Hello ladies!
..For yours is the kingdom, the power and the glory, forever...
Hi. I am new to this forum but I have several questions/concerns. All of these things i put in prayer and I like to hear when God works and speaks thru others so here we go...
I met my fiance' on the interenet.As if that wasnt text book enuff he is West African (Nigerian to be exact)and I am Black American. We typed to each other and called each other for about 6 months and I made it up in my mind to go to see him. Yes it was my first time in Africa, yes I saw the most beautiful people there, men and women which concerned me bcuz why would u be interested in me with a bounty of women at ur disposle(so 2 speak). He is successful, educated, and really just a great guy. He said the same to me. Actually he said the men must be stupid. lol.
The thing is I am a single mother of 5. And though I am successful and educated myself, most of the men I have encoutered, espescially in the black circles, have an instant stop button on any single woman with 5 responsibilities. My FH saw this as a blessing not a henderance.
So after 21 days of loving every semi possessive,insightful, inspiring,loving moment with this man we are engaged. He wanted to marry me then, but I had fears. These fears I feel are a product of the society in which I was raised and the malicious racial and ethnic views we are exposed to on every level, and not just by our own but by the african men I have dated b4 and the things I have heard from them and their family. But I am exposed to it all the same.
How can I feel safe living with him there? How can I feel secure him coming here? Does he think I have more than I do? Does he think i am more than I am. I am a working God fearing woman who's only want is to feel like it is right to feel I have been gifted my soul mate, even if he is across the ocean. Our cultural difference don't matter when we make love but they do matter when we commit to love making. I hate feeling like he may turn out to be different than what I see. He's never been to the US..Will this material, low moral society spoil him? Please offer advice to sooth my spirit and pray for me. I don't want to ruin something so wonderful bcuz of the effects f propoganda. PS our date is May 22,2007
Overseas husband
Tue, 06/06/2006 - 19:26
#1
Overseas husband
Hello ladies!
..For yours is the kingdom, the power and the glory, forever...
Hi. I am new to this forum but I have several questions/concerns. All of these things i put in prayer and I like to hear when God works and speaks thru others so here we go...
I met my fiance' on the interenet.As if that wasnt text book enuff he is West African (Nigerian to be exact)and I am Black American. We typed to each other and called each other for about 6 months and I made it up in my mind to go to see him. Yes it was my first time in Africa, yes I saw the most beautiful people there, men and women which concerned me bcuz why would u be interested in me with a bounty of women at ur disposle(so 2 speak). He is successful, educated, and really just a great guy. He said the same to me. Actually he said the men must be stupid. lol.
The thing is I am a single mother of 5. And though I am successful and educated myself, most of the men I have encoutered, espescially in the black circles, have an instant stop button on any single woman with 5 responsibilities. My FH saw this as a blessing not a henderance.
So after 21 days of loving every semi possessive,insightful, inspiring,loving moment with this man we are engaged. He wanted to marry me then, but I had fears. These fears I feel are a product of the society in which I was raised and the malicious racial and ethnic views we are exposed to on every level, and not just by our own but by the african men I have dated b4 and the things I have heard from them and their family. But I am exposed to it all the same.
How can I feel safe living with him there? How can I feel secure him coming here? Does he think I have more than I do? Does he think i am more than I am. I am a working God fearing woman who's only want is to feel like it is right to feel I have been gifted my soul mate, even if he is across the ocean. Our cultural difference don't matter when we make love but they do matter when we commit to love making. I hate feeling like he may turn out to be different than what I see. He's never been to the US..Will this material, low moral society spoil him? Please offer advice to sooth my spirit and pray for me. I don't want to ruin something so wonderful bcuz of the effects f propoganda. PS our date is May 22,2007
Welcome to the site Nbychaos.You'll find alot of useful information here and the sistas are always giving great advice!Your situation is much different than I'm used to hearing.Wow.I hope you're not offended by what I have to say.You may need to spend more quality time with your fiance(in person).You know,to learn more about him like his habits,his attitude to certain things,etc.Have your children met him?What do they think about him?Are you planning to live in the U.S. or Nigeria?Does he want children of his own and are you willing to have more children?Marriage is serious.You have a lot to consider especially the fact that you live in two different countries and are from two different cultures.Maybe you should have him visit you in the U.S.Just continue to pray about this...
Born Blessed!
Hi Nybchaos, and welcome to the boards. I am very happy that you have found love. I would like to suggest as my fellow sista Platinum said, you guys need to spend some more quality time together. You have 5 children and you need to make sure that this man will love and accept your children. There are some brides on the site that are marrying African men and have children, perhaps they can shed some light on this situation for you. I think your fiance should definitely pay a visit to the States because this is a very different culture. Have you guys discussed where you will live? In any event, if it is true love on both of your parts it will work out. I would caution you to be careful. Try to spend as much time with him as you can. Be blessed.
Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37
Welcome, nbychaos! I agree with the ladies, take more time to get to know him. He needs to visit the states and get a feel for you and the culture. Also, because you have 5 kids you need to be very cautious about him being around them if you don't even know him well enough yet. Internet dating is risky enough. It has been my observation that Nigerian men are very controlling,charming, possessive and have more than one wife. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be negative but please don't allow your emotions to make your decisions. This situation is happening so fast it would be to your advantage to slow it down for your sake as well as your 5 kids. Ask yourself if you are wanting to be with this man because of your idea that you are shunned by men because you have 5 kids? Be in prayer about this situation and seek God's will not yours.
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Welcome to the site nybchaos. The ladies here are wonderful and we treat each other like family. What I'm about to say is exactly what I would tell my sister. This is just my opinion though.
1) You most definatly HAVE to spend time with this MAN.
2) I didn't see anywhere you have stated that either you or him fell in love with the other or love each other for that fact.
3) Are you marrying him because it seems as though he's the only person that hasn't turned the other way as soon as he found out that you have 5 kids?
4) How old are you?
5) When I read your post, I thought of lust, not love.
Please do not get me wrong with my questions or concerns. I am very happy if you have found the love of your life. But, honey, you have kids to think about as well. How much do you REALLY know about this man? I'm not asking what has he told you, but what do you KNOW. Me and FH has been together for 8 years, but I didn't KNOW, KNOW him until we moved in together and after a couple of years in the relationship. Do a background check also. I see too much crazy stuff on the news and only want the best for my fellow sistas! Keep God first and all else will fall into place.
Nybchaos, the ladies here are wonderful and have your best interest at heart. Read each and every post and be in prayer about this situation. You have to be careful for yourself and for your children. Keep us posted.
Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37
I am a Caribbena peoson but also an AMerican born person. It is strange for African Americans, I think, to get used to how fast men move from other countries. 21 days donsen't seem short to me if you have been talking and e-mailing for over 6 months.
Where you nay have a problem is quite simply culturally. What does he expect pof you and what do you expect of him? Nigerians place a very high value on families and he would embrace your children as his own. It does not seem that culturally this is the norm in the U.S. So you may never feel that he is "father" to your children and that could be a problem. Pray on it and get to know the members of HIS family. Their acceptanceof you will let you know what to expect when married to this man. How is he with them???
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Go with your instincts!!!!!!!!!!! Something about this relationship has prompted you to write this message - don't get married until you resolve that. If it doesn't get resolved - don't marry him. Because this message wasn't about what your friends think of him or your family or anything like that. It was born of your own fears so don't make a move until you resolve it - It may be just your own insecurities or it may be some thing that your subconcious is picking up about him. Either of those take time to resolve and for that reason I agree with every single other person that says you need to take some time!
Sincerely
Kay Kay
[quote="karenita1"]Go with your instincts!!!!!!!!!!! Something about this relationship has prompted you to write this message - don't get married until you resolve that. If it doesn't get resolved - don't marry him. Because this message wasn't about what your friends think of him or your family or anything like that. It was born of your own fears so don't make a move until you resolve it - It may be just your own insecurities or it may be some thing that your subconcious is picking up about him. Either of those take time to resolve and for that reason I agree with every single other person that says you need to take some time!
Sincerely
Kay Kay
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I have to agree with the girls here....Nybchaos, I can see that you are a Woman of God...and my first question is he a MOG (man of God?), do you even share the same beliefs in worship and the roles of men and women as God sees fit? Have you all set a date? Because you are living apart in different countries, I cannot imagine that you are both seeking spiritual counsel....I have been with my now fiancee 7 years, and even though we don't live together, it took a lot for us to come to this part in our lives....IF we loved each other was never a question...we then had to decide if we want to live together forever -even with our little idiosyncrasies....when I got saved, it took him 3 years to do that himself, so image how it feels to be unequally yoked to someone you love so much....but God is great and he answers prayers...so I say to you, if you love this man, seek the wisdom of the Master first, and be specific in what you ask for, because God knows what you want anyway, and what you worry about, but are you willing to be transparent with him to ask? Then are you willing to go straight to your fiancee and ask him those seemingly hard questions so that you can get some peace of mind?
Also....and this is hard....is he willing to travel to the United States if you decide that living in Nigeria is 1) not what God said and 2)not what you would be comfortable with? Ask him how would he feel about that?
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Well said,Karenita and Bumblebee.Nbchoas,have you come to a decision?
Born Blessed!
NBChaos, how's it going?
Delight yourself in The Lord & He will give you the desires of your heart!Ps 37
I can't even respond to this because I am sneaking and this is very long :-(
Charlotte wishes you all a beautiful Christmas filled with loads of love, laughter and the true meaning of this blessed season.
(Giving you a big hug)Hey,Charley!We missed you on the boards.It's great to see you again.I missed your words of wisdom.You,as a spiritual woman, are an inspiration.I have began to study my bible more and things are looking much better for me!
Born Blessed!