Advice for a friend...

OMG! My heart goes out to this woman. There is actually something going on here! This man has not grasped the concept of being married. I don't know what kind of relationship these two individuals have had prior to them saying their vows. This is what I think, when men withdraw themselves they are dealing with something that they can't handle. They either have outside interests or an overwhelming problem or both. When I say "outside interests" it could be another woman, gambling or drugs. The fact that they don't sleep in the same bed says that this man is hiding something. Taking his wife's money and 'doing what he wants to do' is completely unacceptable! Communication is key here and because there is a lack of it, that can be an even bigger problem. Does your friend try to talk to him, if so when she does, does he shut down? He owes his WIFE an explanation to say the least. I'm just trying to keep it real. I am a woman too. Your friend should try and communicate with him again in a non-confrontational way, this is something that needs to be dealt with. If that doesn't work then she should seek counseling. In any event I wish this woman all the best in this situation.

OH HEH-ELL NO! This poor woman.... that stupid man. I would say:

#1, get her car back (let HIM walk to & fro)
#2 open a new bank account and have all of her money direct deposited into that account
#3 send the baby away for the weekend
#4 have a long discussion with this man about how this can no longer go on and how he either needs to GET RIGHT OR GET LEFT.

Without knowing this man there are a number of things he could have going on here such as drug abuse or it could be another woman. This is not a healthy situation for her or her child to be in. I pray for her marriage to either get

(1) A LOT better

or

(2)for her to have the strength and courage to leave because SHE CAN DO BAD BY HER DAMN SELF.

My heart goes out to her. My 1st question is has she ever wondered if he was on drugs? Being in the field that I am his behavior sounds like someone that has a drug habit. When you're on drugs you can care less about anything else but the drug. maybe asking him if he's on drugs and needs some help. Also, what is his weakness? Meaning, is there anything in this world that if threatened to lose it will get his attention. Perhaps, his marriage! It seems that she needs to woman up to this situation and nip it in the bud. If he's her husband of less than a year there had to be a turning point because I'm sure he wasn't acting like this before they got married or shortly after. If she is not able to get him to talk then she may need to just tell him how she feels and ask him if he really wants to be married to her. Just like she needs her husband her child needs his father. I'm sure this stress has taken a toll on her and the baby can sense it too. My prayers are with her but she has to really turn the situation over to God in prayer.

Askalot you gave her priceless advice. She has to love herself more than him. I pray that she gets the strength and courage to move her and her child into a healthy environment. This man is not worthy of her love. My prayers are with her. He will be crying something awful if she leaves his butt, that usually is what happens.

GOD sure works in mysterious ways. Let me tell you how awesome GOD is. Hubby and I have begun looking for our first home. We found two. One that I really like and one that he really likes. I have been praying really hard for GOD to show us what he wants for us. This is not about me, so long story short, I have a book called "Prayers for troubled times" that I keep on my desk at work. Because Askalot had already told me about this situation, I wasn't going to respond. I opened my book to find a prayer for myself regarding our home buying situation. When I immediately just opened the book to any page and guess what? The prayer on the top of the page was entitled "A wife's Prayer for the first year of marriage". I instantly thought of Askalot's friend. Askalot, please share this with her. This is how it read:

"Lord, help me! I'm married!. This isn't what I expected at all! I anticipated romantic evenings and thoughtful surprises, but suddenly he's a totally different person than he was before we married. He used to tell me how wonderful he thought I was, now he takes me for granted. I thought we'd be together all the time, instead I rarely see him. Sometimes I wonder if any body snatchers sneaked in and replaced the man I love with an alien. Show me what to do. This is a nightmare. I promised to stay with this man forever! I do love him, but how can I live like this? Is my marriage different from anyone else's? Or is this what everyone meant when they said marriage would be hard work? Teach me how to do this marriage-work, Lord. I've never felt so lonely in my life. Help me reach out to you for love when I wonder if my husband loves me. Teach me how to show love to him in spite of arguments and disappointments. I know he isn't deliberately hurting me. Release me from my expectations. Help me to be contented with the reality of marriage instead of hoping for a fantasy that exists only in books and movies. Calm my spirit when we disagree. Show mehow to forgive him when he hurts me. Help me understand his point of view. Help us overlook each others flaw's. Teach us how to compromise. Melt us into one unit. I know you can do this Lord, even though right now the possibility seems pretty remote. I am asking in Jesus' name, amen."

I don't think it was a coincidence that I opened the book to this prayer. I think God showed it to me to be a blessing to someone else.

Right on time Bossie! That prayer will be a blessing to anyone who reads it. Thanks again.

"Prayers for Troubled Times" It's written by Jeannie St. John Taylor. Any situation you can possibly think of, it has a prayer for it. I use it for everything.

This site is just wonderful, you always receive answers for what ever situation you are dealing with. You ladies are just the best!

I wasnt' going to respond because everything I was going to say has been said. But, your friend is definitely in my prayers. Bossie, that was truly a beautiful prayer. I'll be purchasing that book as well.

I will be purchasing the book! God is truly awesome. Bossie, it was not a coincedence.

All U Ladies are truly a Blessing from God. The advice you gave was priceless. Future Ms Lee, gurl I just Love you!!!! Ms Sept you have the most difficult job of all. Supporting your friend when it probably makes u sick inside to see what she goes through. Prayer definitly does wonders but ladies please remember God helps those who help themselves!!!! This man was like this b4 the marriage but we women think we can change them. He is an old dog who does not want to learn new tricks cuz the old ones are working just fine. Unfortunatly she has to get stronger b4 she can leave. He may have bought the car but she is paying 4 it in her suffering. As one who has been there with my ex. Some other woman is riding in YOUR car,maybe even driving it and if he gets tickets, you are responsible. His license will not be suspended yours will because his probably already is! Try to get her in a book club or around other strong positive sisters because you are right, her self esteem is badly damaged right now and he will keep it that way as long as it suits his needs. If this man does not feel like she will seriously leave or that he has nothing to lose, he will not change. I say leave, but it is easier said than done. Maybe she needs to give him a taste of his own medicine. NOT CHEAT, but give him enough to allow him to believe she is, disappear 4 hours, go to the movies but don't let him know that's where she is. Go window shopping or better yet to bible study. If this man always knows where she is, he does not have to worry. Give him something to worry about. I hate games but If she insists on staying with this 31yr old boy she has to make him remember she is a Queen and it is his honor and priveledge to be with her. Ladies we all need to pray for this one.

I know how it feels to be abused emotionally and mentally. Until I asked God to come into my life and speak through me, all the fussing, and crying I did would not make him feel any remorse about his behavior....I had to decide that if I left, would I be strong enough to live without him....one God showed me I was, I was gone and haven't looked back...He is a better man now, without me, but things are as they should be....If she believes this man can turn around, and its the desire of her heart, God will give her that desire, but only if SHE has the strength and the unadulturated faith the believe BEFORE she actually sees.

We definitely need to PRAY on ONE accord for this woman...even if we have to set a specific time and hour....how about tonight at 11 PM?
The following should me mentioned:
1. Pray for strength for her to be able to stand up and speak the Lord's word to him.
2. Pray that his heart is open and hea has an ear to hear what she is saying to him....and that God soften's his heart to what is going on....sometimes people get so caught up in themselves, but the right timing does wonders.

....SeptBride, God bless you for being her friend!

Bossie, that prayer is right on time!
.....I will also get that book, and I think I will take it to my engaged couples class that my fiance and i are attending at church (I hope that everyone here is seeking wise and spiritual counsel in some form or fashion)....In the meantime....lots of prayer ladies! Watch how God gets the glory in this sad situation.....
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Count me in for the prayer! We ladies have to stick together and support one another. This sister is special in God's sight because she has the ViBride sistahood praying for her. God is sooooo good!

Amen! Count me in for the prayer! We all must realize that marriage is hard and anyone of us could be faced with the same situation. It's important for us to get prayed up now so that when we encounter storms in our marriages that we have the full armor of God on to get through. Ladies, this site is truly a blessing because it's great to see a group of sistas from all over this country that do not even know each other uplifting the name of Jesus and supporting each other. God is truly awesome! Some of us didn't even have this type of support before we became acquainted on this site. God is amazing! There are no coincidences, he gives us exactly what we need when we need it.

Well said Mrs PB&J!!!!

Bossie... this prayer is great! It fits this situation ALMOST perfectly. I think this prayer is in general for the average first year of marriage. This is NOT an average marriage. This marriage is so far below average if it were a restaurant it would be closed down for all of the violations committed here. The part that does not fit this situation is this:

[quote="nlbostic"] I know he isn't deliberately hurting me.
[/quote]

YES HE IS. This boy IS deliberately trying to hurt this woman. Proof:

[quote="SeptBride"] He told me himself "I wish that she finds another man, so that she'll leave me alone". Oh, I forgot to add, HE DOESN'T ANSWER HER PHONE CALLS!!! She called him one night 10 times and he didn't pick up or call back! [/quote]

He intentionally avoids her calls and doesn't call her back AND he has already told my dear Askalot that he wishes she would find another man and leave him alone. I would ask him why in the HELL he got married. If he wants out he needs to man up and let her know instead of doing stupid ish so she can leave her. Men do things like that I have 15 male cousins, I know. They used to break a woman down until she finally calls it quits so that they don't have to be the ones to do it.

[quote="SeptBride"] They don't sleep in the same bed. When she comes home from work, he leaves out. He took all of the money except $14 out of the bank - over $1000 of her money - and didn't explain to her where the money went. [/quote]

How was she supposed to pay bills and feed herself & the baby and catch the bus to work (since he is rolling in HER BMW) on the FOURTEEN! 14!?! dollars he left of HER money in the bank account. This situation is not healthy for the baby! When my sister and her baby donor go through things I ask her: If my niece came to you with this situation, what would you tell her? How would you want her to handle it? If the situation was the same but the names were changed, what would you want her to do? I feel like preaching. Lemme stop before I get beside myself.

I was trying to stay away from this post b/c it hits me too close to home. My sister (21) has a beautiful baby girl (my heart) by a fool that sounds so much like this. She gives him money (sometimes her whole check) and everything else. He has no job, not going to school, smokes weed all day and has 2 other children that he is also not taking care of and a host of other women. He has beaten her, he tried to give her a miscarriage, when she got pregnant a second time he successfully stressed her into one. But she loves him for whatever reason it is she claims she loves him although he offers nothing constructive to her life. She claims to want to marry this man and if she can't have him she doesn't want to be with anyone else. He has broken her spirit and crushed her self esteem - my sister is gorgeous y'all. I believe this post will be me in a few years if she doesn't get away from him and he doesn't kill her first. Somebody pray for her too.

But my advice to your friend is just as it was in my previous post.

1) have HER money direct deposited into a new account in only her name.
2)send the baby away for the weekend
3) force this man to have a long hard discussion about the state of their marriage (play some o'jays cried together in the background)
4) if this man refuses this discussion, pray for the strength and courage to branch out on her own. Again, SHE CAN DO BAD ALL BY HER DAMN SELF.

[quote="Bumblebeekee"]
We definitely need to PRAY on ONE accord for this woman...even if we have to set a specific time and hour....how about tonight at 11 PM?
The following should me mentioned:
1. Pray for strength for her to be able to stand up and speak the Lord's word to him.
2. Pray that his heart is open and hea has an ear to hear what she is saying to him....and that God soften's his heart to what is going on....sometimes people get so caught up in themselves, but the right timing does wonders.

SOUNDS GOOD TO ME, EASTERN OR PACIFIC TIME, SO WE CAN GET THIS COORDINATED RIGHT.

WE SHOULD ALSO PRAY FOR GOD TO HEAL HER BRUISED AND BATTERED HEART AND TO KNOW THAT TRUE LOVE DOESN'T HURT IN THIS MANNER.

Bullsquash!!! My heart goes out to your friend Askalot, but please let her know that she's in the hearts and prayers of the sistahood! Please keep us posted.

[quote="FutureMsLee"]Bossie... this prayer is great! It fits this situation ALMOST perfectly. I think this prayer is in general for the average first year of marriage. [/quote]
I have to disagree with you future. This prayer is not average for the first year of marriage. The first year if not more is the best time in MOST marriages. During the first year, you shouldn't have to wonder if your husband still loves you. This is definitely not average, atleast I don't anticipate my first year being this way.

[quote="SeptBride"]

Future, I totally agree with you. He needs to man up! I did ask him this question. His response: Her parents had already put all of this money into the wedding and I couldn't just leave.

[/quote]

This man should've just explained that he was not ready for marraige for this reason, now he has a very, very big mess on his hands, and her parents would've still had their $30K.

I also forgot to add that this is a family in crisis. Ladies even if we don't get the prayer thing coordinated. Just remember them in your prayers when you are praying at night or first thing in the morning.

I will pray as I always do for those in pain and having problems. Thank You strong sisters for letting me in the fold. While I believe all things are possible with prayer I also know God speaks to us all the time, we just choose to ignore him! It is called common sense and intuition. I don't want to sound like I'm better than because believe me I"ve been there personally. But because of that expereince I know. She knows the answers to all these ?'s in her mind she just has to woman up and know she can do much better. She has to be willing to submit to what God leads her to and leave this fool. And I agree, THIS IS NOT TYPICAL IN THE 1ST YEAR OF MARRIAGE!!! Typical behavior is learning how to live together, save together,pay bills together and balancing the outside world with the paradise you are living within your home etc...Not wondering where your husband is and how am I going to pay the bill because he spent all the money wining,dining, and impressing some hoochie!! Ok now that I have said all that, You ladies continue to pray for her and my strength.

[quote="TAJMOM"]I will pray as I always do for those in pain and having problems. Thank You strong sisters for letting me in the fold. While I believe all things are possible with prayer I also know God speaks to us all the time, we just choose to ignore him! It is called common sense and intuition. I don't want to sound like I'm better than because believe me I"ve been there personally. But because of that expereince I know. She knows the answers to all these ?'s in her mind she just has to woman up and know she can do much better. She has to be willing to submit to what God leads her to and leave this fool. And I agree, THIS IS NOT TYPICAL IN THE 1ST YEAR OF MARRIAGE!!! Typical behavior is learning how to live together, save together,pay bills together and balancing the outside world with the paradise you are living within your home etc...Not wondering where your husband is and how am I going to pay the bill because he spent all the money wining,dining, and impressing some hoochie!! Ok now that I have said all that, You ladies continue to pray for her and my strength.
[/quote]

WELL SAID MY SISTA, I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU!!!!!

Ditto! She knows but she refuses to except! I'm sure that her parents would rather lose 30K than have their daughter in a marriage that's causing so much pain. They probably alraedy knew it would be this way anyway and are waiting for her to admit it now.

Although its a lil late I'll throw my two cents in.

First and foremost, my heart goes out to your friend Sept, its hard enough navigating through a strained relationship without the responsibility of a marriage commitment and a child. I think you're doing the best you can, support her and keep telling her the truth. I do agree w/ PBliss that his erratic behavior could point to drug use and unfortunately even weed in excess can change a person. There are too many little red flags for her to keep ignoring.

Secondly Mrs Bossie, that prayer was on point!! As someone in the throws of my 1st year of marriage I can def. draw from PARTS of that prayer. Indeed, its been said that the first year + of marriaed life is supposed to be blissful but realistically, there is no guarantee. Life can easily tailspin out of control and you both can be left wondering which side is up. The prayer is open to interpretation and I'm sure it will meet different woman who have diff. needs and worries. I took the prayer as a reminder that marriage is hard work and will constantly need to be nurtured. My father likes to say nothing good ever comes easy and I feel that way abt my marriage.
I LOVE being married and enjoy wifehood but darn it, this marriage thing isnt easy.

We all agree that this woman's relationship is in dire straits and so I hope that she can somehow make sense of it all. They'll def. be in my thoughts and prayers.

Any updates on your friend Sept?

I am so sorry I am late to this thread...that sisterfriend needs prayer...and a lawyer ASAP.

There is no reason in the world for any woman to ever put up with a relationship in which she is emotionally abused in this manner; he is alienating her; and negligent in his duties as a husband and not even sounding a like a person she needs to have in her life at all...much less as a life partner.

Because there is a child involved, the siutation is even more shameful on his part. He is not only taking from her, but from the child as well.

Damn all that -- there is a difference between a difficult first year, and this situation. It is emotionally abusive and not a healthy environment for her or the child.

She is still young, and will find love again, or maybe for the first time, because there is definitely no love going on from him in this siutation.

Please also encourage her to seek counseling, she may need someone professionally qualified to help her recover from this.

She and the child are in my prayers; the dude is on my s*** list!

Excellent advice Always!

I am late responding as well. I have just started attending bible study here at my camp. We were just having a similar discussion last night. We had a female who has been married for 14 years and she has felt as iff she was in this marriage alone and it took her 14 years and I don't know how many girlafriends and so forth. My advice is to pray and ask god to show what step she should take. Me being I am semi ghetto I would have been called up my homegirls and we rolled up on that fool wherever her was and took my car and then probably beat him down.......LOL Laughter is the world best medicine!

Sheawill, excellent advice girl. But you are toooooooooooooo funny! HAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

I definitely have to pray on this one.
My first thought is: DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE!
Yet I am not going through this, and all I can say or do is what the Lord says. I hate to say it but Askalot your friend has the right idea. She may need to step back for a minute and just focus on God. I am not saying that a lightning bolt will come out the sky and strike him dead or even strike him "good" but if she has a desire in her heart for this man to do right then God will do it for her. Its messed up though. I am shaking just saying it but I can't talk with my flesh (part of me thats not God), though its my nature to work emotionally. The bible says some serious things, and I will provide an interesting link here. To me its a test. Like I said I have seen God make a saint out of a demon so this guy is eligble to be saved too.
A word on divorce
Unfortunately its all on this woman to continue to seek God only. Even if it means lonely days and nights. God will tell her to let it go, or make provision. Its hard to just step back and watch someone cut a straight fool while you wait on God to do his thing. But, in the end, God WILL get the glory, and this "husband" will have to bow down and confess to Him. Guaranteed!
Its a sad but not hopeless situation.
Dag its hard doing the will of the Lord. And thats just real talk.

Your friend's husband is caught up in the moment. What kind of woman fools around with a married man???!!!??? What makes him think that she won't cheat on his butt if the opportunity presents itself? I will pray for strength for your friend.

Wait, I know that ASS HOLE left out of the house on a stretcher. Sorry but I am a kick ass, ask questions later kind of girl. I would hire someone to follow him and take pictures of him with the other woman no let me change that, with the other BITCH. I would get as much edvidence as I possible could and then TAKE HIS ASS TO THE CLEANERS! Sorry all for the language but I hate cheating men, and especially women who date men that are involved. They are nothing but skanks. Apparently he started cheating on her not long after their marriage, so why did he even ask her to marry him. If you know you are not ready to settle down then dont. Tell her to be strong! I know it is going to be hard, but she should start going out to keep her mind off of him. The more she stays in the house the more depressed she is going to be. Once she gets to the point that she can make it with out him, trust me he will be smelling right in her butt again.

Oh, and tell her that if she needs me to put on my sneakers and we go handle it, not a problem.

[quote="DaughterRhonda"]Your friend's husband is caught up in the moment. What kind of woman fools around with a married man???!!!??? What makes him think that she won't cheat on his butt if the opportunity presents itself? I will pray for strength for your friend.
[/quote]

I read today that Bobby Brown has run off and moved in with Karrine Stephens aka Video Vixen. The shame of it all!

I heard that to Mycenae. Shame on him.

Askalot the corner is calling you!!!!!

[quote="SeptBride"]Ummm, what does that have to do with anything that we're talking about here???????
[/quote]

TAKE YOUR ASS TO THE CORNER!!!!!!!!!! RIGHT NOW.