After reading some past posts as well as recent posts about newly engaged couples and newlyweds regarding dealing with each other's families, I had a few thoughts to share, and thought this would be a good discussion topic.
I believe that the engagement/wedding planning period is a perfect opportunity to frame what your marriage is going to be like. You have a wedding rehearsal before a wedding. I think the engagement period is a marriage rehearsal.
It tests you and your future husband on many levels such as...
1. How well the both of you can handle a budget and finances.
2. How well the both of you can plan and execute a major life project together.
3. How well the both of you can problem-solve.
4. How well the both of you get along with each other.
5. How well the both of you get along with each other's families.
These are the challenges that an engaged couple faces. Some don't make it out of the engagement/planning stage. I think a couple should take heed to any warning signs and solve the problems at this stage before getting married. If the issues can't be solved, reconsider getting married.
I think this is the perfect time to set boundaries with each other's families that haven't been set before, whether or not parents are paying for the wedding. This is your life, and you only get to live it once.
A loving family should offer their support to the couple. However, if they dictate the details of their wedding, how will they know to stop there? Won't they feel that they can also dictate the details of their marriage?
What are your thoughts?
After reading some past posts as well as recent posts about newly engaged couples and newlyweds regarding dealing with each other's families, I had a few thoughts to share, and thought this would be a good discussion topic.
I believe that the engagement/wedding planning period is a perfect opportunity to frame what your marriage is going to be like. You have a wedding rehearsal before a wedding. I think the engagement period is a marriage rehearsal.
It tests you and your future husband on many levels such as...
1. How well the both of you can handle a budget and finances.
2. How well the both of you can plan and execute a major life project together.
3. How well the both of you can problem-solve.
4. How well the both of you get along with each other.
5. How well the both of you get along with each other's families.
These are the challenges that an engaged couple faces. Some don't make it out of the engagement/planning stage. I think a couple should take heed to any warning signs and solve the problems at this stage before getting married. If the issues can't be solved, reconsider getting married.
I think this is the perfect time to set boundaries with each other's families that haven't been set before, whether or not parents are paying for the wedding. This is your life, and you only get to live it once.
A loving family should offer their support to the couple. However, if they dictate the details of their wedding, how will they know to stop there? Won't they feel that they can also dictate the details of their marriage?
What are your thoughts?
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I certainly agree with you. Especially now that most couples are older when they marry and are paying for at least part of the wedding themselves. I worry sometimes that my man worries TOO much what his family thinks.
He doesnt want them to know that I am giving the baby my last name. Who cares! We are grown. LOL
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We are paying for the wedding entirely on our own so we kindly thwart any "suggestions" that we should or should not do something with a "We'll make a decision on it later, we'll decide after we look at everything"
As far as who comes 1st after marriage, we had a discussion on the bible and I found articles on who to honor in marriage. The basic principle is that next to God, your spouse is next important person , then your children, then immediate family, etc. After reading this FH understood that we honor our parents & love our kids, but the husband and wife must come 1st in a marriage. I hear too many couples saying "my kids come before my husband or my mother will always be 1st in my life.
These three remain; faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love. Cor
[color=#993300]Well, I'd like to join this as well, if I may. FH and I are paying for our wedding and in our culture, there are some things that the Matron Of Honor and Best Man (which is called the couple's Godmother and Godfather and serve as your first counselor when you have an issue within your marriage), are expected to pay for.[/color]
[color=#993300]Going into the first phone call (as all of us do not live in the same state), I told them although we know the custom, however, FH and I are more than capable to finance every aspect of our wedding ourselves. We told them that we will honor our traditions and allow them their duties, but this is in know way shape or form to dictate to us what we should or should not do while planning our wedding.[/color]
[color=#993300]FH and I are so very blessed to have family members that are not "all into your business" if you will. They respect us and our decisions and even if they should hear that we have a disagreement, they don't get involved. I think it's in the way you start things. If you allow an inch, they will take a mile. So please remember that while it's so much fun to plan your wedding, but it's even better to solidify your marriage. Your husband will always and should always be "Priority Number 1" in your life. None is more important.[/color]
We are paying for the entire wedding so I dont espect any interference as my mother is deceased and I dont have a father. I think his parents will be content to just show up and enjoy themselves. LOL
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My dilemmas
#1 - I can REALLY use a full-on wedding planner right now, but I'm not willing to blow a lot of money on one.
#2 - With both of us having huge families, both of us along with our budget refuse to go over 125 people. I am prepared for a few people to be ticked off. I already had to tell my grandmother that we have no room for her friends. She understood, but I can tell that she was hurt. Just like she told my mother as she raised her....tough breaks.
#3 With that said, I had to kick out a few family members in order to include my mother's friends after she had played the "I'm your mother" card.
It's funny how nobody understands the cost of having a wedding until they plan one of their own. It's truly frustrating and its taking the fun out of planning this crap.
How do you make spaces between the paragraphs? That looks awful.
I feel for you Butterbean. Mother's especially seem to always want to invite all their friends. However, when they got married, weddings certainly weren't as expensive as they are today. I know for my parents' wedding, my grandmother and her friends cooked all the food, so the guest list could be quite a bit longer. I know that I personally didn't want my mother cooking for our wedding. I wanted her just to relax for once in her life since she's always cooking. When you have to hire caterers along with additional expenses, you have to make tough decisions. People initially feel hurt, but I think them not having a few of their friends there is something they'll get over. Since it's your wedding, having your own friends there is probably more important to you. Moreover, the wedding is just one day, and you have to eat and live for years after that. So you have to do what fits your budget.
Regarding your wedding planner situation, I know it's a long shot, but if you need one that badly, have you tried applying for one of those TV shows?...or how about trying to get an event planning student who needs the experience more than they need the money. Try not to let frustrations steal the joy from this special time in your life.
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