Am I Stupid

First, no one is stupid -- I don't like that word.

Secondly, your instincts have already alerted you that you have some issues that need to be resolved with your fiance. Now that your instincts have alerted you, the rest is up to you. I don't know this man so I can't judge him, but I would be real concerned about some of the things you mentioned. Has he shown you proof of the divorce papers, have you attended the divorce hearings with him. What is the reason that he hasn't introduced you to his family? Put the baton in his hand -- he needs to come up with some answers.

I would recommend that you pray -- God has given us women instincts for a reason -- they will never lead us wrong. Ask God for his direction and once you do that you have to be prepared to move the way He wants you to. My heart goes out to you, because love shouldn't hurt. In any event my sister be encouraged and seek God.

P.S. You have no reason to feel embarrassed we are a sisterhood of mature women who geniunely care about one another. I don't know if you remember that not so long ago, my business was all over the place and these ladies supported me through a very difficult time in my life. Thanks Vibride sisters!!!!

First of all, you are NOT stupid...it is called LOVE. secondly, please continue to pray about this situation and ask God to lead and guide you on this one. Don't feel bad about the family thing, FH has 3 sisters and I have only met 2 of them out of the 2+ yrs we have been together--and my thought is I have tried to make myself avail to all of them but I cannot force them, as for the child, just prepare yourself because she may not take him to court right now, but later on (when she is ready) she will take him to court for child support which will greatly impact your future. my heart goes out to you right now and just know you are not, and will not be the only person that has been in this situation..

Love makes us all do some "silly" things. My suggestion would be ...make a man out of him. If he loves you enough to do the "right" things in your situation -maybe you can consider moving forward. I am neither judging ...at the same time -we know "our" men ...they will do what they are allowed to do and get away with what they can get away with. He needs to MAN UP then I feel like you can move forward without asking yourself that degrading question.

I feel like you need a (((((HUG)))))!

I agree with Rhony ~ you're not stupid. You're right on point because God is trying to show you things. He's showing you exactly who you're dealing with. Now, I'm not saying that Your FH don't love you because he's been married 3 times before, but sister I'm telling you to pray. This is the man you're in love with. Pray as if your very exhistance depends on it. Then sit down calmly and have a heart-to-heart with your FH about all of your concerns.

What concerns me in your case is your FH's pending divorce. The only way that it would take so long is if she refuses to sign the papers. In which case, pending on the statutes of your state, ask him to do a published divorce instead because they have nothing together. If he publishes the divorce ~ which means that if he publishes it all the newspapers in the town that she lives in. The court will give her a deadline to respond. If she doesn't, he is then granted a divorce by default. Pending on the state, this would take less than 6 months. That is in the extreme case. If your FH truly filed for his divorce, have you seen a copy of the paperwork? I'm not creating waves, my sister, but if the mother doesn't know about you and you've been together with him for a year and a half, what else is he keeping from you? The simplest divorce in your FH's case would have been an noncontested divorce, since they didn't accumulate anything toghether. Usually, pending on state precedence, this type of Divorce where both parties agree amicably usually take 3 to 5 months.

Sister, I'm changing your name from "AmIStupid" to "I'mBlessed". God blessed you. He's showing you clearly what you've stepped into. You and your FH need a heat-to-Heart and then you both need to hold each other's hands and get on your knees and pray. You love each other, please pray together.

My family and I will definitely keep you in our prayers.

Prayer changes things, but we have to be ready to move with the change. Whatever GOD tells you to do, that's what you should do, I am a witness to that. HE will turn your confusion into joy, peace and happiness. Those feelings you have in the pit of your stomach, those heart falling moments, those feelings that something just isn't right, it's GOD telling us in his special way that we need to pay extra attention to a particular situation.

I hope and pray that things work out for you.

I can only ditto what what the sistas have already said. I would continue to SAVE for the wedding but I probably wouldn't pay for any more expenses until things become final. I would also contact each of my vendors to see what their policies are regarding changing the date in case you find yourself down to the wire.

Ladies, this is where wedding insurance come in handy. It's very cheap (under $200) and covers such emergencies. But to echo the sentiments of my sisters, there's nothing wrong with tentatively planning without placing a copper penny on anything. Just more information that will go into your already bulging planning folder (LOL)

God will definitely see you through sister.

Honey, you are not stupid. Sometimes the men have us feeling this way when we love them so much. I would say follow your first mind. If you feel like the situation will work itself out, then pray about it and plan your wedding, but if you feel like he has too much going on and not enough answers, then move forward with life and let GOD lead the way. OF COURSE THIS IS MY OWN OPINION. Our Vibride sistas also have valid points. DO what you feel is best. Good luck

You guys are so awesome. Who said the Vibride sisterhood isn't the best therapy???

My advice is to STOP PLANNING THE WEDDING. I mean no more deposits. You can plan on paper and save the money. He is still married so you don't want the mistake of getting married before the divorce is final. I am concerned that there is a 3rd party involved with child while you were dating. Why didn't he marry her? Why isn't that resolved yet? Take a deep breath, stand by your man and wait for this to get sorted before anymore plans are made. Less embarrassing to postpone the wedding now than at the altar!

You should KNOW his mother before marrying him. Arrange some time together. If he won't allow it then you should definitely be concerned.

Stay faithful in the Lord sweetie. Send him to do battle for you sister, he will never let you down. Sometimes when the road is dark and we don't see which way that we could clearly identify as a step forward or back, that's when God waits for you to just whisper his name and he'll pull you through. Give him all the praise and all the glory and when you find that you're tired and you don't have anything else to say, shout "Halleluiah!!!". That's our father's distress call and he will reach and pull you out. Remember "Footprints in the sands". Believe that he is "The Great I Am" Nothing is impossible for him. You only have to ask.

You're not stupid....You have very valid concerns.

Knowing what you know....its time to ask yourself "what do I deserve?"

1) He's had a child outside his own marriage, and based on what you said, you met him after the child was concieved, and now that the baby is born, you are planning a wedding-which seems very fast to me.....how likely is he to do this to you once you become his wife?

2) How so you know that you are the ONE he will make HIS LAST? I understand forgiving the past, but you have to think about his intentions, his habits, and the type of man he is.....there is some integrity to consider here.

3) I know you don't know me, but I beleive in holding ourselves accountable....and you are playing a role in this situation also.....As a married woman, even if I was seperated, I would hope my STILL Husband would at least wait until we finalize everything before he committed to someone else....
Also, The delays have nothing to do with you....its Them...one or both of them are hesitating, and thats enough to put things down for now.....

4) Finally, understand this.....a wedding is ONE DAY, a FEW HOURS, then you have to live LIFE..what kind of life is he showing you to expect? What kind of person is he showing you that he is....the way he treats others is how he is most likely to treat you if you don't call him out on it.....Also, there are men out there who are MOI (men of integrity) and what I like to call MOG's (Men of God) who would be willing to give you everything you deserve.....they control their passions in order to serve God first...then their families and themselves, not the other way around....

So like the ladies said....WAIT! WAIT on a word from the Lord....(though I think you have one already....its that thing pulling on your conscience).....but decide how long you are willing to wait before you move on....I personally think you are in shark-infested waters, and you are in a dangerous situation......

I have never felt so strong about others situation as I do now as I type this....God Luck, and pray...

One more thing.....nothing that the Lord blesses should make you ashamed.....because you are ashamed, then I think you know what you should do........so ask God how to help you do it with your head held high.....and not down in shame.....you are talking about time in your life where you should be happy, not sad.....

I am glad at the attempts to keep you updated about the situation. Since you are to become his wife, you should know all the details....one you are married, all decisions about how money is spent on any legal matters (child support, possible payments for alimony or property, etc) should involve you......

My DH had always been one to internalize feelings, and its definitely important in the counseling sessions (I suggest one-on-one and group sessions with other married and engaged couples) that he be able to voice how he feels....I would ask him how he feels about being married so many times, ask him how he feels about having a child outside his marriage? Ask him how it feels to have been cheated on? How did it feel to cheat on his wife? I mean its direct, but you should be able to understand how he feels in these situations....you can get some better understanding about the person he is.....But that is definitely a time of sharing that you both should take advantage of...

HALLELUIAH!!! TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!!

We've been praying for you. God is definitely working it out for you. But like one of our Diva sisters have said, men are babies, we have to lead them with love and he trusts you and is beginning to open up to you. True it should've already happened, but who are we to put a deadline on that.

In my opinion, you should definitely postpone the wedding for next year. It will give you time for you and your FH to solidify your relationship with God, each other and your families.

MAKE A JOYFUL NOISE UNTO THE LORD!!!

Well said ladies -- this is truly an awesome sisterhood!!!!

Rhony, there's a snow storm brewing. Hope you and yours make it home before then. Also, there's another one Saturday/Sunday. Take care on the road.

Thank you my sister, I am well prepared for the snow. I have on my ugly snow boots -- and super bulky down coat. Now I know how little children feel when they are all bundled up -- LOL!!! I live in Jersey City and commute to New York (as does my daughter). I also attend church in New York, so I just may have to stay home this weekend and tune into the Word Network.

Thanks for your concern Ginoue that is very nice of you.

We're sisters in here and we all look out for each other and besides, it's already raining in Takoma Park, MD. How are things in your neck or the world Turiya, in Baltimore, MD?

To all of our sister drivers/commuters that will be affected by the storm ~ please be careful!!!

It was raining when I came in ..and the kids forgot their umbrellas and I prayed that it would stop before they got out of school ...they are walkers ..and IT DID ...so it's just dark :)

We had some freezing rain here in NY (where I work). It is a mess and very slippery outside. It feels like it is freezing also, but then again I'm always cold.

Me 222222222222! ...I got my heater on now under my desk! (don't tell them though ...cause they sd we not suppose to have them blah blah blah)

I won't tell, cause I got my heater on too!

^^^^^

(High Five) ...I know that's right! :)

Sorry but I dont feel like reading what everyone else put, so I am just going to tell you how I feel. LEAVE HIS A** ALONG!!!!!!!!!!

TOP FIVE REASON'S WHY I THINK YOU SHOULD PACK UP YOUR STUFF AND BE OUT:

1. He is still married!!!!!!!!!!!
2. You will be his 4th wife if he ever gets divorced from his 3rd wife.
3. He has four children.(Putting up with four baby mama's is no fun)
4. The last child id still a newborn.( Now I know that when my Fi and I wasn't togethor we still did the do when he so called came to see the baby)
5. YOU HAVE NEVER MET HIS FAMILY AND THEY DONT EVEN LIVE OUT OF THE COUNTRY. ( Why would you plan a wedding and you havent even met his family, you dont think that's strange}

Now I dont want to offend you or make your feel some kind of way, however I consider you my sister and I would rather tell you the truth then to sugar coat the situation and you get hurt. You have all of the warning signals so please take hed. And if you feel like he is the man for you, why rush the wedding. He should first handle his divorce, he needs to go down to child support and arrange visitation nd a reasonable child support method, and you should get to know his family and friends. Remember sugar this man has been married to four diffrent woman, but the all divorced the same man. Please be very cautious and think with your head and not your heart.

[quote="housewife147"]Sorry but I dont feel like reading what everyone else put, so I am just going to tell you how I feel. LEAVE HIS A** ALONG!!!!!!!!!!

TOP FIVE REASON'S WHY I THINK YOU SHOULD PACK UP YOUR STUFF AND BE OUT:

1. He is still married!!!!!!!!!!!
2. You will be his 4th wife if he ever gets divorced from his 3rd wife.
3. He has four children.(Putting up with four baby mama's is no fun)
4. The last child id still a newborn.( Now I know that when my Fi and I wasn't togethor we still did the do when he so called came to see the baby)
5. YOU HAVE NEVER MET HIS FAMILY AND THEY DONT EVEN LIVE OUT OF THE COUNTRY. ( Why would you plan a wedding and you havent even met his family, you dont think that's strange}

Now I dont want to offend you or make your feel some kind of way, however I consider you my sister and I would rather tell you the truth then to sugar coat the situation and you get hurt. You have all of the warning signals so please take hed. And if you feel like he is the man for you, why rush the wedding. He should first handle his divorce, he needs to go down to child support and arrange visitation nd a reasonable child support method, and you should get to know his family and friends. Remember sugar this man has been married to four diffrent woman, but the all divorced the same man. Please be very cautious and think with your head and not your heart.
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Amen honey.....Take your time getting down the alter....it ain't going nowhere!

We have your back. Please remain prayerful.

AmIStupid, Congrats on trying to get the answers you need. Therapy will really help you sort out where you are and it witll give you a map to where you want to go in your relationship. I still maintain however that you slow it alldown to a crawl and postpone it. No one needs to lknow the real reason for the postponement.

Well Put Housey.

Wow! This topic is deep. I pray that you will ask God to show you how to handle this situation. All of the Ladies have made some valid points. Be Blessed, my sista!

Ladies, i am so glad to see this is a true sisterhood. AmIStupid hang in there and you are not stupid! We all knoe love makes us weak and we often have to go through it to get to where we need to be. Just as the other sisters have said take your time .. God willing you will make it to the alter. just remember god has given us everything we need to make it in this life we just have to seek the answers within ourselves... Ok, I don't want to sound like a psychiatrist or my grandmother for that matter but.. My grandmother always told me "people will always show you who they really are if you just pay attention". Now, everyone deserves second, third, even fourth chances.. just be careful, pray, and look to God when things seem unmanageable..

Oh and remember .. we are here for you through thick and thin (literally).. engagement through marriage and break up to make up!

Hang in there,
MzPrice2B

My grandmother always told me "people will always show you who they really are if you just pay attention".

That island saying is the truest I have veer heard. I LIVE by it. Not always whats said, it's what's done too that should be noticed. Has there been enough time in between ex-wife and pregnant girlfriend and then you? You marry the family too and not just the man. You need to meeet all of them in a formal setting.

Finally, just 'cause he asked you to marry him doesn't mean you have to.

[quote="Ginoue"]I agree with Rhony ~ you're not stupid. You're right on point because God is trying to show you things. He's showing you exactly who you're dealing with. Now, I'm not saying that Your FH don't love you because he's been married 3 times before, but sister I'm telling you to pray. This is the man you're in love with. Pray as if your very exhistance depends on it. Then sit down calmly and have a heart-to-heart with your FH about all of your concerns.

What concerns me in your case is your FH's pending divorce. The only way that it would take so long is if she refuses to sign the papers. In which case, pending on the statutes of your state, ask him to do a published divorce instead because they have nothing together. If he publishes the divorce ~ which means that if he publishes it all the newspapers in the town that she lives in. The court will give her a deadline to respond. If she doesn't, he is then granted a divorce by default. Pending on the state, this would take less than 6 months. That is in the extreme case. If your FH truly filed for his divorce, have you seen a copy of the paperwork? I'm not creating waves, my sister, but if the mother doesn't know about you and you've been together with him for a year and a half, what else is he keeping from you? The simplest divorce in your FH's case would have been an noncontested divorce, since they didn't accumulate anything toghether. Usually, pending on state precedence, this type of Divorce where both parties agree amicably usually take 3 to 5 months.

Sister, I'm changing your name from "AmIStupid" to "I'mBlessed". God blessed you. He's showing you clearly what you've stepped into. You and your FH need a heat-to-Heart and then you both need to hold each other's hands and get on your knees and pray. You love each other, please pray together.

My family and I will definitely keep you in our prayers.
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I totally agree with you on this one.
Stupid.....No youre not and were not even going to use that word again!! (sounding like your mom)

I also agree about being concerned about this pending divorce. My FI and I both have been married before. My divorce was done within 60 days as it was not contested. My FI ....his took about 3 months because his ex wanted to contest. We found that because there was no property between them and no kids between them ...her contestin could not hold it up as she thought that it could. I would definitly keep my eyes open to what he is showing and telling you and also to what God is putting before you. Always listen to that inner voice
Its usually God laying information before you.

Be strong and all will be ok.