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Abeni's Blog

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hecallsmeabeni
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Abeni's Blog


wooooo sahhhhhh wooooo sahhhhh ::takes in a deep breath...then exhales::

Ladies I'm so frustrated with FH and our situation. I've been fighting tears unsucessfully all morning. I just want to go home. I just really want to go home....

FH and I are talking last night. We were catching up with each other everything that had happend throughout the day and everything was all good until...He tells me he wants to go to the Justice of the peace to get married. ::this is where the needle scratches off the record.::

See FH is a virgin. (yes a 23 year old virgin that has completely saved hisself for marriage.) He recently has been feeling constant conviction over just the lust he expierences when he see me (certain thoughts he has, things he wants to do, etc) We almost always end up making out and hands roam some places they probably shouldn't. It's a horrible cycle and we try to stop it but we just can't. We fall short everytime we see each other. The one thing we know we won't do is "it" I refuse to rob him of his innocense, have that conviction, guilt, shame, etc., and more importantly I want our first night be be special...

FH called one of the prophets his church has last night. AND the prophet told him that God honors union but He doesn't honor sin. So withat in mind there would be nothing wrong with going to the JOP to get married legally and then have wedding later.

FH really wants to do this! I think it's so backwards because 1. We both live with our parents. I moved back home from my apt to save for the wedding and pay off debt.FH has never lived on his own before and graduates from college in september. 2. I think it kind of cheapens everything! So what we get married at the JOP (I'm not dissing anyone who has) so he can feel better. (trust me I'm frustrated to but I can wait!) and then go back to our MOMMA'S HOUSES!

He's been saved since he was 7 and knows the word inside and out! I told him doesn't the bible say (not in this order) that God is a God of order and For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh!

He was completely drunk off his hormones! I can't remember what he said to that. His boys were over going over their mime routine for Friday so I told him to call me back when practice was over....

I was so upset! I told him that I've been wanting to get married and have an actual wedding since I was a little girl. He was like he understands and he's been wanting to get married since he was a child also but he is suffering so greatly....

We got into an arguement about it this morning. He swears I don't understand his suffering. I'm trying to explain to him over and over again that getting married the way he wants is completely backwards and he's just not getting it!!!!

I told him even if we waited to go to the JOP until we got a place, that between bills, his student loan, rent, groceries, and everything else that comes with living away from home it would be a long time before we actually had a wedding.....

Alright...I'm going to stop now...I'm ready to burst into tears again.

hecallsmeabeni
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Abeni's Blog


wooooo sahhhhhh wooooo sahhhhh ::takes in a deep breath...then exhales::

Ladies I'm so frustrated with FH and our situation. I've been fighting tears unsucessfully all morning. I just want to go home. I just really want to go home....

FH and I are talking last night. We were catching up with each other everything that had happend throughout the day and everything was all good until...He tells me he wants to go to the Justice of the peace to get married. ::this is where the needle scratches off the record.::

See FH is a virgin. (yes a 23 year old virgin that has completely saved hisself for marriage.) He recently has been feeling constant conviction over just the lust he expierences when he see me (certain thoughts he has, things he wants to do, etc) We almost always end up making out and hands roam some places they probably shouldn't. It's a horrible cycle and we try to stop it but we just can't. We fall short everytime we see each other. The one thing we know we won't do is "it" I refuse to rob him of his innocense, have that conviction, guilt, shame, etc., and more importantly I want our first night be be special...

FH called one of the prophets his church has last night. AND the prophet told him that God honors union but He doesn't honor sin. So withat in mind there would be nothing wrong with going to the JOP to get married legally and then have wedding later.

FH really wants to do this! I think it's so backwards because 1. We both live with our parents. I moved back home from my apt to save for the wedding and pay off debt.FH has never lived on his own before and graduates from college in september. 2. I think it kind of cheapens everything! So what we get married at the JOP (I'm not dissing anyone who has) so he can feel better. (trust me I'm frustrated to but I can wait!) and then go back to our MOMMA'S HOUSES!

He's been saved since he was 7 and knows the word inside and out! I told him doesn't the bible say (not in this order) that God is a God of order and For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh!

He was completely drunk off his hormones! I can't remember what he said to that. His boys were over going over their mime routine for Friday so I told him to call me back when practice was over....

I was so upset! I told him that I've been wanting to get married and have an actual wedding since I was a little girl. He was like he understands and he's been wanting to get married since he was a child also but he is suffering so greatly....

We got into an arguement about it this morning. He swears I don't understand his suffering. I'm trying to explain to him over and over again that getting married the way he wants is completely backwards and he's just not getting it!!!!

I told him even if we waited to go to the JOP until we got a place, that between bills, his student loan, rent, groceries, and everything else that comes with living away from home it would be a long time before we actually had a wedding.....

Alright...I'm going to stop now...I'm ready to burst into tears again.


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futuremrskeepup
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Re: Abeni's Blog

Abeni I am so sorry you are going thru this. I don't have must advice to give you. Can you move the wedding up? I guess that still won't matter if you and FH do not have your own place. Ok, I'll just hold your hand and be your silent support. We'll let the other sistas help you out on this.


msboston
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Re: Abeni's Blog

Abeni,
So sorry you have to go through this, I KNOW it must be hard on you both. I'm not the best at this advice either (but I do have a big mouth) : )
1st off: don't go home, just do half-@ss work for the rest of the day! This way when you REALLY need to go home early you can.
I feel you Abani and I'm on your side.

Marrige is just the beginning of sacrifices both small and large. It just so happens that he is in the midst of one of the largest sacrifices that he will have to make. He has waited 23 years to give his wife the gift of his union, why become impatient now? Many couples do not get to experience what you two will, they run the race and get tired/impatient/and let their 'weak' flesh become the winner.They end up feeling guilty or end up having to 'rush' into marriage.
Agree with you also in that, I think it's stupid to rush and get married for the sake of humping with a clean conscience. IMO It needs to be way deeper than that> at mommas house too?!? (thinking with his little head)-Yeah I said it.

::me, stepping down from the soap box::
My best advice is to seek advice from an older/more experienced couple that could give him insight on what his decision could ultimately mean.
Abeni-Sorry if I offended you in anyway it's just my opinion


pamcrow
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Re: Abeni's Blog

First let me commend you both for having the strength and resilience to practice abstinence until you are joined as one. That

"I'm a work in progress, God is not through me yet"

hecallsmeabeni
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Re: Abeni's Blog

MrsKeepUp, your holding my hand means a lot. Even if you don't know what to say. The thought itself is very comforting. Thank you for that.

MsBoston I promise you I'm not offended. I'm completely with you. You're basically saying everything that I'm thinking. Especially all about the clean concsious thing! FH and don't disagree on a lot things. But this is disagrement is killing me. I KNOW that his little head is definately causing a lot of the error in his thinking which is why things are all the more frustrating. It's like he rolled his hormones in a blunt and smoked it! He's completely tripping and I just can't get him to understand. All he see's is an easy way out. (Although he claims he doesn't think that's what it is!)

We're still looking for a couples counselor. He feels to embarassed to discuss this matter with his pastor as he looks up to him so much. My pastor always seems too busy.

I straight up told him he needs to run his idea past someone older and see what hey have to say about it. I know if he hears it from someone other than me he might understand what I'm trying to say. I know there are some issues that when we dissagree, I as his woman am just going to come across as a bad guy. This is just going to have to be one of dissagrements.

I know he was just saying things out of anger but it really hurt me when he said "I don't understand how he's suffering" Like I want him to. He wants to see me during my lunch but I don't think that's a good idea...I don't want to be anymore upset at my job than I already am.


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tdankel5
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Re: Abeni's Blog

Abeni, I agree with pamcrow, why don't you two just have a private ceremony with a dinner afterward? Spending lots of money doesn't make a wedding better, it is whatever works for the two of you!!! Since you have already been saving, split you have for the (very) small ceremony, don't overdo it, the dinner for the family, and a place to stay. If you can't do it now, wait until your FH graduates in September, (if he can hold out, lol), then do it. I think if you do it this way both of you will end up happier in the long run. Don't get too frustrated over this to the point where it ruins what you have for each other.

hecallsmeabeni
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Pam, honestly he doesn't really have anything to sacrifice. He works part time for a dance company after school. He was in a terrible car accident last year (it was all over the news and everything) and he's getting the remainder of the settlement money this week. He's going to be putting some of that toward the wedding. I can say he sacrifices time. His schedule is hectic. He goes to school all day, then to work, then he things he does for his church. So while he could be doing whatever he wants to do on the weekends he comes to see me.

DTankle. The earlist I see I us moving the wedding up is the spring of next year. But that's only if we do the small wedding thing...That would definately be hard to swallow but I guess it would be the right thing to do for him.....


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pamcrow
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Re: Abeni's Blog

Sounds to me like FH needs to man up. Either get a grip on his hormones or get a grip on some cash so you can get married. Since he's never lived alone and he only wants to use settlement money to put something "towards" the wedding then maybe he can use some of the money to get a place set up for the two of you. Like Crist did, he went away to prepare a place for us....

Also his time with you on weekends is a BLESSING not a sacrifice.

"I'm a work in progress, God is not through me yet"

msboston
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Re: Abeni's Blog

pamcrow wrote:
Sounds to me like FH needs to man up. Either get a grip on his hormones or get a grip on some cash so you can get married.

Also his time with you on weekends is a BLESSING not a sacrifice.

Agree with both these statements!
Never feel that you have to give up on your dream of your wedding. Even a wedding on a limited budget can be a dream come true. I've been thinking alot about this,I think a celebration/reception after the fact can be everything you imagined also.
hope you are having a great weekend! : )


fmrsroberts
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Re: Abeni's Blog

I agree that a large wedding doesn't equal a great wedding.

Think back to your memories as a child, what did you imagine for your wedding? Cake, dress, family, and friends? I'm sure you could do that on a smaller scale and push the wedding up. Marriage is about compromise, so ask him to wait 6 more months and not a year--and you do everything possible to push the wedding up 6 months. Sometimes ladies we have to man up for our men! So Abeni be strong and take charge. Tell him you hear him and his needs, so you are willing to "sacrifice" your dream wedding for a smaller version if he can work with you (settlement monies and job or JOBS and all) to get it done. He may have to take a second job after school is over (which may cut into his church extracurricular activities) to get the money to make things happen. Dreams come true with compromise and hard work. It's not enough for him to say he wants to do something, and not think through the consequences, etc. So help him.

housewife147
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Re: Abeni's Blog

I agree with the ladies as well, but when I think back at my childhood memories of my wedding I think of horse and carriage. I would also suggest maybe you go to the jop and use some of the settlement money on an apartment for the two of you. I don't want to tell you to settle for a small wedding if that's not what your heart is set for and not what you want. I know ever women has envisioned there special day, and how they want it to turn out. I personally think that homeboy has been a virgin for 23 yeare, so he can hold out another couple of months.

housewife147
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Re: Abeni's Blog

Girl get him some vaseline and a book.

msboston
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Re: Abeni's Blog

housewife147 wrote:
Girl get him some vaseline and a book.

ROTFLMAO!!!
You KNOW you need to stop!!!


futuremrskeepup
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Re: Abeni's Blog

housewife147 wrote:
Girl get him some vaseline and a book.

LMAO! I hope you are comfortable in the corner!


stbmrsj
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Re: Abeni's Blog

housewife147 wrote:
Girl get him some vaseline and a book.

LMAO...You read my mind.

I didn't want to respond to this post at first because I have absolutely no experience in this matter. FH is the only man I've ever been with, but we definitely did not wait until marriage, and we already live together so I really can't help. But, I have to say that the decision to give myself to FH was a very very seriously thought out one. I really had to look inside myself and I realized that I knew he was meant to be my husband. I knew he was the one about 2 weeks after we started dating. So I felt that giving myself to him, even before marriage was the right decision for me.

I have a friend who decided to save herself for marriage, as did her husband. When they decided to get married, they made the decision to have sex before the ceremony because they wanted to make sure they would be compatible in that area. She told me that neither of them felt guilty about it afterwards because they knew that this was something that they did in love, and that they felt committed and connected to one another already. I'm not saying this to say that you should do this, but you should know that this decision is one that is about the two of you. My friend and I both made the decisions that we made because we knew inside ourselves that these our decisions were what we truly wanted. No matter what you choose to do in this situation, be it get married sooner or get married on your original date, your heart already knows exactly what you need to do. I'm sure you know what you truly want and believe is the right thing for you, and you don't need anyone else to tell you the answer. It's already inside you. Whatever happens, just do what's best for you. If FH truly loves you, he will support and honor your decision whichever way it goes.

hecallsmeabeni
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Re: Abeni's Blog

Thank you all for your advice. I didn't get to read some of the posts until today. It's kind of ironic because just as some of the posts suggested, we're going to move the wedding date up to Jan 08 at the latest.

God is so awesome ladies. How about FH met me for lunch. I was so mad at him I was barely speaking to him. He tried to get me to open up but I was so frustrated with him not understanding why JOP thing was such a big deal. When I did open upI told him straight up how I felt. He got it but still thought that the JOP thing wasn't horrible. I was getting so frustrated I was laughing and as we headed back to my job he suggested that we go to couples counseling when I get off...

I was so not in the mood but I felt like I definately should for that reason. I mellowed out after I got off of work and FH and I were back to holding hands like nothing had happend. We went to counceling that night. The person that gave us counceling had excellent discernment. She also shared her testimony about her marriage and the road that got her there (girls she went through some things that only by the grace of God she is still living!)

She ironically was in the same situation we are in except they had come really close to messing up twice! So they opted for a small wedding and years later (I can't remember if they've been married 6 or 8 years) they are still together!

She shared a lot of wisdom with us. The biggest thing was that just because I'm okay (not burning with lust ) most of the time, and he's not I can't just be like "I'm cool" and keep on stepping or vice versa. For that reason I have no problem with bumping our wedding date up at all. FH and I both feel so much better!

Thank you ladies for all your thoughts and prayers and wisdom. I know I always say this, but it means so much!


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mztajsia
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Re: Abeni's Blog

Abeni,

I have read this blog over and over and I have to say, it will be worth the wait the be with your HUSBAND as HIS WIFE!!

My DH (love saying that) and I already have been intimate. We decided to hold off two months before the wedding. Our hormones were so out of whack that one night we were sleeping and the next thing I know we were bumping and grinding in our sleep!!!

I came to right before all the clothes came off. It was the hardest thing ever. But girl!!! the wedding night!!!! and the days to follow are unbelieveable. We have refound each other and it is wonderful.

The feelings your FH is having are normal. It may be best not to be alone together in a place that the heavy petting can happen.

You two getting married at a JOP so that you can have sex is not the anwser. As some of the ladies said have a small ceremony with a dinner after. But you both deserve to have your wedding day night and honeymoon if you can.

Introducng the new Mrs. Durrant!!!

housewife147
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Re: Abeni's Blog

Well you have all of these words of wisdom, and you have not given us the scoop on how your day turned out, nor have you produced any pictures. We would love to see some pics so we can see how your day unfolded.

musikana
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Re: Abeni's Blog

housewife147 wrote:
Well you have all of these words of wisdom, and you have not given us the scoop on how your day turned out, nor have you produced any pictures.

Priceless! Wifey, never change. You are hilarious!


futuremrskeepup
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Re: Abeni's Blog

housewife147 wrote:
Well you have all of these words of wisdom, and you have not given us the scoop on how your day turned out, nor have you produced any pictures. We would love to see some pics so we can see how your day unfolded.

LOL! We are on the same page Wifey!