Sorry to hear that your father wasn't apart of your life, however congratulations on turning out to be a wonderful young woman in spite of that. Has he been asking? I think just telling him that you have decided not to have him walking you down the aisle is perfectly fine. I don't feel you should go through lengthy explainations or anything. I think the fact that you invited him is huge. I'm kind of in the same predicament as you. Although my father has always been in my life he wasn't really "there." And we've NEVER had a good relationship. But out of respect I invited him because he deserved that inspite of any riff raff between us. I asked my younger brother to walk me down the aisle, so there was no discussion between my father and I because I didn't feel I needed to discuss why I selected my brother over him. But that was my own personal decision.
Your father will just have to understand your position in the choice you've made to possibly have your godfather walk you. I would just be honest and tell him that you godfather was there when your father wasn't and you can't possibly see how he feels he's entitled to walk you down the aisle. I think if you tell him that you two first have to heal the lack of relationship first, which will not miraculously happen by August, but that's far more important than walking down an aisle. That honor should be reserved for someone who has been there for you.
I feel like you are telling my story... my father was never there for me throughout my life and he just met his grandkids for the first time this year. when the wedding came around, he did call me and ask me who was walking me down the aisle. I told him that my Stepdad was because he took over the responsibilities that were his, by choice at that. I also told him that if it wasnt my stepdad then it would have been my cousin. I did tell him that he would still be acknowledge as my father, when the bridal party was announced and i also split the father/daughter dance between them 2.
just be straight up with him and tell him your decision, i know it will be hard for him to swallow but his choices brought this on. so he has to take it for what it is.
i think both the siters here said a mouthfull and i totally agree with what theyr saying justsimply telling him politely that hes not the one walking you down the isle is the most perfect way , there wont be any need of explanation either like Akitten said u dont owe him one , if theres anyone that wud need one is you and only you , soo good luck diva!!
I agree with the other ladies...you really DON'T owe your father any explaination, but out of respect I agree, just tell him that you have chosen someone else to walk you down the isle. If he asks then just be honest but still remain respectful.
I had a similiar issue with my first marriage, my step-father (who was a heavy drinker) was suppose to walk me down the isle; I had already pleaded with him to not get drunk for the rehearsal or wedding, but considering the rehearsal was not until 7:00 Fri. night...he was on his way to drunk land and TOTALLY embarrassed me, so I made the decision right then and there that he WOULD NOT be walking me down the isle; the next day (the day of the wedding) he kept saying, I will be ok, I won't drink and do right, but my answer was still NOOOOOO-with no explaination given! I walked alone and he felt bad up until the day he died about the situation, so just remember this is YOUR DAY, YOUR WAY...do not feel guilted into doing anything that will make you unhappy!
Hi Mrs080908, the only way to tell him is to "just do it" politely. Your dad made a conscious choice not to be a part of your life. He is a grown man and should be able to handle your decision. No one should "expect" such an honor just because they fathered you. It is ultimately your decision and your father should respect your choice. I know this is a delicate situation. Pray and ask God to give you the right words.
My father didn't walk me down the aisle for the same reason, he was not a part of my life and didn't make a point to be a part of my daughter's life either. My brother who is five years older than me, walked me down the aisle and I wouldn't have had it any other way.
I wish you the best, please keep us posted. God bless!
Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37
Thanks Ladies for all the advice. I am gonna call him tonight and just be straight with him, the thing about it all is I know he is going to start his guilt trip making me feel guilty.
Turiya,
He has done everything imaginable to my mom and she doesn't even like him to look her direction. My dad is a past drug adict and I think a conversation with my mother would make him relapse she will make him feel like the lowest thing on earth. She is one of those women who can make you cry with just one word. But thanks!
You are not responsible for how your father feels and by no means should shoulder his guilt. How can he make you feel guilty if you keep the same contact that he's had with you over the years? Close to non-existing.
I agree with the ladies. You don't owe him a thing, but be polite and say that your Godfather will be walking you down the aisle. And leave the conversation at that. No need to make it lengthy, no need to go into the whys and why nots. Just short, sweet, but polite.
Mrs080908, I think Turiya meant having your mom do the honor of walking you down the aisle. That is what I was going to suggest also.
Your father is grown. He knows the decisions he made and has to accept the consequences. You don't owe him anything. A wewdding is not time nor place to mend fences. Do what will make you happy.
Thanks Turiya and Keepup,
I would love for her to do the honor but she thinks that it is a job that should be done by a man. I have so many men in my family she feels like one of them should step up. But I tried to tell her to walk but she was turn her turn nose up to the whole idea. She thinks that she will be crying also. I think that is the real reason.
[quote="Mrs080908"]Thanks Ladies for all the advice. I am gonna call him tonight and just be straight with him, the thing about it all is I know he is going to start his guilt trip making me feel guilty.
[/quote]
My father is the same way. he did pull the guilt trip on me, i got upset but i got over it quick. I talked to his sister (who is like my best friend/aunt) and she put him in his place better than i did and broke it down for him differently.
[quote="Mrs080908"]Oh I see you girls are the best.
Thanks Turiya and Keepup,
I would love for her to do the honor but she thinks that it is a job that should be done by a man. I have so many men in my family she feels like one of them should step up. But I tried to tell her to walk but she was turn her turn nose up to the whole idea. She thinks that she will be crying also. I think that is the real reason.
[/quote]
All the more meaningful ...SHE will truely be giving you away! It'll be beautiful! If you really like the idea, tell her how much it would mean to you. Daddys come and go ALL THE TIME and mommas sometimes have to be both parents ...this could be a time where she could wear both hats. Besides tradition was smashed a long time ago :) My then 12 year old son walked me down the aisle and him and his 2 sisters gave me away to their step dad ...that had meaning to me and so it was done.
I think you should see what he wants (its not polite to avoid-MHO) and if he doesn't mention it, then don't worry about it, and maybe he can have a role where he lights the candle with your mom or is escorted to his seat by a female escort.....
I think a wedding is a perfect time for families to mend fences, but only if all parties are willing to be mature about it...Weddings are a ceremony to symbolize God's promise. Has your dad done anything since he came back in your life bad or disrespectful to you? If not then I think your wedding would be a great time to let bygones be bygones.....
When my dad first saw my baby sister when she was about 17 he did not recognize her either....but he cried when did a double take....But they are bestest buddies now...and I guess knowing that my dad did my mom wrong (not a drop of child support!), and she was no angel-but when he did come back in our lives (almost 8-9 years later) he was saved, and I just said it takes more energy to hate than it does to love......And he feels like because we chose love-that saved him!...because my dad is a recovering drug addict and dealer also, and he has been through a lot....actually he works with young men recovering from drugs and alcohol in a Christian group now, and all these years we just thought he was hopeless....AND He told us that he was prepared to be rejected by us. And that shows me God can do anything!
So I blabbed all that to say...No you don't owe him anything, and you are not required to shoulder his guilt....All you should do is forgive him, as we need to be forgiven, and give him a role in your wedding...after all God chose him to be your dad...and we can never pick our parents unfortunately....As far has his past, thats God's business....and all you can do is be the lovely woman God made you to be.....! Whatever you chose to do, definitely pray on it as these ladies have suggested...and remember to seek God's will first...!
Bumble I totally understand where you are coming from my father is also a recurring crack head, who used to abuse my mom. There are so many things that I have forgiven him for.
I wish I could be the bigger person and give him a role in my wedding but I can't put up a fraud like that. I have prayed and thought about what all you ladies have said and I feel like he should just be a wedding guest. I say this because he called my Nana and left a very haughty message stating that nobody else would be walking me down and I really feel like that was inappropriate and not his place.
So I will be walking down with either my Godfather or my big brother. Thanks ladies this has not been an easy decision and your insights have been very helpful.
I agree with my sister, Rhonda... you should just do it. Take a deep breath, think before you speak, and do it.
Also, why not have your mom walk you down the aisle? Sounds like she did a phenomenal job of raising you on her own with absolutely no help from your father and she is paying for your wedding. Just asking.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way. ~ Pablo Neruda
Whatever you decide is alright with us, as long as you are happy. its good that you stay in prayer on this one...You will make the right decision....remember, no matter what we do, we still can't please everyone in a wedding...which is a shame because its OUR wedding! But knowing that, hold your head up high and stand strong by any decision you make...You have many options, and you may even let both your god father AND brother walk you down...Which is also an option too.
My father has not been a part of my life since I was 8. I saw him for the first time in over 10 ten years this year in February at my cousin
url=http://tickers.livingchaos.co.uk/][img]http://tickers.livingchaos.co.uk/tickers/image/anniversary/14/53/2009-8-9/19469/366/T3VyIEZpcnN0IEFubml2ZXJzYXJ5IGlzIGluIA.jpg[/img][/url]
Sorry to hear that your father wasn't apart of your life, however congratulations on turning out to be a wonderful young woman in spite of that. Has he been asking? I think just telling him that you have decided not to have him walking you down the aisle is perfectly fine. I don't feel you should go through lengthy explainations or anything. I think the fact that you invited him is huge. I'm kind of in the same predicament as you. Although my father has always been in my life he wasn't really "there." And we've NEVER had a good relationship. But out of respect I invited him because he deserved that inspite of any riff raff between us. I asked my younger brother to walk me down the aisle, so there was no discussion between my father and I because I didn't feel I needed to discuss why I selected my brother over him. But that was my own personal decision.
Your father will just have to understand your position in the choice you've made to possibly have your godfather walk you. I would just be honest and tell him that you godfather was there when your father wasn't and you can't possibly see how he feels he's entitled to walk you down the aisle. I think if you tell him that you two first have to heal the lack of relationship first, which will not miraculously happen by August, but that's far more important than walking down an aisle. That honor should be reserved for someone who has been there for you.
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[img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;10755;116/st/20080725/e/Our+Wedding/k/110e/event.png[/img]
[/url]
I feel like you are telling my story... my father was never there for me throughout my life and he just met his grandkids for the first time this year. when the wedding came around, he did call me and ask me who was walking me down the aisle. I told him that my Stepdad was because he took over the responsibilities that were his, by choice at that. I also told him that if it wasnt my stepdad then it would have been my cousin. I did tell him that he would still be acknowledge as my father, when the bridal party was announced and i also split the father/daughter dance between them 2.
just be straight up with him and tell him your decision, i know it will be hard for him to swallow but his choices brought this on. so he has to take it for what it is.
i think both the siters here said a mouthfull and i totally agree with what theyr saying justsimply telling him politely that hes not the one walking you down the isle is the most perfect way , there wont be any need of explanation either like Akitten said u dont owe him one , if theres anyone that wud need one is you and only you , soo good luck diva!!
I agree with the other ladies...you really DON'T owe your father any explaination, but out of respect I agree, just tell him that you have chosen someone else to walk you down the isle. If he asks then just be honest but still remain respectful.
I had a similiar issue with my first marriage, my step-father (who was a heavy drinker) was suppose to walk me down the isle; I had already pleaded with him to not get drunk for the rehearsal or wedding, but considering the rehearsal was not until 7:00 Fri. night...he was on his way to drunk land and TOTALLY embarrassed me, so I made the decision right then and there that he WOULD NOT be walking me down the isle; the next day (the day of the wedding) he kept saying, I will be ok, I won't drink and do right, but my answer was still NOOOOOO-with no explaination given! I walked alone and he felt bad up until the day he died about the situation, so just remember this is YOUR DAY, YOUR WAY...do not feel guilted into doing anything that will make you unhappy!
good luck to you!!
Hi Mrs080908, the only way to tell him is to "just do it" politely. Your dad made a conscious choice not to be a part of your life. He is a grown man and should be able to handle your decision. No one should "expect" such an honor just because they fathered you. It is ultimately your decision and your father should respect your choice. I know this is a delicate situation. Pray and ask God to give you the right words.
My father didn't walk me down the aisle for the same reason, he was not a part of my life and didn't make a point to be a part of my daughter's life either. My brother who is five years older than me, walked me down the aisle and I wouldn't have had it any other way.
I wish you the best, please keep us posted. God bless!
Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37
Have you considered having your mom do the honor?
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[img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;10712;106/st/20081228/e/Our+Anniversary/k/5eb4/event.png[/img]
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When a parent shows up with an attitude of entitlement, understand that under it is a boatload of anxiety.
Robert EvansBold Text
I found this quote and it says it all.
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[img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;10755;116/st/20080725/e/Our+Wedding/k/110e/event.png[/img]
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Thanks Ladies for all the advice. I am gonna call him tonight and just be straight with him, the thing about it all is I know he is going to start his guilt trip making me feel guilty.
Turiya,
He has done everything imaginable to my mom and she doesn't even like him to look her direction. My dad is a past drug adict and I think a conversation with my mother would make him relapse she will make him feel like the lowest thing on earth. She is one of those women who can make you cry with just one word. But thanks!
url=http://tickers.livingchaos.co.uk/][img]http://tickers.livingchaos.co.uk/tickers/image/anniversary/14/53/2009-8-9/19469/366/T3VyIEZpcnN0IEFubml2ZXJzYXJ5IGlzIGluIA.jpg[/img][/url]
You are not responsible for how your father feels and by no means should shoulder his guilt. How can he make you feel guilty if you keep the same contact that he's had with you over the years? Close to non-existing.
I agree with the ladies. You don't owe him a thing, but be polite and say that your Godfather will be walking you down the aisle. And leave the conversation at that. No need to make it lengthy, no need to go into the whys and why nots. Just short, sweet, but polite.
Mrs080908, I think Turiya meant having your mom do the honor of walking you down the aisle. That is what I was going to suggest also.
Your father is grown. He knows the decisions he made and has to accept the consequences. You don't owe him anything. A wewdding is not time nor place to mend fences. Do what will make you happy.
Oh I see you girls are the best.
Thanks Turiya and Keepup,
I would love for her to do the honor but she thinks that it is a job that should be done by a man. I have so many men in my family she feels like one of them should step up. But I tried to tell her to walk but she was turn her turn nose up to the whole idea. She thinks that she will be crying also. I think that is the real reason.
url=http://tickers.livingchaos.co.uk/][img]http://tickers.livingchaos.co.uk/tickers/image/anniversary/14/53/2009-8-9/19469/366/T3VyIEZpcnN0IEFubml2ZXJzYXJ5IGlzIGluIA.jpg[/img][/url]
Well said ladies!!!!
Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37
[quote="Mrs080908"]Thanks Ladies for all the advice. I am gonna call him tonight and just be straight with him, the thing about it all is I know he is going to start his guilt trip making me feel guilty.
[/quote]
My father is the same way. he did pull the guilt trip on me, i got upset but i got over it quick. I talked to his sister (who is like my best friend/aunt) and she put him in his place better than i did and broke it down for him differently.
[quote="Mrs080908"]Oh I see you girls are the best.
Thanks Turiya and Keepup,
I would love for her to do the honor but she thinks that it is a job that should be done by a man. I have so many men in my family she feels like one of them should step up. But I tried to tell her to walk but she was turn her turn nose up to the whole idea. She thinks that she will be crying also. I think that is the real reason.
[/quote]
All the more meaningful ...SHE will truely be giving you away! It'll be beautiful! If you really like the idea, tell her how much it would mean to you. Daddys come and go ALL THE TIME and mommas sometimes have to be both parents ...this could be a time where she could wear both hats. Besides tradition was smashed a long time ago :) My then 12 year old son walked me down the aisle and him and his 2 sisters gave me away to their step dad ...that had meaning to me and so it was done.
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[img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;10712;106/st/20081228/e/Our+Anniversary/k/5eb4/event.png[/img]
[/url]
I think you should see what he wants (its not polite to avoid-MHO) and if he doesn't mention it, then don't worry about it, and maybe he can have a role where he lights the candle with your mom or is escorted to his seat by a female escort.....
I think a wedding is a perfect time for families to mend fences, but only if all parties are willing to be mature about it...Weddings are a ceremony to symbolize God's promise. Has your dad done anything since he came back in your life bad or disrespectful to you? If not then I think your wedding would be a great time to let bygones be bygones.....
When my dad first saw my baby sister when she was about 17 he did not recognize her either....but he cried when did a double take....But they are bestest buddies now...and I guess knowing that my dad did my mom wrong (not a drop of child support!), and she was no angel-but when he did come back in our lives (almost 8-9 years later) he was saved, and I just said it takes more energy to hate than it does to love......And he feels like because we chose love-that saved him!...because my dad is a recovering drug addict and dealer also, and he has been through a lot....actually he works with young men recovering from drugs and alcohol in a Christian group now, and all these years we just thought he was hopeless....AND He told us that he was prepared to be rejected by us. And that shows me God can do anything!
So I blabbed all that to say...No you don't owe him anything, and you are not required to shoulder his guilt....All you should do is forgive him, as we need to be forgiven, and give him a role in your wedding...after all God chose him to be your dad...and we can never pick our parents unfortunately....As far has his past, thats God's business....and all you can do is be the lovely woman God made you to be.....! Whatever you chose to do, definitely pray on it as these ladies have suggested...and remember to seek God's will first...!
We've been Happily Married 2 Years and Counting:)
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Bumble I totally understand where you are coming from my father is also a recurring crack head, who used to abuse my mom. There are so many things that I have forgiven him for.
I wish I could be the bigger person and give him a role in my wedding but I can't put up a fraud like that. I have prayed and thought about what all you ladies have said and I feel like he should just be a wedding guest. I say this because he called my Nana and left a very haughty message stating that nobody else would be walking me down and I really feel like that was inappropriate and not his place.
So I will be walking down with either my Godfather or my big brother. Thanks ladies this has not been an easy decision and your insights have been very helpful.
url=http://tickers.livingchaos.co.uk/][img]http://tickers.livingchaos.co.uk/tickers/image/anniversary/14/53/2009-8-9/19469/366/T3VyIEZpcnN0IEFubml2ZXJzYXJ5IGlzIGluIA.jpg[/img][/url]
I agree with my sister, Rhonda... you should just do it. Take a deep breath, think before you speak, and do it.
Also, why not have your mom walk you down the aisle? Sounds like she did a phenomenal job of raising you on her own with absolutely no help from your father and she is paying for your wedding. Just asking.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way. ~ Pablo Neruda
Whatever you decide is alright with us, as long as you are happy. its good that you stay in prayer on this one...You will make the right decision....remember, no matter what we do, we still can't please everyone in a wedding...which is a shame because its OUR wedding! But knowing that, hold your head up high and stand strong by any decision you make...You have many options, and you may even let both your god father AND brother walk you down...Which is also an option too.
We've been Happily Married 2 Years and Counting:)
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