friends and marriage

For me, my mother and my sister are closest to me and has been an issue. Being that my brother, sister and I was going to the same church, they understood my upcoming role. Do believe she does make mention of how I don't "have time for her anymore". Plus my brother is getting married this year so its a double whammy for our mom and our sister cause all 4 of us are close.

I think that you definitely want to remind her of your upcoming role, but i think you can still talk to her on that level. i think that you definitely want to go to God before you go to her about any problems that you and your FH may have because for one she WILL take your side, and that can cause trouble in the future. But make sure that you continue to check on her from time to time. She how she and her family is doing, and plan to spend and afternoon here and there with her. This is what I do with my sister as best I can. And when we are out, I talk about them, I don;t go on and on about my husband, unless they ask. And usually they will, so tell a funny story, and have a laugh.....
As far as dealing with single friends, they will be spending much time congratulating you after the wedding, so no worries about that initially. Its okay if you all don't hang out as much because hey, the single life is different from the married life. So like your best friend, plan get togethers, and if there is an opportunity to do something like a church picnic, or conference, or maybe one of your circle of friends has a shower coming up, make sure you are there! People WILL understand if you are not! I think some people tend to make things into a married vs single person issue, and it shouldn't be that way. Finally, REAL friends don't give you a hard time about it. If they make mention of it, like my sister tends to do once in a while, then you know its time to have an afternoon or dinner time out with them.

I havent really experienced anything either, however my maid of honor is getting more and more busy. lol before she didnt have a social life now all of a sudden she is the busiest person in the universe.

I hear you mylles, my friends are all single and older than me. Our favorite pasttime used to be man-hating so it took a while for them to adjust to the In-Love Musik when they were used to the Don't-Need-A-Man Musik. But we did it and the relationships have grown. My situation is a little different because i could be moving to another hemisphere after the wedding so even my family (who love FH) have bittersweet feelings. Honestly, i think its just growing pains. People can build a family around you but they shouldn't be building their lives around you.

None of my friends are married or even close to getting married. It is too sad b/c we are 24 and up. I have decided that I am going to bluid a full happy, life for myself and if I never get married so what. Next month, I am going to start the homebuying process and I am starting grad school in the fall. Next year I am going to Paris, single or not! Life goes on.

I mean I am not going to let that determine how I live my life. It is just sad that so many women are alone. I just like to do me. I am not talking to my man now b/c he will not buy me another ring. lI had one but now I want another one and he said that we need to be saving for other stuff so I think he is still not serious. Anyway, I am on a mission!

Some of my friends are divorced so they're in that "anti-marriage" mode. mllyles, I have been treated bad in the past and those friends know that. Sometimes, I wonder whether they have the "anti-marriage" talk because they're trying to 'stop a friend from making the same mistake' (this will be my 2nd marriage) or are they drunk from haterade. Either way, the ultimate decision is mine, I can only continue to pray that God will continue to guide me in the right direction. And that he'll fortify my mind with strength whenI show weakness.

We can thank our friends for their support. For those that are showing signs of hate, we can pray that they can learn to find that true happiness that we Vibride sisters share on the forum.

Yes Mllyles79 I have gone through that. Most of my friends are single or divorced. And none of the single friends have a significant other at this time. One of my friends that I have that has been married for 12+ years showed her behind when I told her I was getting married. She gossiped behind my back and told everyone that I was making a big mistake -- now mind you she has never met my husband or doesn't know anything about him. The other friend that is married has been acting weird towards me too. When ever I call her she has nothing to say, so I don't call her anymore. When I see her in church and try to talk to her she acts like she doesn't want to speak to me. This particular friend wasn't invited to my wedding, not for any particular reason, but I didn't invite anyone from my church (long story). If she is angry about that then she should be an adult and say something. In the past she has given functions at her home and didn't invite me, but I feel it's her choice therefore, I don't harbor any ill feelings toward her.

My single friends don't call me anymore. I call them all the time, but they say they feel "funny" calling my house. I don't understand that. So I tell them ok call me on my cell. They still don't call so I am wondering what that is all about.

I am married yes, and my husband and family are #1. I do miss my friends and I wish they could understand that we can maintain our friendship.

Some of my female friends are mad b/c my man has a job! But i tell them that they are the ones who ignore the nice hard working brother cuz he has a toyota in favor of a loser who lives at home and drives an altima. I just would like to meet a nice hard working guy. But, if I never do I will still be happy.

It's a shame. I wonder do men go through this drama?

Probably not

i have met some who claim they cannot find a nice woman but when you ask what they are looking for they have a very long list of superficial qualities. I just do not know. My mom was a single mother so I never really planned on having a man around. I guess that is why my man says he feels unneeded. Oh well :)

Funny how you know someone for so long, then when you start to receive blessings they seem to turn their back on you?!? Men DO go through things like that too.
FH had a 'friend' who loved to get with a 'friend' of mine and dog us both out. He just knew that my ol' dog of a man would soon get tired of me and drop me when he got bored.
FH had matured, yet- his friend never had. Eventually that friend of his was the one who got dropped when he wasn't able to respect our relationship.
Family does shift to number one importance, and all that other mess that you 'were'(the street, clubs, Promiscuity, etc.) just isn't you, or even important anymore.

Just when I start to think that I'm the only one going through this, I find out some of my Vibride sistas go through it too. Rhony, I think men go through the same things, they just handle it different.

I can relate to your friends. It is not that we are jealous or anything like that. I think we just feel it is disrespectful too call you and ask you to go to the clubs and hang out all sorts hours in the night. You are a married woman now and the things you did when you were single we understand you can't do them or you shouldn't do them anymore. Besides why would we even want to put you in a situation as to where your marriage maybe in question.I think I explained that correctly. I still call my friends that are married I just don't call like before you moved on to a new chapter in life. Also sometimes seeing you happy and so forth sort of makes us second guess ourselves, like what is it that we are doing that we haven't kissed enough toads/frogs to find our prince yet. You feel me.......

Mllyes79 I want my house to be one that everyone can come and feel comfortable at too! I love to entertain. However, my sister is the only one that has come to my house (I believe it was only to pick up my nephew who spent the weekend with us). My hubby's friends have come by with no problem.

Plat you are probably right, men do handle things way different from us.

Well said MsBoston, I agree with you -- I have been friends with these ladies since junior high school -- I just don't understand.

Shea I appreciate your insight. Thanks.

[quote="DaughterRhonda"]It's a shame. I wonder do men go through this drama?
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Men do not think so. We FH and his friend have made a pack that no woman or man will destroy thier friendship. If they do not like the friends girl they still accept her, but they tell each other whether or not she is right for him.

When his friends met me it was a week after he had broken up with his highschool seewtheart after years of them trying to work out. His best friend said to me, he has never seen him so happy.

When I found out my FH had been unfaithful, we seperated but to save face I still attended events with the friends they could tell something wasn't right. His best friend asked me what was up. I looked at him and siad nothing he later told me when he looked in my eyes he could see the pain. I remember seeing him grab my FH by the arm and drag him outside.

They were gone for a longtime. When they came back his best friend came up to me and hugged me, I never had to tell anyone what he did to our family.

Just recently I learned from one of his friends wife that they had a pow wow with him and told him to get his stuff together. That was the night he came over and we had a long talk. He is athiest and he actually prayed with he. He prayed I cried out to the Lord! You hear me he prayed. It took sometime and when he proposed it was surprise I was still getting used to him being a good boyfriend.

I don't talk to my single girlfriends that much either or the friends that have no children (or can't. I guess that is when you learn who your friends are. One of my ex girlfriends said she doesn't fee comfortable hanging out with a married friend. I asked her if it's bcuz she is always the other woman, she has never had her "own" man. She hasn't called me since.

I know that's right, MzTasia! You put sista girl in her place!!!

Ladies, as much as it may hurt you, if someone stops being your "friend" once you got a new man or once you get married, they WEREN'T YOUR TRUE FRIEND TO BEGIN WITH. A true friend doesn't hate on someone once the other has found happiness. Why would I want to see my friend miserable or unhappy???? For me, that's a question I would never be able to answer since I want my friends to be happy. I can honestly count on one hand my TRUE friends.

Let them haters go ladies! Don't try to rack your brain with why. It's definately their loss, NOT YOURS!

I try to surround myself with positive things graduations, weddings, housewarmings, etc. It is all to easy to be consumed with bitterness and envy. I am working on being positive and I want to draw positive friends. Some women are jealous. But I try not to let it drag me down.

MzTajsia your story touched my heart to the core. Thank you for sharing your story and giving an example of what true friendship is.

Askalot I can always count on you to keep it real. I guess sometimes it's just hard to let go. -- But a sistah's eyes have been opened. Thank you!

[quote="DaughterRhonda"]MzTajsia your story touched my heart to the core. Thank you for sharing your story and giving an example of what true friendship is.

Askalot I can always count on you to keep it real. I guess sometimes it's just hard to let go. -- But a sistah's eyes have been opened. Thank you!
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Awww sweet pea! You are certainly welcome! :-)

I don't talk to my single girlfriends that much either or the friends that have no children (or can't. I guess that is when you learn who your friends are. One of my ex girlfriends said she doesn't fee comfortable hanging out with a married friend. I asked her if it's bcuz she is always the other woman, she has never had her "own" man. She hasn't called me since.
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My question to you is before you became the married woman. Did you confront her about being the "Other Woman " then? See this is what I am saying, rather you are doing or saying stuff unintentional( spelling) you make those single friends unwanted to a certain point. There are conversations you have that we can't really relate to becuase we don't have kids or husband and even if we do try to give advice the first thing you all gone say "You ain't married, don't have no kids so who are you to try and tell me what is right from wrong". I am not saying that if I am your true friend I wouldn't be jealous,( You (SF) start to second guess yourself) but a true friend works both ways. Just like before you got married we could talk. I could call you and man bash and you would listen. Now your are married I am man bashing now I am hating. See what I am talking about you still have to be there as friend for me as well. It is not that I am hating I just haven't arrived to that point in my life where the lord has sent me my knight in shining armor. He(God) is still taking me through just like you all may have or not had go through until you found the "He kept for you" ! I am just stating how I have felt being the friend that is not married and has no kids. Just think back to how you really and truly felt when one of your girlfriends before you got married, are you all as close as you were before she got married.Ask yourself why if you aren't. We sometimes forget we have been in the same place these friends that we are calling haters are at one point and time in our lives.

[quote="SeptBride"]

Awww sweet pea! You are certainly welcome! :-)
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Every woman needs that girlfriend in their life to tell them the truth. I appreciate you for that. Thanks.

I can see your point about the children part. That can be hard because people sometimes make you feel as if you have less value if you are childless. It may be very hard or a woman who cannot concieve b/c infertity is hurtful. People always say "Well that is b/c you do not have kids" or "It is just you." We childless singles are people too. Mothers can sometimes act holier than thou b/c they forgot their pill one month.

[quote="mycenae1918"]Mothers can sometimes act holier than thou b/c they forgot their pill one month.
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Lord, please help me.

You know, sometimes, it's not what you say but how you say it. And other times, you have to make sure you say what you mean. Please tell me that you're speaking of "some" mothers that you have come into contact with and not ALL mothers! Because what you said is mothers as a whole. I will then comment after your response.

[quote="DaughterRhonda"]

Awww sweet pea! You are certainly welcome! :-)

Every woman needs that girlfriend in their life to tell them the truth. I appreciate you for that. Thanks.
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Girl, don't make me cry!

[quote="SeptBride"]Mothers can sometimes act holier than thou b/c they forgot their pill one month.

Lord, please help me.

You know, sometimes, it's not what you say but how you say it. And other times, you have to make sure you say what you mean. Please tell me that you're speaking of "some" mothers that you have come into contact with and not ALL mothers! Because what you said is mothers as a whole. I will then comment after your response.
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I had not meant for it to be inflammatory :). I didn't mean all mothers but I have encountered women with children who act as if there life is more meaningful than a childless woman's or relatives who are always asking when I or another young woman is going to have a baby. I think that I want to adopt an older child an love her rather than get pregnant. I just feel that childless women deserve respect. Being a mother is a very important role but becoming one after a night out does not make you better or more compassionate than me b/c I got my ECP prescription filled. I am just stating how I feel and if someone is offended than I will just leave this subject alone. Talk to you guys soon. M

Okay, I understand what you mean. No, I don't think women with children should down other women that don't have children. AT the same time, there are some women that got pregnant because they missed a BC pill that are better mothers than ones that actually planned their pregnancy. In the end, giving birth doesn't make someone a good mother, the act of being a loving and supportive woman is what makes a good mother.

Good luck on adopting! There are indeed a lot of children that needs love.

Wish you best of luck in adopting. Let us know how it turns out.

Thanks but I need to grow up before I can raise somebody! But my heart aches fo badly for all these beautiful black girls in foster homes and I want to get one and love her. There is nothing like having a family. So in about 10-15 years I will adopt a preteen.

The whole situation with the friends boils down to the pain they may have at not being able to find a committed relationship. Daily we are bombarded with the low black marriage rates and some of them just may feel hopeless. It may be hard for friends to see you have something they may never have. It is hard to cope with the reality that you may be single for your entire life. They may not want to constantly hear about how you have to go home to cook for your hubby or feed the kids when they go home to an empty house. I would consider that before I write them off as complete haters.

I understand that point to many women write off the nice ones and chase the losers. They say black men are the rarest in Cali for a sista so if u snagged one there you can snag one anywhere. U go girl!

[quote="mycenae1918"]Thanks but I need to grow up before I can raise somebody!
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I'm glad that you've actually put some thought into it before hand. Some people grow up after the fact. That's good that you're mature enough to realize it. Good luck with adopting.

[quote="sheawiil"]
I don't talk to my single girlfriends that much either or the friends that have no children (or can't. I guess that is when you learn who your friends are. One of my ex girlfriends said she doesn't fee comfortable hanging out with a married friend. I asked her if it's bcuz she is always the other woman, she has never had her "own" man. She hasn't called me since.

My question to you is before you became the married woman. Did you confront her about being the "Other Woman " then?
----- I have alwyz been straihgt up with my girls. What goes around comes around and that is the truth.

There are conversations you have that we can't really relate to becuase we don't have kids or husband and even if we do try to give advice the first thing you all gone say "You ain't married, don't have no kids so who are you to try and tell me what is right from wrong".
---- never in a million years would i put it like that to them//her. that is just wrong and show I devalue our friendship.

Just like before you got married we could talk. I could call you and man bash and you would listen. Now your are married I am man bashing now I am hating. See what I am talking about you still have to be there as friend for me as well.
---- the truth of the matter is that when you are married you can not go bashing your husband to your friends, This isn't just some man this is the man that you want to spend the rest of your life with. "see the celebrity marriage article here ref: Will & Jada" You and your husbands should be dicussed between you and him // your pastor// or a counselor. You telling your friends and him telling his let's the wrong type of people in the relationship. Experience is a great teacher.

It is not that I am hating I just haven't arrived to that point in my life where the lord has sent me my knight in shining armor. He(God) is still taking me through just like you all may have or not had go through until you found the "He kept for you" ! I am just stating how I have felt being the friend that is not married and has no kids. Just think back to how you really and truly felt when one of your girlfriends before you got married, are you all as close as you were before she got married.Ask yourself why if you aren't. We sometimes forget we have been in the same place these friends that we are calling haters are at one point and time in our lives.
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I can't full agree with that.. I don't beleive that you should envy anyones life, wonder why not you, when God is it my turn? How come I can't. Bcuz to that you need to know EVERYTHING that person has been thru, walk everyday of thier life in thier shoes, to get to the point they are at. You may think her burden is light but it is not.

That is the point I am trying to make you are right. We don't know what you have done to get to where you are at . Like I stated before. We all know what is right from wrong and for anybody to say that they haven't once asked the questioned why not me ....well I find that really hard to believe.

[quote="SeptBride"]I know that's right, MzTasia! You put sista girl in her place!!!

Ladies, as much as it may hurt you, if someone stops being your "friend" once you got a new man or once you get married, they WEREN'T YOUR TRUE FRIEND TO BEGIN WITH. A true friend doesn't hate on someone once the other has found happiness. Why would I want to see my friend miserable or unhappy???? For me, that's a question I would never be able to answer since I want my friends to be happy. I can honestly count on one hand my TRUE friends.

Let them haters go ladies! Don't try to rack your brain with why. It's definately their loss, NOT YOURS!
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I know I'm late on this but I was about to yell Hallelujah! But then I realized I was in the coffee shop. But Askalot is SOOOO right. Its a shame your friends can't even be happy for you because they are so blinded by hate cause they wish or feel like it should have been them....Never knowing what it really takes and what you have to go through to get to this point...They just see the "Love"....Its the same for the girls who get the FINEST guys, and her other friends think she isn't pretty enough to have him-cause they jealous.

I lost my friend of 10 years after I started dating my man (now DH) 8 years ago. It hurt me to the core. I know she was happy for me, but our other roomates were really hating, and got in her ear so after I stopped clubbing with them and going to this and that dude's house she just kind of started hanging more with them. There was one time they wanted to go to Atlanta, but their broke butts didn't want to pay for a hotel, and they were going to try and stay with these guys who had a room (cause there was a football game in ATL that weekend), so I was like no, cause I don't know these dudes, and the ones I DID know I wouldn't be caught in a room by myself with them cause they were nasty...long story short, my single friends were just too open with their lifestyle, and the girls in our house were getting a reputation of being "sluts" so we all just kind of went out seperate ways, and they act like they didn't like the fact that I wasn't feeling that club-hopping scene anymore...so there you go. I think married people should hang out more with other married folks or people on that road to marriage, or at least in committed relationships. I have single friends but they are girls I go to dinner with or meet at a coffee shop or see a girly movie with because I can't get my DH to go. If they are clubbing, they won't see me...its only a "Mature Women's" night out or nothing....I am past the man-hunting, hooking folks up phase of my life.

I'm with you Bumble, those days are over for me!

Me too!!!

Thank you.
I just wish some of my girlfrinds would grow up and come to the realization that their FH is NOT at the club waiting to buy them a drink!
And I can't tell you how much I enjoy ladies night out, when it's ladies night in. Less stress.

[quote="MsBoston"]Thank you.
I just wish some of my girlfrinds would grow up and come to the realization that their FH is NOT at the club waiting to buy them a drink!
And I can't tell you how much I enjoy ladies night out, when it's ladies night in. Less stress.
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Girl you betta preach!!!!! I know that's right.