Am I Being Selfish??

Hi SweetP.

You are not too young to be married at all, so don't sweat that. Tell him that you love him very much and would like to be alone with him for 3 years before starting a family. If you are on a career path, children can hinder things a bit for women. It sucks, but its' the truth. If that fails, tell him his princess should have the luxury of his undivided attention for a few more years. Why complicate things with another child? Hubby and I waited 10 years and now we can afford all these great things for our daughter that we would not have been able to before (Montessori, Violin lessons, Ballet, etc.)

Have fun being married.

SweetP-first of all let me say you are such an honorable woman by accepting his daughter and being "enough". there are not many women who would do just that...secondly, I believe if it is YOUR choice to not have children then your FH should accept that. I am sure he is thinking that he loves you so much that he wants to share that special bond with you also, but I see nothing wrong with you NOT wanting to have children. Also, with you guys both being young, you still have plenty of time to change your mind! :)

I agree with the ladies above and like soon2bmsj said you have time to change your mind. Also you aren't to young young to get married.
I think if you really don't want kids and he really does you should really have another serious heart to heart conversation with him to make sure he can handle your decision because I think the children issue can be big to some men. Like the family name being continued, etc.
Also you don't want him to go outside the marriage to get those kids you don't want to have. Just a little something to think about.

This may be controversial but I have to say it:
If you feel that strongly about not having kids and he feels just as strongly about having kids, you two may not be meant for eachother. Compromise on either side will lead to resentment.

God forbid you compromise and you two don't work out - you now have a child to care for that you didn't initially want and that will cause more dissentment in your dealings with him and the child suffers.

God forbid he compromises and the next thing you know you're dealing with a knock at your door with a mother and child on the other side.

You may want to seek pre-marital counseling, it may help. I didn't want children at 22 either but here I am at 31 with 2 kids considering haing a 3rd (and last)! You just never know.

Really decide if this is a "right now" feeling for you or a lifelong one. Don't make a permanent decision based on a temporary situation.

[quote="FutureMrsKeepUp"]This may be controversial but I have to say it:
If you feel that strongly about not having kids and he feels just as strongly about having kids, you two may not be meant for eachother. Compromise on either side will lead to resentment.

God forbid you compromise and you two don't work out - you now have a child to care for that you didn't initially want and that will cause more dissentment in your dealings with him and the child suffers.

God forbid he compromises and the next thing you know you're dealing with a knock at your door with a mother and child on the other side.

You may want to seek pre-marital counseling, it may help. I didn't want children at 22 either but here I am at 31 with 2 kids considering haing a 3rd (and last)! You just never know.

Really decide if this is a "right now" feeling for you or a lifelong one. Don't make a permanent decision based on a temporary situation.
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WORDS WELL SPOKEN...!

Well said ladies! All the best to you SweetP!

Just looking at my life, when I was 22 I swore up and down I did not want any children, but as I got older that number moved up to okay, I'll have one. I said that to say you both are still young, let him know like other have said that you want to spend some time with him, get your lives together mentally, financially and careerwise. Things could be different 5 years down the line....again this is just looking at where my mind was at that time.

And to cosign on what Future said:

In my first marriage (of which I was 19 ..younger than you) my first 2 kids came back to back, they are 13 months apart. After I got them off their bottles, out of pampers, off to school, and I lost all my baby phat ..I just knew that was it for me. Then I started thinking ...I didn't get to enjoy 'A' baby, so I'll go ahead and have another one. Now XH wasn't having it ...I was ok cool. Then he decided he wanted one ...nope I wasn't having it ...I had worked out to hard to "relapse". We did that for about 2-3 years before WE was cool with having another one. Then I was about 4 months pregnant when he left our family. After all that back and forth about having another baby!!!! I vowed that I would NEVER get married again (I kinda messed up on that part ..LOL) or have ANY more kids, I got my tubes tied.

You just never know what CAN happen, so be grounded, comfortable, and be able to live with your decisions.

I agree with everything the ladies have said. You're not too young to be married and I think you're very mature as well. Just talk to your FH because at 22, you're career oriented and there's nothing wrong with that. Explain that you want to enjoy being married for a while, while enjoying his precious daughter as well and helping to secure your financial future so you guys are not struggling when you decide to start a family. Maybe you'll wait 5 years and change your mind, maybe longer, but leave your options open.

Good luck to you and quit thinking that you're selfish. You're not.

[quote="FutureMrsKeepUp"]You may want to seek pre-marital counseling, it may help. I didn't want children at 22 either but here I am at 31 with 2 kids considering haing a 3rd (and last)! You just never know.

Really decide if this is a "right now" feeling for you or a lifelong one. Don't make a permanent decision based on a temporary situation.
[/quote]

Totally agree with what Future said... you may want to go through counselling to help sort through this issue before you finally settle together. Either way it won't be fair to either party to make sacrifices which at the end of the day they can't really live with as this might come back to cause a whole lot of unnecessary resentment in your marriage.

Like everybody said this might afterall be a "right now" decision and not necessarily a "lifelong" one for you in which case you should highlight it to your FH. Good Luck

SweetP you are not being selfish you are being real....But if you feel that strongly about it then you should not be with this person, you may want to be with someone who also feels the way you do...Secondly I think that because you are so young, you may be thinking about, I don't want kids right now, and maybe not for another 10 years and thats okay too....If this is the case or not, either way you should pray about it....Ask yourself, if you DID want kids, and could do it on your terms (unlikely in God's time....) but if you could, when would be ideal for you? If 5-10 years is something you're comfortable with then explain that to him.... If not, then realize a few things:

1. Sterilize yourself by getting your tubes cut and tied: If you do get pregnant (BC is not 100% foolproof), you will be very resentful, and thus can have an unhappy pregnancy.....if you do this THEN tell him what you plan to do.....but don't be surprised if the wedding is off or if he doesn't speak to you....This is extreme, but its what you want and the only way to prevent pregnancy....

2. Be realistic....once again, is it that you don't want them today, or never! People sing that song all day, but when they get successful, get the money and are 33, 35+, then they start thinking of their future and their legacy, only to realize they are having a hard time getting pregnant...and regretting that they didn't take a chance and that oh yeah, money and success isn't all THAT important....

3. Remember that for a man (especially in this day and age), wanting to make children with you is also a statement of love...its his way of saying you will be a great mom, make me some beautiful kids, and we will be all the better for it...its his way of,in a way "replicating" your beauty, greatness, and fabulousness so he can have more of and see more of you in his sons and daughters...so when you say you don't want kids, it may be a personal affront to him, and a way you are rejecting his offer to pass down a legacy that you and him create together in love, and share together....

Just like deciding to have kids is a HUGE deal, deciding not to is also a BIG deal! Its like, to have kids, (like getting married) you take in the bad with the good....but NOT to is to exclude yourself out of the bad...AND the good....yeah they are expensive, and try your nerves, but you miss out on seeing how he or she looks so much like the man you love, or the mother, or grandmother, or father, or grandfather who raised you....or how many boo boos you don't get to kiss, or how your daughter and son thinks you and your husband are the coolest things since sliced bread, or how you are always there to make this crazy world seem better.....

So no you are not selfish, but certainly think think think and PRAY PRAY PRAY and TALK TO YOU FH ABOUT what you BOTH want....ask him WHy he wants more, and tell him why not....the alternatives, a possible compromise, but what that compromise can mean eaither way...cause he can easily resent you later on for agreeing to NOT have kids...especially when his friends start having more......how will you feel knowing that he feels that way?

Anytime! Keep us posted :)

I have to agree with Keepup and Bumble, this is a deal breaker thing. Kids are a forever comittment and they are something that no matter which side you fall on you should necessarily compromise on.

You can compromise on what state you live in, what kind of house you will buy, what kind of car etc. All those things are temporary and can be changed, babies cannot.

I would say to examine your reasons for not wanting children first and express your reasons to you FI, but you have too look at the fact that he wants more children and he will likely not change that stance and may resent you if he does.

I agree with the ladies. This is a subject that can make or break a marriage and definitely needs to be squared away before you take that walk down the aisle. Good luck SWEETP

The ladies have given you excellent advice. Please do some soul searching before making any major decisions. This is something you both need to be in agreement with.

Good luck Sweetp with whatever you decide

I hope that you two can work this out and come to a decision, either way best wishes for you.

Good Luck SweetP and keep praying.