For Vibrant Brides of Color

Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

42 posts / 0 new
Last post
purebliss
purebliss's picture
Offline
Last seen: 7 years 12 months ago
Joined: 01/24/2006 - 18:47
Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

Hi Ladies, I don't get a chance to get on like I used to but I've noticed we need more new topics so here's one! As you all know, FH and I began abstaining in October before we got engaged in December. We had a few(3 to be exact) "slip-ups" but continue to strive toward remaining celibate until our wedding night. We have been in our new home since March 3rd and it is great being able to be with each other everyday and it hasn't really gotten that hard because we occupy the same bed every night. However, I must admit that after 3 months in the house, we had what I refer to as a slip-up. I told my cousin(MOH) about it and she told it was crazy for us to be abstaining and we are already together. I know that we made a vow to wait but we both wanted too. She said you're shacking so what's the point of abstaining, no sin is greater than the other. She really made me feel bad. However, we both love and want to honor God. My question is, is there anyone else in this predicament or that have any thoughts about my situation?

purebliss
purebliss's picture
Offline
Last seen: 7 years 12 months ago
Joined: 01/24/2006 - 18:47
Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

Hi Ladies, I don't get a chance to get on like I used to but I've noticed we need more new topics so here's one! As you all know, FH and I began abstaining in October before we got engaged in December. We had a few(3 to be exact) "slip-ups" but continue to strive toward remaining celibate until our wedding night. We have been in our new home since March 3rd and it is great being able to be with each other everyday and it hasn't really gotten that hard because we occupy the same bed every night. However, I must admit that after 3 months in the house, we had what I refer to as a slip-up. I told my cousin(MOH) about it and she told it was crazy for us to be abstaining and we are already together. I know that we made a vow to wait but we both wanted too. She said you're shacking so what's the point of abstaining, no sin is greater than the other. She really made me feel bad. However, we both love and want to honor God. My question is, is there anyone else in this predicament or that have any thoughts about my situation?



daughterrhonda
daughterrhonda's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 2 months ago
Joined: 05/26/2005 - 17:30
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

I admire you and your FH's desire to honor God and abstain. Don't allow anyone to make you feel bad. What you are doing is not an easy feet. My fiance and I are also living together. We have chosen to abstain as well. The hard thing is we have already "tasted of the apple", we have a child together. My fiance was not with this program when I initially introduced it to him, but he knows that it is important to me, so he has agreed and it is sooooooooo hard. If I had known that it was going to be this hard I would've stayed with my mom until the wedding. LOL!!! Anyway my sister I admire anyone who dares to do this. I must say that our relationship has grown and we feel so close to each other, because we are actually spending quality time with one another and enjoying each other's friendship. This is not about what anybody thinks, it is just one way that you can honor God. I can honestly say that this man is my best friend and I love him dearly!

Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37

phenomonique
phenomonique's picture
Offline
Last seen: 3 years 5 months ago
Joined: 06/23/2005 - 13:49
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

Hi PB&J. Maybe she could have used more tact in what she said. Yes you can still abstain. I personally think you should share the same bed, temptation is a beast. Maybe you could sleep in separate rooms, it's hard to refuse the attention and affection from the one you adore. It's not a slip up, you yeilded. Spirit willing..flesh weak. We are not perfect, and God is forgiving, but as I mentioned before, why tempt youself?

Living my life like it's GOLDEN!!

purebliss
purebliss's picture
Offline
Last seen: 7 years 12 months ago
Joined: 01/24/2006 - 18:47
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

Thanks Ladies, Niquey I guess I am using the wrong word! We have grown alot closer and are more in love than we ever have been because of abstinence. I think that we can continue our abstinence path and make love without convictions in 3 months 3 weeks and 2 days.We have friends who were also abstaining and are getting married in Sept. Notice I said were (so we thought) she is now 3 1/2 months pregnant. Imagine telling everyone that you are abstaining and then you pop up pregnant. Now I don't wnat that to happen to us. Thanks again Ladies, for your sisterly advice.



rosetta
rosetta's picture
Offline
Last seen: 2 years 2 months ago
Joined: 08/23/2002 - 12:00
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

I know its hard. My hubby and I abstained before we married. It wasn't so hard because I was at school, but when he flew up to see me we went at it like rabbits.

The 3 months before the wedding when we were in the same city we spent just about every breathing moment togetherand it drove us crazy. It made me so scared on our wedding night. It was like the very first time. So it is very much worth the wait!

You are both adults find something else to do when he gets all hot and bothered.

Get social and fan us on http://www.facebook.com/Vibrantbride] Facebook.

daughterrhonda
daughterrhonda's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 2 months ago
Joined: 05/26/2005 - 17:30
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

Thanks Rosie!

Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37

purebliss
purebliss's picture
Offline
Last seen: 7 years 12 months ago
Joined: 01/24/2006 - 18:47
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

Rosey, thanks for your feedback! Please understand that he is in no way encouraging or trying to tempt me to do anything. As you stated we are both adults and the 3 times we engaged it was a choice that we both made. He felt just as convicted as I did. It was not my decision not my decision alone to abstain. I was thinking it but he actually verbalized our need to grow more in the Lord and stop having sex so that he could bless our relationship. For the first time in my life, I have someone that can handle that and feels the need to honor God. All the guys I dated previously was not trying to hear my spill about celibacy. We do alot of things together so it's esay to occupy our time with other things.



daughterrhonda
daughterrhonda's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 2 months ago
Joined: 05/26/2005 - 17:30
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

That is a blessing PB&J!

Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37

phenomonique
phenomonique's picture
Offline
Last seen: 3 years 5 months ago
Joined: 06/23/2005 - 13:49
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

PB&J, yes it was sisterly advice. And I know it's hard, but as Rosie said, find other things to do. Do you play scrabble or any other board games/ Do a puzzle together. This is the time when you'll learn lots about each other.

Living my life like it's GOLDEN!!

daughterrhonda
daughterrhonda's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 2 months ago
Joined: 05/26/2005 - 17:30
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

phenomonique wrote:
PB&J, yes it was sisterly advice. And I know it's hard, but as Rosie said, find other things to do. Do you play scrabble or any other board games/ Do a puzzle together. This is the time when you'll learn lots about each other.

So true Niquey.

Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37

rosetta
rosetta's picture
Offline
Last seen: 2 years 2 months ago
Joined: 08/23/2002 - 12:00
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

That cool, pb&J. It is romantic that you feel the way you do.

Get social and fan us on http://www.facebook.com/Vibrantbride] Facebook.

bumblebeekee
bumblebeekee's picture
Offline
Last seen: 7 years 9 months ago
Joined: 06/06/2006 - 22:16
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

Bliss, do what you have to do to get closer to God...I am so proud of you for sharing that. I don't live with my fiancee but days and days go by without us seeing each other due to work, and sometimes on purpose so we can abstain, but If we spend too much time together doing nothing...oh boy....but I will tell you that we have begun going to a married and engaged couples class at my church, and it is great. We have slipped since we started that class, and then lets not include the times we got close....but you have to remember to repent, and work as hard as possible to get out of the house, the bed, or whatever to keep yourselves. Just now I had to send my fiancee home because he wanted to fool around. Kising is okay but I know me and I know him,and we have to nip it before it starts (Hey I gotta be real)...I'm not mad at him and neither is he mad at me...he has his moments and sometimes its up to us women to keep the ground holy....thats just how it can be...once he decided to spend the night, and I was okay with it, I just slept on the couch that night, and he understood. I think it may be a good idea to sleep in separate rooms. Trust me, God honors those who do their best, no matter how drastic you have to be sometimes to do right...You all are grown, and after its said and done, you will see no harm done from abstaining....don't listen to anyone who says its okay to do the WRONG thing...never forget that SATAN will never encourage you to abstain....be encouraged in knowing who will:)
Be blessed.

We've been Happily Married 2 Years and Counting:)

a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/">

daughterrhonda
daughterrhonda's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 2 months ago
Joined: 05/26/2005 - 17:30
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

Excellent advice Bumble! Thanks.

Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37

charlottemodebe
charlottemodebe's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 8 months ago
Joined: 07/30/2005 - 11:08
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

Purebliss I admire you for actually admitted this and knowing what the problem is....Niquey said...we are still in the flesh and the flesh wants what it wants. I would have suggested to go to the JP but your date is close....but try as hard as you can to abstine and if all else false then remember God is not like man......He will forgive you.

Charlotte wishes you all a beautiful Christmas filled with loads of love, laughter and the true meaning of this blessed season.

daughterrhonda
daughterrhonda's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 2 months ago
Joined: 05/26/2005 - 17:30
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

Amen!

Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37

phenomonique
phenomonique's picture
Offline
Last seen: 3 years 5 months ago
Joined: 06/23/2005 - 13:49
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

My my, you jumped right in there sis!

Living my life like it's GOLDEN!!

sistah
sistah's picture
Offline
Last seen: 9 years 5 days ago
Joined: 09/16/2005 - 16:58
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

I know how you feel. We don't stay together but when he does stay overnight, I literally force myself to go into the bedroom and leave him on the sofa and have my daughter in the bed with me. I force myself to do that because our being close to each other can open so many doors. We even vowed not to kiss because of how we feel (that didn't last long at first). So now I've adopted eskimo kisses or a peck to his cheek, forehead or neck while he'll kiss the palm of my hand, tip of my nose or my forehead. I know we all fall short but we have to remember that the Word says to avoid the very appearance of evil in which I'm still striving even with him coming over. If we set boundaries we grow in strength daily when we uphold the standard. So now my next step in honor is to not have him over past say 11pm, yeah I'm grown and on my own but in God's eyes we are still children. (Now I gotta take heed to my own advice)- You can do it!!!

platinumstyle
platinumstyle's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 1 month ago
Joined: 09/28/2005 - 12:32
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

Wow.I still admire you Ladies that are abstaining.God bless you.

Born Blessed!

purebliss
purebliss's picture
Offline
Last seen: 7 years 12 months ago
Joined: 01/24/2006 - 18:47
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

I love you Ladies!



daughterrhonda
daughterrhonda's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 2 months ago
Joined: 05/26/2005 - 17:30
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

We love you back :-)!

Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37

charlottemodebe
charlottemodebe's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 8 months ago
Joined: 07/30/2005 - 11:08
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

Mucho mucho love it here....:-)

Charlotte wishes you all a beautiful Christmas filled with loads of love, laughter and the true meaning of this blessed season.

purebliss
purebliss's picture
Offline
Last seen: 7 years 12 months ago
Joined: 01/24/2006 - 18:47
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

So do I! I miss you all when I get busy and can't get on.



daughterrhonda
daughterrhonda's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 2 months ago
Joined: 05/26/2005 - 17:30
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

PureBliss wrote:
So do I! I miss you all when I get busy and can't get on.

Your presence is missed as well when you are not able to get on.

Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37

septbride
septbride's picture
Offline
Last seen: 8 years 1 month ago
Joined: 10/17/2005 - 06:30
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

My plan is to abstain starting 6 months prior to the wedding. Ladies, I am like a little jack rabbit (TMI) and only hope I can get through the 6 months without slipping up. FH doesn't want to abstain but he has no choice. I know some of you wondering why am I planning on doing it and then have a set date that I will start. But, I have my reasons. I hope that 6 months is long enough though for our honeymoon night to feel special. :-)

daughterrhonda
daughterrhonda's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 2 months ago
Joined: 05/26/2005 - 17:30
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

It is long enough Askalot :-), my fiance and I are doing the same thing. He is having a harder time with this than I am. But I assure him constantly that it is worth it!

Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37

rosetta
rosetta's picture
Offline
Last seen: 2 years 2 months ago
Joined: 08/23/2002 - 12:00
sistah

That is soooo HOT! Eskimo kisses and palm kisses. Who would think that a man could learn to be so restrained and ROMANTIC! Girls, you are all so admirable.

Get social and fan us on http://www.facebook.com/Vibrantbride] Facebook.

daughterrhonda
daughterrhonda's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 2 months ago
Joined: 05/26/2005 - 17:30
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

Thank you Rosie, I just love my fiance he has grown into a wonderful person over the years! I wouldn't trade him for anything!

Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37

septbride
septbride's picture
Offline
Last seen: 8 years 1 month ago
Joined: 10/17/2005 - 06:30
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

Yes, it takes a little time to get our men right, but they catch on after a while. It just takes patience from us to deal with it until they get it together. :-)

daughterrhonda
daughterrhonda's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 2 months ago
Joined: 05/26/2005 - 17:30
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

SeptBride wrote:
Yes, it takes a little time to get our men right, but they catch on after a while. It just takes patience from us to deal with it until they get it together. :-)

So true Askalot, girl just call me the queen of patience :-)!!!
LOL.

Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37

sistah
sistah's picture
Offline
Last seen: 9 years 5 days ago
Joined: 09/16/2005 - 16:58
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

I have been so fortunate to know that he wants to please God as much (if not more) than I do. You should see our sprint invoices with text messages and pcs to pcs minutes- that goodness we have unlimited.

daughterrhonda
daughterrhonda's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 2 months ago
Joined: 05/26/2005 - 17:30
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

sistah wrote:
I have been so fortunate to know that he wants to please God as much (if not more) than I do. You should see our sprint invoices with text messages and pcs to pcs minutes- that goodness we have unlimited.

What a blessing!

Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37

virtuousv
virtuousv's picture
Offline
Last seen: 10 years 6 months ago
Joined: 03/06/2006 - 14:11
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

OK i'm responding to this only after reading the original post I didn't read the other responses yet, but OH my goodness i'm dealing with the same issue. It's so hard and I don't know what to do. I want to be right with God, but me and my FH has been together for 5 years already and I talked to him about fornication (spelling?) and he's like I understand but you just can't stop just like that after all these years. we were suppose to get married Sep. 2, but pushed the wedding back to 07, so I suggested going to the JP so I would not have this sin over my head, but he doesn't want to he says he wants the wedding where he'd where his suit and his bride comes down.

I go to church and don't take communion because of it, I just don't know how to deal with it. I don't think I can chang this over night, so I just pray that the Lord give us more time and lead me in the right direction. What do you all think. Sorry purebliss I know this is you post, but we are in the same boat sister and I came on here today to post this very issue. I hope we both find some answers .


purebliss
purebliss's picture
Offline
Last seen: 7 years 12 months ago
Joined: 01/24/2006 - 18:47
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

V, I wish you well in your situation. It's really hard when the other person is not in agreement with abstaining. I'm fortunate in that my FH and I both want to do it however, that doesn't make it easy. Talk with him heart to heart and really decide what's most important. Honoring God can be hard to do but it's required of us. As previously stated, I wish you well my sista!



bumblebeekee
bumblebeekee's picture
Offline
Last seen: 7 years 9 months ago
Joined: 06/06/2006 - 22:16
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

virtuousV wrote:
OK i'm responding to this only after reading the original post I didn't read the other responses yet, but OH my goodness i'm dealing with the same issue. It's so hard and I don't know what to do. I want to be right with God, but me and my FH has been together for 5 years already and I talked to him about fornication (spelling?) and he's like I understand but you just can't stop just like that after all these years. we were suppose to get married Sep. 2, but pushed the wedding back to 07, so I suggested going to the JP so I would not have this sin over my head, but he doesn't want to he says he wants the wedding where he'd where his suit and his bride comes down.

I go to church and don't take communion because of it, I just don't know how to deal with it. I don't think I can chang this over night, so I just pray that the Lord give us more time and lead me in the right direction. What do you all think. Sorry purebliss I know this is you post, but we are in the same boat sister and I came on here today to post this very issue. I hope we both find some answers .

V, because you don't have a lot of time, I will suggest that you and your FH do EVERYTHING possible to avoid it. My FH and I have been together for 7 years. Except for a few slip ups we have managed to do this and it is hard. I guess for me, I work so hard at it because I don't want to just get married ASAP to get past the sin, I want to be able to say I did it so I can not only give my future kids the reasons, and the biblical scripture, but that I tried and succeeded at it too. The longest we stopped was for a whole year, and this was after 6 years of being together. People need to know that YES you can abstain IF you want to. I had to ask God to strengthen me in those particular times when the body is willing (but my conversation with God was very candid and honest) and exactly how to respond when my then boyfriend, now FH would come on to me. I mean I still have to tell him NO! And we're both saved! AND he will ask me about 50 more times and I stil lbe like NOPE:)The truth is, its up to me to keep US both right in this situation-and he tries to be good...I call him out on it later, and he thanks for keeping me straight, but in the heat of the moment its like no, no, not now, not later, lets get out the house... and thats okay...you move past that situation....so you have to pray for strength for every future encounter. And then after you are successful a few times-don't get too happy, YOU STILL have to stay on top of it because the devil tries new ways to tempt you. You both can do it, but its on you if you want to. Thats just what it is. God got your back...and always always repent with the intent to never go back....This is what I go through DAILY! Much love

We've been Happily Married 2 Years and Counting:)

a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/">

daughterrhonda
daughterrhonda's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 2 months ago
Joined: 05/26/2005 - 17:30
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

Hey there V! Just want to let you know that you are not alone. The first thing I'd like to say is that God loves you no matter what! You and your FH have decided to get married, that is a wonderful thing in God's eyes. My fiance and I have known each other for almost 20 years (we were not together for all of that time) and we have a 16 year old daughter. It is not easy for us either, but I explained my situation to him, at first he said no!!! I told him how important this is to me and that while I love him, this is not about him, it is about my personal relationship with The Almighty! Our wedding is a little over 4 months away and we find other things to do with ourselves. We talk more, go out more and when things get a bit challenging, I go and sleep in my daughter's room with her. My advice to you would be to pray about it, your fiance may not understand what you are trying to do. Ask God to touch his heart, and continually seek Him for guidance. It is not going to be easy, but you can make it. Also remember if you "slip up", God's mercy and love will be there for you. Be encouraged and know that the sisterhood is here for you. God bless you & your fiance.

Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37

soon2bmsj
soon2bmsj's picture
Offline
Last seen: 7 years 3 months ago
Joined: 08/08/2007 - 08:26
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

**BUMPING**
Ladies, I had to bump this topic because FH and I are dealing with this now! We are getting sooo much static from the "outside" world and people have said the same things to us-why are yall doing this now, yall have did it before and yall live together so what does it matter???
Well it matters to us!!!!!!!!!!!! and even though we both are aware of what we "have" done and we realize that we will be held accountable for it w/God (regardless of what we are doing now) this is the way we are asking God for forgiveness for our sins and to honor his presence and the importance of our faith in our marriage. I REALLY needed to stumble across this post today :) and I am so amazed with how many other sisters have chosen this also! GOD DOES GIVE CONFIRMATION and this was it for me!!!!!!!!!! :)

turiya
turiya's picture
Offline
Last seen: 7 years 10 months ago
Joined: 08/29/2007 - 15:22
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

Yes HE does!

I know it's too late..at the same, I don't see how this comes up in conversation, not meaning here amongst us but to the "outsiders". I think it would have been better not to say anything. Like fasting-you shouldn't put a sign on forehead ..saying I can't eat today bc I need GOD to do something for me, and NOT AT ALL saying that ANY of you did that. I just think of the two as the same, and I can't see how it comes up in convo ..and maybe that's why my friends get so mad at me--telling me I'm too secretive. I don't think I'm secretive, I just don't feel everything is for everybody to know, and if I feel like that about a topic then nobody knows just for assurance. (I had to learn that though)



soon2bmsj
soon2bmsj's picture
Offline
Last seen: 7 years 3 months ago
Joined: 08/08/2007 - 08:26
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

Well this was a conversation that I had with my MOH who then told an Usher and her brother that I am friends with (since we all go to church together)and every since they have made the "comments"

cinamin1
cinamin1's picture
Offline
Last seen: 4 years 12 months ago
Joined: 08/02/2005 - 13:14
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

This is why you can't tell certain people your personal business (or wedding plans for that matter). I only tell y'all because you all are understanding, honest, empathetic, and supportive! If it's important to you & your FH, then do it. Forget these other judgemental folks.

I'm a married woman as of December 2, 2006.
Delight yourself also in the Lord & He shall give you all the desires of your heart.-Psalm 37:4

ginoue
ginoue's picture
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 6 months ago
Joined: 06/04/2007 - 06:23
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

Diva, why do you care what some busy-bodies have to say. Only God can judge you. I agree with my sisters though, no matter how close you think you are to your friends, certain things should always remain between you, your man and God.

soon2bmsj
soon2bmsj's picture
Offline
Last seen: 7 years 3 months ago
Joined: 08/08/2007 - 08:26
Re: Abstinence or Not!!!!!!!

you are so right G...but I was sharing this info with someone who I thought would ENCOURAGE me, not DISCOURAGE with negative comments/thoughts!!

all of you ladies are correct, I allowed my thoughts get in the way of my mind-I was told ANYTHING that you try to do for GOD will be challenged by the enemy-but the Devil is already defeated in THIS situation...and God will get the glory!! FH had a hard time at first with our decision, but now we can both look at 30 more days and it is ON!!!! LOL