about my marriage. My feelings and my husband's feelings come first. Ain't nobody but GOD himself was going to keep me from my blessing! Hallelujah! Can I get a witness?

You say that your fiance hasn't done anything in particular to make you think he's insincere. Yet, you doubted him. Please don't break this man's heart the way yours was broken. That's just going to mess him up for somebody else later on if things go that way. These are my suggestions, but they are just suggestions. You are grown, so you will do whatever you want to do:

1) Pray, pray, pray
2) End your friendship with your ex.
3) Talk to your fiance
4) Resolve your trust issues.
5) Decide to love your fiance or let him go with a good explanation before it's too late and his heart is broken badly.

God bless you, Sistah.

[quote="mycenae1918"]I have some house cleaning to do as my ex boyfriend and I are still friends and i can't imagine having to tell him that someone asked me to marry him.
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I wasn't even going to respond because the other ladies have given you such awesome advice. But when I came across this I felt compelled to respond. Please believe me when I say that I do not mean to sound harsh. I have to ask this question. Why do you care what your ex thinks???? He is your ex for a reason. Sister you need to LET GO of the past. You should let your ex know that someone loves you and wants your hand in marriage. You also need to deal with your trust issues.

I know so many woman who don't believe that they deserve happiness. They subconciously sabatoge any relationship that comes into their lives. Please do yourself a favor, deal with your past pain, it sounds like you heart hasn't healed. If you decide to marry your fiance than do so, but please be honest with him. If not, let him go. In any event, I wish you all the best. God bless.

Hello ladies my name is Aaliyah and my date is 10/18/2008. I have bee engaged to my sweetie for about 2 yaers.

I have been lurking around this site for a while and you guys give some wonderful advise. But when is seen this post I could not help but to join.

mycenae I think you are being very selfish and I think you want your cake and eat it too. While you are stringing this man along you are making it harder. He will be hurt and when a real woman comes along for him it is going to be harder for her to get his love the way you have, but I don't think you care about that. Typical.

Be a big girl and stop using you being hurt in your previous relationship as an excuse, because you know what if you were that hurt you would not be talking to him as a friend, because I know anyone that hurt me is no friend of mine. So stop playing games and tell us what it really is and if you cant do that stop wasting these kind people's time with your antics.

[quote="mycenae1918"]I have been praying for healing a lot recently. I just think I need a break from it all. Maybe it is time to let go of my ex files. I have a string of ex boyfriends that call and we still go out from time to time. Im a mess!
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Wait a hot minute! Hold up! What????!!! Sistah, you can't be calling and going out with EXES like that....especially while you've been dating this new man for over a year with whom you're now engaged! Now, you KNOW better than that. He can't possible know about that unless you have some sort of open relationship 'cause men DO NOT like to share their women.

WOW! If you were going out with these exes while in your past relationship, that could explain why your ex-fiance ended your previous engagement.

Yeah, you definitely need to get it together. This is some hot mess! I'm D-O-N-E.

Welcome Aaliyah, and Whew! You don't pull any punches...what you say is HARSH, but maybe we need that sometimes...I agree we have to put on our big girl panties, and walk with our head up!

Mycenae, whatever happens, its on you and only you...You need to remember that there are not always second chances....oh! but here is yours.....That being said...how many more times do you think you'll have if this gets messed up? And by the looks of things, if what you say its true, its likely to get messed up because of the worries you inflicted on yourself...i guess I got passionate about it because I have been in your shoes...No I didn't get proposed to twice but my last relationship poured into this one for years before we got it right, and we were just so frustrated with each other back then and i thought it was him, but really it was mostly me....What I learned to do is be a big girl and be brave, and I remembered that yes, you can get hurt, hell my DH hurts me sometimes, but I am a big girl and we are great....I know I hurt him, but we push through....I am not afraid to be hurt anymore because with God no pain is totally unbearable and he can bring us through all sitations....ANY AND ALL! So you have to get out of your fear....If you are so scared where is your faith? I mean your real faith you claim to have!?! If you did you wouldn't even FIX your mouth to say things like fear, scared, and mistrust, or "not trust"...So you gotta jump....God has got you!

If not, let him find someone who will!

[quote="mycenae1918"]I have been praying for healing a lot recently. I just think I need a break from it all. Maybe it is time to let go of my ex files. I have a string of ex boyfriends that call and we still go out from time to time. Im a mess!
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I offer you unconditional support. I wish you the best during this time of healing. God bless.

Thanks Bumblebeekee, I truly don't mean to be harsh to anyone but I am very honest sometimes too honest. Sometimes people make the biggest mistakes in thier lives because when they ask people for direction they are not honest. I would rather you be truthful and tell me I look horrible in an outfit rather then lie to spear my feelings tell me I look good in it and I go out looking like a fool. Lol. It's all about honesty. If you are not honest with me then you are no true friend of mine.

Welcome Aaliyah!!!! We are glad that you have decided to join the sisterhood! Congratulations on your upcoming wedding.

[quote="mycenae1918"]LOL. He knows about that I am friends with my ex. He doesn't care. He trusts me big time and I assure you that nothing is going on. I am certainly not that kind of girl. He and I had spoken before when I was with my ex so he knows that a converstaion is only a conversation. no flirting or anything else.
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O.K. I'm not entirely done. Why is it that your fiance trusts you "big time". Yet, you're running to the pawn shop to find out if your engagement ring is real? Trust is a two-way street, sistah. I wish there was a pawn shop where he could go to find out if your love is for real. You say you don't think he's sincere. Maybe you're projecting your own feelings onto him. Maybe you're the one who isn't sincere. Because so far it amounts to this: He's giving you love, trust, honesty, and his companionship for life. What are you giving him? It sounds like you're about to give him a whole bunch of heartache.

...and you STILL shouldn't be going out with your exes like that even though your fiance understands. How in the world will you truly move on?

Welcome Aaliyah!

I completely agree with your last post VIP I think this may be a game of some sort to mycenae. I also think she is the one that is maybe being untrustworthy,ladies please tell me wwhat MAN on GODS green earth is gonna be ok with his FIANCE going out with her EX'S PLEASE TELL ME? It's just not cool at all. Men are serious when it comes to the women they love and i cant see any man going out to buy an engagement ring just for the fun of it, I truely hope that you dont hurt this man if you do he may end up hurting you seriously, just think of how you felt when your ex did what he did to you WHY would you want to inflict that kind of pain on another human being.I think you need to be alone sister and do some soul searching I dont think you've given us ladies here the whole truth alot just doesnt make sense to me. fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. Please dont screw this man up for the next woman, we as women always pray to god to send us a wonderful man, and when he does we dont know how to treat him because we are acustom to the BS, and maybe your insecurities are comming for you may your not living right and you think your current honey is living the same as you are. GO WITH GOD SUGAR is all i can add

and yes sugar I think your crazy too lol and yes there are two sides to every story and then thers the truth

HOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY SMOKE good for you now work on you sugar so that you can get right for that wonderful man and give him all of you not parts god bless u 2 get your mind right girl! And i hope your serious and not saying so because you dont want to hear our mouths be true to yourself and your fiance.

Well AMEN then.

[quote="mycenae1918"]LOL. YOu don't post on a board of strong, beautiful black women unless you are prepared to hear what they have to say
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Rosie can we get this cautionary statement put on the home page somewhere. LOL

Mycenae I'm glad you've done some self reflection and plan to change some habits.

Mycenae,
I could be wrong and I really hope I am. But it sounds like you love "DRAMA" and "ATTENTION".
I'm just not understanding you. It seems that you give more attention to the EX and his feelings and thoughts rather than FH. What's up with that?????

I think you were fooling yourself to think that you and your ex could be "just friends" without at least one of you wanting something more. I've seen it time and again. Since you already have that history and are comfortable with each other, the party without a relationship will have a void that he/she wants filled and will look to the other party to fill that void. Exes cannot be "just friends" if one or both parties do not have their own romantic relationship.

Yes, he needs to move on. In order for him to do that, I'm glad your realize you need to take yourself out of the picture.

You need to move on too.

It sounds like a needy codependent relationship. Maybe you're a needy person relationship wise and that's why you've felt the need to keep all these exes around. My mother has a harsh saying about eating your own vomit. I apologize for the imagery. Once, you've eaten, move on to the next meal. Don't sit there and puke then eat it again. (I'm West Indian. It might be some kind of island saying. I've got A LOT of them.) Got it?

Mycenae, I agree with all the ladies. In order for you to move on, you must cut ties with all of your exes, not just one. You are so very conflicted inside and it's the only way for you to see clearly. You need to concentrate on your present relationship and how best to develop it together, because only together can you get through this. Being engaged is such a happy occasion. Most of the ladies remembered what happened between my ex-fiance and I, but God took pity on my pain because instead of going to exes to validate me, I got on my knees and yes, I was hurting for a very long time, truly gut-renching pain, but God sent me someone wonderful and mature enough to love me, argue with me, he's everything I could ever hope for and more.

Trust in God sister, he will never, ever make the wrong choice for you. Keep praying and I'll keep you and your FH in my prayers as well. And girl, WEAR YOUR RING WITH PRIDE AND ALWAYS!!!