Response Card Woe!

When I received some of my rsvp cards-- some people called me and asked if they can add people to the list-- others just plain out did not. I am not a wedding etiquette expert but I think its not in good taste. If your budget is low-- have a big ceremony and a small intimate reception (separate invites to close family and friends) I am getting married in 11 days and what I've learned in the 1 year of planning is that "no one" cares about "your" budget. Not to sound harsh-- everyone loves a wedding and they will add people to your list with or without your consent. Do what makes you & your fiance & your pockets happy. ;)

1205bride, my fiance and I are paying for our wedding also and we are trying to keep the list to 120 people. My fiance's mom is one of 13 children and just his side alone was hard to manage. This is not even counting my fiance's father's family, since his mom and dad are divorced. My fiance is banking on some of his mom's family not being able to attend, so that he can invite his dad's brother's and sister. What my fiance wanted to do was put "No substitutions" somewhere in his family invites so that if those that are not able to come, would not just get another uninvited family member to take their place. I would have no parts of that and I told him that I would never put a "no substitutions" message anywhere in an invite that I was going to send out....NO WAY! To me that would be just tacky and I didn't want my name attached to anything like that. I told my fiance that I didn't care what other method or idea he came up with to let his side know that if someone is not available to make it that he really wanted to use that space for someone on his father's side and he agreed to think of something else.
It is truly hard when you have issues that come up that you really don't know how to handle.
I have had a few people ask if they could bring a guest and I have had to tell them no. So far, the responses I have received back have been from those people that the invites have been addressed to, but I am waiting for a few to come back with extra people on them. I will just have to give them a call and explain that space is not available for those that were not invited.
I guess "invited guest only" would have been a better versed way to have my fiance inform his side of the family about the no substitutions and I may have given that idea a thought.
Honestly, you have to do whatever is going to get the point across. Not everyone is going to like it, but what the heck, it is your wedding and you have to be happy with your decisions.
Good luck!!

KLB just to save you some time and your wrist some writing, how about fill in the number of people on the response card before filling it out. On each card I put the number and some people will change your number when it comes back or call you with questions, but don't feel pressured. We had someone at the door of the reception hall with an accurate list of who's who and who sits where so that there weren't any "slip ins". Be firm this is your money and your wedding. My mom is one of 11 and my dad is one of 14 so I know all about the big families. Best of luck.

Easiest way to handle this is to put each of your guest name and the number invited on each RSVP.

Phenomonique & Jasnigel, I don't agree.If my fiance got an invite without my name I'd be hurt that I was not invited and I believe he'd feel the same. (That's just my opinion)

There will be hurt feelings no matter how you do it. Yes I'd be hurt too Nikky if my hubby received an invite for just him. However, 1205bride, if you know tht a guest has a significant other or constant companion and you don't know their name, it's not in poor taste to put "and guest" on the RSVP. And also specify the number(i.e. 2) invited on the RSVP as well. When it's all said and done, you are the one who is footing the bill, and 'feelings' don't pay any bills.

Nikky I have had that happen to me. My fiance was sent an invitation for him only. The RSVP had his name alone, 1 one the little line at the bottom and no guest typed next to his name. It was a guy he went to college with. The reception was in New York at Tavern on The Green. That place is expensive. So considering the fact that I wouldn't want anyone to take the liberty of 'crashing' my reception we didn't even consider asking them to fit me in. He respectfully declined and we sent a gift. On the real; I let him make the decision on what to do with that one. He better had declined the invite or it would have been on)LOL!!!

That's what I'm talking about... You were slightly hurt.... besides, not everyone is married or getting married--- so there are plenty of people that do not follow etiquette and just show up. I have 274 people invited and I am expecting more. I am facing reality.

Reality is one thing, but a bill after a reception sucks. My friend had her reception and before they left the hall they were presented with a huge bill. Cousins bringing friends and such. Reality is you don't want that ot happen. And I guess it depends on where you have it. If it's some place where you do your on food and drinks the worst that could happen is you run out of stuff. If food and drinks are part of a package, I think you should put names on the cards.

I know I am not trying to receive a huge bill after the end of my reception for those that were not invited or didn't respond.
What do you all think about giving the coordinator a list of those that are supposed to be attending the reception? I thought about that and wasn't sure what should be told to someone that shows up to the reception and there is no space for them??

reality or not, tacky is just tacky. I thing its tacky to put names on the rsvp cards. you might as well not invite that person especially if there's multiple people in that household.

We all have our opinions and I think having a list at the door is extreme. But you got to do what you got to do. Having someone turned around because they're not on the list. It is was it is. Crashing my event when you where not invited and causing me additional money..TACKY!!!

If someone doesn't take the time to send back my response card or respond to my phone call following up with them because they have not sent back the response card, had better not show up! They may just get their feelings hurt! It's a shame, but it just may happen.

I am just asking for a little common courtesy. Don't have me extend my pockets if it is not necessary. That is not fair to me especially, if I am contacting you to verify if you are going to attend or not. I have to give my count two weeks before the wedding and some folks may just be out of luck!

lets get serious ladies. I guess I should have further explained. I meant if your inviting Mr & Mrs. ???? then on the response card place the number 2. And of course if the person has a significant other and you don't know the name you'd address it to Mr/Mrs. ?? and guest. Then I'd still place the number 2 on the response card. I have a really big family as does my husband. We had 150 guests and tried to include everyone, but I knew I had to invite the aunts and uncles out of respect. I had some Aunts whom are not in relationships or married ( I know this as a fact) send back their responses and put in a number 5/6/7 which represented their children and possibly grandchildren. TO deal with this my MOH and MOB simpy called these people and inquired about the response. Some people honestly think that everyone can attend everything no matter the cost to you. Unless you have an endless wallet you have to set a limit. And speaking from experience the closer you get to your wedding date and the last count that you have to give your caterer or recep. hall you need as little agravation as possible. As far as my husband/fiance being invited without me, unless that guy didn't know about you it could have been an honest mistake. I do agree that he either decline the invite or call and let them know he had a fiance. the list that I mentioned was simply a seating chart. I had a seating coordinator at the door to help people find their names amongst the seating cards and show them where the tables were. i bet you guys won't believe I had people leave the church and go pick up people on the way to my reception and actually bring them there. then get upset when they don't have a seat. My mom ended up having an extra table set up to accomodate 4 people that I didn't really know and of course weren't invited. Only thing is each of my tables sat 10 people and I had to pay for all 10 seats because it was last minute and I had 6 of them empty. I wish you all the best in handling this the best way and as tastefully as you can. It can be stresful.

With respect to my fiances' college buddy, his fiance didn't know about me, but he said it would have been ackwark attending without me:) Now that's exactly what I'm talking about some places charge by the table even if one or two people are at that table. And yes people will pick up their other friend along the way and just show up. Setting chart and names (Mr. and guest or Mr. and Mrs.) are the best suggestion. Good luck with this one. Pray, pray, and pray some more.

Wow! I never considered all of the different ways to handle this invitation problem. I received an invitation that I thought was worded quite well. Mr. and Mrs. _________ have reserved 2 seats in your honor for the ______ reception. I thought that was appropriate and very clear that there was only an opportunity to RSVP for two guests. Underneath that, the guest wrote how many would be attending and the corresponding names. Money is money and above all the bride and groom have to protect their day and their investment. I do believe in having someone at the door with a master list and respectfully saying that arrangements have not been made for those that did not RSVP. Now, I feel a little more leniency towards the substituting guest deal. I feel that I will give my invitees an opportunity to bring a guest for their comfort, so if they've switched boyfriends/girlfriends since I sent out the invitations, that has nothing to do with me. I just only want them to bring in the acceptable number so it doesn't mess up my money and RSVP list.

Just to let all of you know it is a MUST that you stick to your budget even when family dont care. In this day and time the place were you are having your event requires you to use there catering services. It not like it use to be when the aunts of the bride cooked enough food to feed a thousand.
So stick to your guns. People have to know that times have change and if they dont know now they will I just came from a wedding that was strict on the RSVP they had a list and if your name was not on that list you had to step aside and wait and after everyone that was on the list was inside and if someone cancel then and only then you were able to come in. People was upset but they know and some even came back said sorry because they were wrong not the bride or groom or the people at the door. So it is not bad etiquette to stick to your gun. Go with what you can afford remember this is your day.And please make sure that the person(s) that you have at your door go by what you said and not let the whole town in because some place where you have your event will hit you in your pocket if you have more that what you state is going to be there. So make the calls make sure who is coming and dont let anybody that has RSVP call you back and try to add that is tacky on their behalf and you have the right to say NO!! Always remember who is footing the bill.

Hi, I'm new to this forum but my opinion is this. On the response card, put We have reserved _(amount of people) seats in your honor. Then they can either check: Accept with pleasure or decline with regret.

Welcome, SeptBride. You guys totally covered EVERY angle! Great advice. Thanks for being a member, 1205bride! Good luck on your wedding.

I was afraid of that happening with mine because it happened to my sister, so this is how I'm handling the situation:

We look forward to having you attend our a wonderful celebration anf fellowship...

______ will attend
______ will attend with one guest
______ will be unable to attend

If people are rude enough (like they were at my sister's wedding) and scratch out "one" guest and add the amount of people they want to come,and you don't feel comfortable informing them have your parents, wedding coordinator or Maid of Honor call them and let them know either the room can only accomdate a certain amount of people and you really want them to attend but as far as their multiple guest you are unable to accomadate them.

Hey sassy, if it makes you feel any better, tavern's food supposedly sucks. It's beautiful yes, but its also open to the public. If you want, just walk in and see it and take solice in the fact that you are under no obligation to eat there.

WOW....I'll remember that if ever I'm in the area!!!!