My new husband has a 9 year old daughter with his ex wife. He has custody of her and she has always lived with him (5 years now). He is also raising his 16 year old stepson who has been living with him. He is his ex wife's son from HER previous marriage. I have 2 daughters 12 and 21. My 21 year old however lives in another state and attens college full time and works. She is only home for holiday's and semester breaks. My husband has his ex's son because the biological father is not involved and the mother does not want to raise any of her children. She has "her own life" and will occasionally take them for a few hours on a Saturday or sometimes over night. The problem is the son is very anti-social and rude. He does not speak to me unless I speak to him first. My family (parents and siblings) have Soul Food Sunday, a family tradition and my family has invited his children into our home with open arms. His daughter fits in great. My nieces are her age and they do very well together. However, the step son will sit in another room and not speak to any one. He will sit and the dinner table and eat everything in sight and never say please, thank you or engage in any conversation. At home he stays in his room with the door closed and only comes out to eat and go to the bathroom. This summer I suggested he get a part time job so he would not be in the house all day bored. He refused. The only interest he has is football. He eats sleeps and drinks football. He is not motivated in school and does enough to get by. He does okay in football but he is not the best. He has this idea he is going to the NFL and will probably get a football scholarship to college. His laziness drives me crazy. He will do things wrong over and over in hopes that we will give up and do it ourselves. My husband is inconsistent is dealing with him. He will talk with him and fuss with him but then it's done, no follow up. His mother is useless as I said she has her own life. The mother pays no child support for either child and helps with nothing. She does not buy gifts for birthday and little to nothing for Christmas. I sometimes feel he should not be with us because he is not my husband's responsibility but he has assumed the responsibility. I want my husband to hold her more accountable financially for the kids but he wants the kids to realize as they get older that there mother has done nothing for them and he has done it all. I love his daughter and connected very well with her but his step-son is very frustrated because of all the things he does and how he acts. I just need advice as to whether I am wrong and how to make this work. I love my husband and want this to work.
My new husband has a 9 year old daughter with his ex wife. He has custody of her and she has always lived with him (5 years now). He is also raising his 16 year old stepson who has been living with him. He is his ex wife's son from HER previous marriage. I have 2 daughters 12 and 21. My 21 year old however lives in another state and attens college full time and works. She is only home for holiday's and semester breaks. My husband has his ex's son because the biological father is not involved and the mother does not want to raise any of her children. She has "her own life" and will occasionally take them for a few hours on a Saturday or sometimes over night. The problem is the son is very anti-social and rude. He does not speak to me unless I speak to him first. My family (parents and siblings) have Soul Food Sunday, a family tradition and my family has invited his children into our home with open arms. His daughter fits in great. My nieces are her age and they do very well together. However, the step son will sit in another room and not speak to any one. He will sit and the dinner table and eat everything in sight and never say please, thank you or engage in any conversation. At home he stays in his room with the door closed and only comes out to eat and go to the bathroom. This summer I suggested he get a part time job so he would not be in the house all day bored. He refused. The only interest he has is football. He eats sleeps and drinks football. He is not motivated in school and does enough to get by. He does okay in football but he is not the best. He has this idea he is going to the NFL and will probably get a football scholarship to college. His laziness drives me crazy. He will do things wrong over and over in hopes that we will give up and do it ourselves. My husband is inconsistent is dealing with him. He will talk with him and fuss with him but then it's done, no follow up. His mother is useless as I said she has her own life. The mother pays no child support for either child and helps with nothing. She does not buy gifts for birthday and little to nothing for Christmas. I sometimes feel he should not be with us because he is not my husband's responsibility but he has assumed the responsibility. I want my husband to hold her more accountable financially for the kids but he wants the kids to realize as they get older that there mother has done nothing for them and he has done it all. I love his daughter and connected very well with her but his step-son is very frustrated because of all the things he does and how he acts. I just need advice as to whether I am wrong and how to make this work. I love my husband and want this to work.
Hello DDavis and welcome to the boards. I must say I want to commend your husband for being the man that he is and raising his biological daughter and his step-son as well. I don't too many men that would step up and raise a son from a previous relationship that isn't his (biologically). Secondly I would like to commend you both for providing a home for this child. Lastly I'd like to say that I feel sorry for this child because his biological parents have shown him that they don't want him. This kind of treatment of a child will cause all kinds of "acting out". Although his biological mother spends some time with her children, she has given him a very painful messege "You're not important -- I have my own life". What kind of nonsense is that. When you have a child that is a life-time bond! Shame on her and his natural father too! You say that he is rude, anti-social and lazy, but how would any child act if they have been put into that kind of a situation? His behavior probably has everything to do with his anger about how his biological parents have treated him. I would like to suggest that you all get some type of family counseling to help this young man cope with his emotions. It can work DDavis and the fact that you love your husband and want it to work the next step is to follow through and get this young man the help that he needs. I wish you all the best! Keep us posted.
Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37
as a child who was an isolationist when I was about his age, I would try to talk to this child. One on one, try to find out what he likes to do and maybe make a point to do it. He is probably feeling abandoned and rejected. Please don't give up on him though, it would be the worst thing anyone could do to him. I know it may be frustrating and at times you may want to slap the hell out of him, but it is his method of defense. He is probably too afraid to let anyone else in for fear that they will treat him as his parents have. If you fail in getting the information the first time, try again. Since he is this mans spiritual son, he is now also your son. Congratulations on getting a real man! Good luck with the boy.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way. ~ Pablo Neruda
Show him he is important and that you want him as part of your family. Make him feel that you want to be a part of his life no matter what. Imagine seeing other children with there natural mothers and your mother only want to be around for a short period of time....
Living my life like it's GOLDEN!!
Very good advice Ladies! I really agree with the Ladies. Davis please don't give up on him like the most important people in his life has. Your husband is to be commended for his willingness to step up to the plate and father a child that's not his. I think he(son) needs to feel and know that he's loved and that you both will be there for him. At this point he doesn't want to let his guard down and then you and your husband decide that you don't want him either. I think he will need a lot of counseling and prayer. I wish you and your family he best.
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I ALSO AGREE WITH THE LADIES AND YOUR HUSBAND SHLD BE COMMENDED, HOWEVER, YOU NEED TO ALSO LIGHT A FIRE UNDER HIM. HE IS THE ONLY MALE INFLUENCE AND CONSTANT IN THIS CHILD'S LIFE. HE HAS BEEN SENT THE MESSAGE BY HIS TRIFLING PARENTS THAT HE IS NT WORTH MUCH, THAT IS PROBABLY WHY HE IS ANTI-SOCIAL. WITHOUT NAGGING AND MAYBE NAGGING A LITTLE, YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS TO STEP UP MORE AND TAKE A MORE ACTIVE STRONG APPROACH WITH THIS YOUNG MAN. IF NOT, BE PREPARED TO TAKE CARE OF HIM FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. WHAT IS HE GOING TO DO IF HIS FOOTBALL CAREER FALLS THROUGH, NOT TO MENTION THE EXAMPLE IT SETS FOR YOUR DAUGHTER. HE DOES NT HAVE TO WORK, WHAT IS THAT?? MOM IS A DEADBEAT SO HE HAS TO LEARN TO DEPEND AND TAKE CARE OF HIM SELF.GOD GIVES US CHILDREN WITH A JOB TO DO, WHETHER OR NOT THEY ARE OURS BIOLOGICALLY. THAT JOB IS TO SHOW THEM THE PROPER WAY AND TEACH THEM THINGS INCLUDING MANNERS!!! I UNDERSTAND BCUZ I AM ALSO IN THIS SITUATION EXCEPT THE BOYS ARE HIS BIOLOGICAL SONS. I GIVE LOVE AND AFFECTION THE WAY A MOM SHOULD AS WELL AS A KICK IN THE BUTT. RIGHT NOW OUR OLDEST SON IS A FRESHMAN IN COLLEGE AND BLESSED ME WITH A MOTHER'S DAY CARD THAT THANKED ME FOR GIVING WHAT HIS BIRTH MOTHER DID NOT. THE REWARDS ARE GREAT BUT PLEASE DO NT HESITATE TO PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN THE SAME WAY YOU WOULD IF IT WERE YOUR BIOLOGICAL CHILD. THAT IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT!!!
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GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME; ALL THE TIME GOD IS GOOD. WHEN IN DOUBT, PRAY
DDavis, I'd also like to add, that focus on the positive attributes that this young man has to offer. Perhaps you and your husband should take him out (just the three of you) and talk to him. See what is on this young man's mind. Hopeffully he hasn't been arrested, isn't on drugs, doesn't have any babies and you said he is still going to school. Again I'd like to commend you and your hubby for being there for this young man -- God knows where he would be without you!
Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37
DDavis I hope all the info here will help with you new family.
Living my life like it's GOLDEN!!
I think your future son-in-law does things like that for attention. I think he is acting out because his mother and biological father is not a constant figure in his life. He may feel like you are taking away the only parent that he has. Maybe it will help if you and your fh son do something togethor like maybe going out to a football game, or amusement park, etc.... Do something that you think he would enjoy and start building a relationship with him. Let him know that he is not losing the only father figure he knows, but is gaining a mother.
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Welcome to the board,to the point .I agree with the other ladies but at the same time he needs to respect you as an adult! It wouldnt be no not talking to me in my house, check that in first!Its your house he would have to respect that or get out.And you husband should put his foot down as well,and let him know you respect your elders regardless of whom it his.BUT PRAYER DO CHANGE THING.
"WHAT GOD HAS FOR ME,It is for me!
June 20,2009 Ill marry my soulmate!
Keep praying for strength for yourself, and for your family, AND for this young man. I agree...this child probably feels abandoned and he is at an age where teenagers rebel and isolate themselves, so sometimes its an "rebel against adults" thing, and may not have a whole lot to do with you or your family....Kids at that age rebel. However, this is the time when parents have to pray even harder because this is also the age when the devil really preys on children. If he feels like he is not wanted in your house, someone, or someTHING out in the street will make him feel welcome there.....I know that for yourself, you feel it will be easier to give him back to his mom (I hope you have not said this in front of him), but she has made it clear that he is your responsibility now....You definitely need to talk to your husband because he is the key to helping raise this young man into a MAN. I'm sorry to be blunt but you are going to either step up, and raise and treat this child as your own totally, and with no thought as to whether he should go back to his parents because to me, its not really a valid option or a healthy option for him....or, give him up for adoption or foster care because he is not your biological choice, and maybe he can get some parents that is willing to take some time with him....Personally I think you should love this child as your own, and meet the challenge God has given you-and then praise God that you have been honored with this task....God doesn't challenge anyone He doesn't trust! You will be in my prayers...
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