My Fiance and THE EXES

First welcome to the Vibride sisterhood. You will find everything you need right here! It sounds like your fiance needs to cut all ties with the exes that's why they are exes! Have you ever told him that his communication with them makes you uncomfortable or that you simply don't like it? Make sure that he's being on the up and up with you because it sounds like he's not if he failed to tell them such important news about his plans to marry you. Also, if you are having run ins with them, he allows it to happen and tells you that you're wrong, something is up with that! Follow your instincts and your gut on this one! Tell that you demand respect and for him to stop the nonsense with the exes and if he doesn't want to do it then question whether you should commit your life to him. And with all things pray to God for his guidance and his divine plan for your life. I hope it works out and many blessings!

Welcome, MzTajsia! It's great to meet you. I am guilty of being friends with my ex-boyfriends. I do talk with them on occassion and one of them had my hubby in his wedding!

Some guys can be just friends with an ex. Maybe they cursed him out of hurt. He didn't propose to them, now did he? The more you limit his activities the more he may come to resent it. He really needs to get his hair done by someone else though. The clingy one who calls all the time needs to halt that behavior. It's way too co-dependent. But if they are really friends, then that's what friends do isn't it?

Love is TRUST. Trust your man to curb these trifling heffers. He is MARRYING YOU! That has to burn them good. SO get a good giggle about that too. Maybe when they call you can discuss your wedding plans with them. [lol]

I am not going to sugar coat this situation because it not only sounds bad...IT IS BAD!...straight up!...listen her girl and welcome to the site...like the old people say in my country "something in the milk ain't clean"...do you realize what it means when you are "engaged" does he know what it means....obviously not.

Honey if this man put a ring on your finger - he is proclaiming his love to you and to the entire world - including the 2 ex's (and by the way - there is a reason they are called ex's) and to make matters worst he takes their side over yours - sweetgirl you need to wake up and smell the roses - I do not care if you are standing in a crowd and telling them it is raining when in fact it is not - as far as he is concern - you are his love and he should believe everything you say and side with you - cuss you if he has to later in the privacy of your own home but damn it side with you.

I have a problem with any man who does not take up a position and stand with his woman...you need to check and really see what he is into and get out of it now before you marry this man and then you are stuck with him, his drama and the ex's. Sorry for being so blunt but why pretty up a mess!

Welcome to the site MzTajsia! First of all when my fiance and I got back together. He still had a few skeletons in the closet. I told HIM to handle his business or all bets were off. I meant what I said and I was prepared to kick his butt to the curb if he didn't honor my feelings. He told them that he had gotten back with me and that we were getting married. They still continued to call and I told him to change his cell number and the house number changed because we moved. There is no way in hell that I will deal with a man that doesn't tell the exes about me or a man that will not honor my feelings. Men for whatever reason at times like to have that female attention. I don't know your fiance, but it is HIS job to tell those exes to step off! I also want to say that HOW DARE HE blame you make this your fault. I am a person that keeps it real and if this man is going to be your husband, then he needs to respect you and your feelings unconditionally!

First of all - you can not make them act like ladies - they have to want to be ladies - so stop right there, you can not change them. Secondly, how can they respect you if He is not showing you any respect!...this is rediculous sweetgirl!

Rosey I agree with you to a certain extent. I think that there has to be a high level of maturity to deal with a matter such as this and these females to me don't seem to to be mature. Rosey's situation seems to be a very respectful and mature situation with the exes. I am the type of woman that can respect a couple's relationship and would in no way want to interfere with that because i don't want anyone interfering with mine. I was speaking from experience when I repiled to that post. About 5 years ago I was engaged to another man and he had the problem with being friends with his exes, meaning daily phone conversatiions, etc. I was very bothered and suspicious by it and expressed it on several occasions and of course he told me it was nothing and that i was trippin. To make a long story short I had spoken with him and he told me that he was staying over at work and would be unreachable until morning(he worked as a wilderness counselor). I prayed before I went to bed that night that I was tired of being suspicious and untrusting so I asked the Lord to show me if my suspicions were correct or give me a peace about things if they weren't. I will never forget, at approximately 3:02am the Lord woke me from my sleep and told me to get up. I drove my car to an apartment complex I had never been and there was my fiance's truck parked at his exes house. I remembered her name and called 411 to get her number. When she answered the phone I politely spoke to her and asked to speak with him and she gasped and handed him the phone. I told him them that he was caught and that it was over. Of course, he cried and begged but I was done. The Lord gave me exactly what I asked for, I accepted it and ended the relationship. So when I said pray about it I meant it because he will show you and you have to be ready for whatever he shows you. I thank God today that I took heed to his word because I would not be marrying the man of my dreams on October 7th. That's my testimony!

Well let me start off by sayings that I

MzTJ (your new nickname), just know that it is your fiance's place to stop the communication with these women. The fact that you are uncomfortable with that should be enough. You will be his wife, and your fiance should honor and respect your feelings, point blank. I must tell you MzTJ, my heart goes out to your and I wish you the very best.

[quote="MzTajsia"]Thank you ladies.

It is hard becuase I feel like i am "changing" up with certian things when we were dating but now it's different we have children together and we have been together (living) for three years.[/quote]
Welcome to the sisterhood MzTJ-Sorry to be so blunt-You put up with it for three+ years, you established the boundaries of what you will and will not accept in the relationship back them. We are both friends with our Ex's, but from afar, none of us have Ex's calling our home. You should have put your foot down a long time ago. Rosy's right about the girl cussing him out, she's angry because he's not marrying her. If he hasn't put a stop to things, sugar, he's not going too. And don't bother putting your foot down now, they'll turn it around to make it seem like you're the one in the wrong.

MzTJ put a stop to it before it gets any farter than where it is already, you don

[quote="phenomonique"]Thank you ladies.

It is hard becuase I feel like i am "changing" up with certian things when we were dating but now it's different we have children together and we have been together (living) for three years.
Welcome to the sisterhood MzTJ-Sorry to be so blunt-You put up with it for three+ years, you established the boundaries of what you will and will not accept in the relationship back them. We are both friends with our Ex's, but from afar, none of us have Ex's calling our home. You should have put your foot down a long time ago. Rosy's right about the girl cussing him out, she's angry because he's not marrying her. If he hasn't put a stop to things, sugar, he's not going too. And don't bother putting your foot down now, they'll turn it around to make it seem like you're the one in the wrong.
[/quote]

Thank you Niquey - I could not have said it better myself! He down right trifling and full of it!

MzTJ, I just want to assure you that we have your back 100%. Sometimes it is hard to swallow the truth, but the ladies here really have your best interests at heart.

[quote="MzTajsia"]Thank you agian Ladies,

I have been in pray over this and I know god will send me the anwser that I need and I am loking for.

I know if I wait on him he will deliver and strengthen me through it all.
[/quote]

It's been three years plus - maybe God has been speaking to along time ago and you just do not want to hear him...What this man is doing is just the iceberg of what's to come after/if you marry him...

Princess Diana said it once but in your case there will be 4 of you'll in that marriage.

In your marriage there should only 3 Main People
1.GOD
2Husband
3.Wife
keep everyone else the hell out. i think i read this saying in 1 of the other post

Amen! I think you all know what I feel about this situation. Like Niquey says you set the stage for what's to come! We teach people how to treat us and if you've allowed this to go on for 3 years, have children with this man and live with him why should he change up now, you've let it happened. That's just like punishing a child for bad behavior from last year now! It's ineffective and because the behavior and damage has been done. I think that you your family and friends already know him for who he is so you don't have to protect him or keep the situation a secret. I would rather save face now than marry a man that will take me through hell. Think about it and be honest with yourself. This sistahood is not a bunch of bitter women please understand that.We care about you and want the best for you just as God our father does!

Welcome to the site MzTajsia. Soemthing is up with your fiance and his exes. What I mean by that is, why is it that he can't keep it real with them and tell them what's going on with you two (engaged)? Why would a woman curse someone out because she found out he's now engaged? Why is it that he doesn't seem to understand your feelings and where you are coming from and blames you? It seems as though he take their side over yours and it should be the other way around. Why is or was she even doing his hair? My fiance has braids and I nipped that in the bud as soon as I stepped on the scene. I do his hair or he will go to a salon to get it done (when I REALLY do not feel like doing it - which is rarely). Put yourself in his shoes, why you not tell your exes you're engaged? Something's fishy. Tell him you're not comfortable with him and the exes being friends (believe me, if he truly loves you and don't want you to be upset, he'll drop them without a second thought).

[quote="SeptBride"]Something is up with your fiance and his exes. What I mean by that is why is it that he can't keep it real with them and tell them what's going on with you two (engaged)?[/quote]
He's not being real with anyone.

Lord forgive me - but when will we as women stop taking mess from these trifling --- men, It is really making me sick to my stomach how much they get away with dumbnation (my word) enough is enough and that is too much - drop this drama and the exes...

Charly I so agree, we are on the same page with this! I know it seems that we're being blunt and although the truth hurts but it can set you free! MZTJ I hope that you will do what's best for yourself and your kids. They don't need to see the drama between you too because that cycle will only repeat itself. They will model exactly what they see and build relationships on what they learned from their parents. Now I realize that that is a generalization but it's rare that it doesn't happen. For so long I dated men who were just like my bio-father, whom I stated in another post walked out on us when I was 9. He was trifling, no good and was out for self. Until I saw that my Mother felt better about herself and would ratehr be alone than settle for a triflin man, my choices in men improved. I now demand respect and a man of God who will treat me like a queen. Ok, I've really been saying alot on this subject but it hits home and if I can help someone from dysfunction I will. Don't be selfish, what you do affects your kids too.

[quote="PureBliss"]Charly I so agree, we are on the same page with this! I know it seems that we're being blunt and although the truth hurts but it can set you free! Ok, I've really been saying alot on this subject but it hits home and if I can help someone from dysfunction I will. Don't be selfish, what you do affects your kids too.[/quote]
SNAPS for Ms PB&J!!!! speak sister speak!

[quote="MzTajsia"]I have put my foot down. Now what do I do?[/quote]
Men are worst than children when you TELL them what to do. There are a couple of ways to go at this. 1. Sit him down again and tell him how all of this is affecting you, 2. Put it in writing, sometimes it's easier to express yourself that way.

[quote="MzTajsia"]I just trying how to get him to realize that they do not have his happiness in my mind.[/quote]
Well most men have to see things to believe them.
When I was younger I went through an Ex thing and I keep tell my friend that his so called just friends ex-girlfriend was a psycho and still wanted to be with him. The girl would show up at his grandmothers house every Sunday for dinner, even though the grandmother asked her stop coming by. So one day while he was out on a fishing trip with his friends this chick came by and pulled a gun on me and told me he will always belong to her and that I had better leave him alone. He didn't believe me when I told him she had done that, I had to show him the police report to prove it. I dumped his sorry tail like funky trash.

What the Hell!...I hope you left him with a going away present - A good kick in the hip!

[quote="MzTajsia"] So I pick and choose when to say something and when not to.[/quote]
I know what you mean, and that's best. It keeps tension down and communication lines stay open.

MzTJ, the fact that your and your FH are in counseling shows that you are in the process of working through things. That my dear is a positive step. Just remember to pray and ask for guidance from the Almighty, He will never lead you astray.

I too am glad to hear that you both are in couples counseling! Iwish you the best with this situation. God Bless

MzTajsia, I had to learn a lot of things the HARD way about men and life. My mother read men like nothing I have seen. But, noooooooo I had to be hard-headed, get heartbroken & have reality slap me in the face before I believed that my mother actually knew what she was talking about. Same thing with MEN - THEY ARE SOOOO CLUELESS at times. Take my FH for instance - I could read his "friends" within one hour of meeting them (Guess I inherited that from my mother lol) & he have known them for years. I remember telling him X, Y & Z are not your friends, watch them. It took for them to make passes at me (which I told him about) and for them to spread rumors amongst the circle that I slept with one of them for him to realize it! Why didn't he just listen to me at the beginning I don't know. I said all of that to say, if your FH thinks you're crazy, let him. But, he will surely find out the hard way that they do not have his happiness in mind.

So true Askalot! Hopefully he will not have to find out the hard way and will wake up real soon, before someone gets hurt.

[quote="SeptBride"] Take my FH for instance - I could read his "friends" within one hour of meeting them (Guess I inherited that from my mother lol) [/quote]

It's called the Spirit of Discernment - it is a gift from God - some people can speak in tongues, others have dreams etc. etc. etc....it is a blessing, embrace it. Often times we get these little nuggets from our inner man and more often we want to ignore them because "we just do not want to face reality" but when it happens "God is trying to tell us something" and if your in the flesh - you can't comprehend. Some praying and fasting will directly link you to God - there you will find your answer and inner peace.

Welcome MZ.Tajsia , I love you name..its so cute. But anyways, I have not much to say because I have never been in your situation but I hope you get everything under control soon. I pray that everything will work its way out before you actually marry him and are fully commited to this man, and better yet also while you kids are still young. I would hate for them to pick up that type of behavior and do that to the women or men in their lives. A few of the women here have said they tolerated "dumbnation" (as Charley newly created word) because their mothers did it. I would have for your daughters (if you have) them to be treated like that or your sons to treat other women like that. Brother man needs to get a clue before the clue gets him. Ask him would he rather have 2 unstable ex's (friends) or 1 family that is happy and stable and that he can grow with. If his answer isnt the happy family or he tries to dodge the question or adds a but..I think you will know where he stands with them and you make your decision on what you should do from there. You can always find new friends who aren't ex's and i'm pretty sure he already has some friends. He dont need 2 burdens, they arent friends anyway because if they were they would respect you and your relationship and step off!

Niquey, she pulled a gun on you?Oh No, Sista.My father was in the army and I was taught that you never pull a gun on someone unless you plan to use it.Sista girl would have had it snatched from her and probably been beaten with it.I'm serious.Anyway, MzTajsia, your FH needs to understand that YOU come first.These chicks need to understand that he has a woman and they need to move on!He thinks that he's just being nice.But the women use that as a way of holding on to him.They aren't calling just to be friendly, THEY STILL WANT HIM.

This post has me a bit "p" off - obviously the ex's only doing what this man allowing them to do - this is foolishness to me, he needs to fix this mess or you need to fix him - and trust me...I am being very christian with this reply - I am annoyed at this point!

[quote="MzTajsia"]I too am friends with my exes one tried this mess with me and I cut him lose so quick his head spun. [/quote]

You need to tell that to sweetboy so he can apply the same principle....and "as we lay" that Kelly Price

[quote="MzTajsia"]I am worried that my FH will think I am trying to be overbearinig and controlling. Like i said he did not have the best examples in his parents marriage. [/quote]

Do you intend to live with Ex-girlfirend drama? Do you thing things with the Ex's will change when you get married?

[quote="MzTajsia"]Ms. Clingy since finding out has been the worst. Ms. Crazy well she will probably show up at the wedding.[/quote]

The way these girls are acting now - I can almost guarantee you there will be drama at your wedding.

MzTJ ask your FH, if the roles were reversed would it be ok with him for you to be so friendly with your exes? Would it be ok for them to call anytime to discuss all of these problems that they were having? Wolul it be ok if you hadn't told them you two were engaged? Would it be ok for another man to buy HIS children gifts, because he was a "friend" of yours? Ask him. Tell him to THINK and answer carefully because if the answer is anything but, "Yeah baby that's ok" then there's your problem.

VERY GOOD VETTY!.........I am so happy to see you come on the boards :-)

Well said,Vet!I apologize to anyone that may have been offended by my first reply.Like Charlotte,this aggravates me.I had a similiar situation last year with ex's.At first, I didn't say anything even though it bothered me.I didn't want my FH to think that I was jealous.But,these "heffas"(being polite,you know I'd like to use other words)got comfortable and called whenever (even sometimes 1 and 2 A.M);one would call and if he didn't answer,would hang up and keep calling back until he answered.I told him to handle or I will. I cussed these tricks out and told them to put themselves in my shoes.Would they want their man's exes disrespecting them by calling constantly?As for him,I reminded him that I cut ties with my ex because ex called me with lies about my FH.They fought (FH won).The point...Things with ex's can get ugly,and someone can get hurt.All ties need to be cut if kids aren't involved.

Yeah this topic got me a little heated too. I had an EX issue in the beginning. But I went to her house to let her know she wasn't dealing with a little girl (she's like 4-5 yrs younger), and I told her she didn't want to step in the ring with me. I don't do cans of whup ass, I do cases. No problems for then on. I only speak to you once.

[quote="L_EVET"]Yeah this topic got me a little heated too. I had an EX issue in the beginning. But I went to her house to let her know she wasn't dealing with a little girl (she's like 4-5 yrs younger), and I told her she didn't want to step in the ring with me. I don't do cans of whup ass, I do cases. No problems for then on. I only speak to you once.
[/quote]

Vetty you are a woman after my own heart! Sounds like a case is in order here! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!. But on the serious note MzTJ, the ladies here only wish you well. Although this is a hot topic, we only wish you the best and no one wishes to offend you. We are just keeping it real.

MistyJ.....my advice to you ..."Deal with the problem or you will become a part of the problem"

I wasn't going to comment, because all of the ladies have really given you the best advice already! I have an ex problem as well. At first she thought that I was Ms. nice lady. Until she call my sweetie and started to curse him about him not coming over and bringing his daughter something to eat. (of course that was something he use to do)but, I put a stop to that, not because I was being unreasonable, but he pays $500 a month for one child and we buy her her clothes and everything and anything she may need when she's with us. She has also told her daughter that she wants him back (of course that's not going to happen), but I talked to her to tell, how everything is going to be weather she likes it or not. Because she will not disrespect my house nor my husband. He's really too nice and just let her say anything to him, but not any more! So now when she calls I answer the phone and she respect me and him. I don't get involed until things get out of hand, I will not let any woman talk to him crazy or take advantage of him. Bless his heart he has a really good heart, so he have a hard time telling people no.

[quote="MzTajsia"]I told him as soon as he steps up they will stop. [/quote]

YOU NEVER NEEDED OUR ADVICE...YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEEDED TO DO ALL A LONG - YOU SAID IT YOURSELF....

[quote="platinumstyle"]Niquey, she pulled a gun on you?[/quote]
Yes girl! I walk out and called the cops.

[quote="MzTajsia"]She looked around me and said I will call you later[/quote]

GAME, SET, MATCH!!
MzTajsia, these women don't respect your roll (no matter how many children you have) because he is not enforcing it. Any time a broad speaks to your companion and he let it go, she knew she could continue playing her games. I had one of Curt's neighbors do that to me, me had a thing for him. The four or fifth weekend I came out to visit Ms Chickie knocks on the door at 9:30 so I opened the door. She looked me up and down,turned her lip up and asked for him. I told her he was resting. This thing rolled her eyes at me and yells past me for him. When he came out the bed room she says 'I asked you compny to get you but', and before she could finish her statement he set her straight. He told her I was the lady of the house and she was company, and I had to add my two cents, so I told her company was no longer welcome after 6pm. Needless to say that was our last visit from her. She even stop speaking to him.