Would you get married despite your family?

There are a lot of things I would consider in answering your question. Like for one, if my family were against my husband I would ask myself were these people in happy, healthy relationships themselves? I would give it some serious thought because I love my family and would like their approval, although it is not necessary. I would ask myself if my family members afraid of losing me --sometimes people feel like their losing their family members. I would also ask myself if the family members depend on you for a lot of things -- sometimes our families can make us their crutches. I would then ask them what is their reasons for not liking my significant other. If you are adult enough to stand on your own two feet emotionally, financially, etc. Then it is truly up to the two people getting married. However, if their reasons are shallow and have no validity to them -- I would do what makes me happy -- after all it's my life.

I would absolutely get married regardless of how my family felt about my husband & vice versa. My husband said 'it's a blessing that your family accepted me with open arms, but if they didn't, it still wouldn't stop me from marrying you. At the end of the day it's me for you & you for me. My family couldn't dare come between that.'. I feel the same way. Besides, everyone won't be genuinely happy for you. (Probably because they had miserable relationships) Even family will seem like haters when you embark on your journey of marital bliss.

I agree with what both of the ladies said.

I would question their reasoning but the decision would totally be up to me.

I would sit my parents down and ask them why they are so against me marring him. I would tell them that I understand that they are only concerned about my well being, however I am grown and can make my own decisions. I would tell them that they should allow me to be the mature independant person that they raised me to be. And in the event that I have made a wrong decision and it doesn't work out, instead of saying I told you so, help pick me up. I would ask the to give him a chance because that is the person I love and want to spend the rest of my life with.

I too would have to examine the person or persons who is against the marriage. Evaluate them as whole. Some parents don't want you to marry the individual becuase of where they came from. I was reading a book about a couple who parents were against the fact the their son married a female from the projects. Only later to find out they to themselves were from the projects, but because they bettered themselves they felt she was not good enough for their son.So I would have to consider there reasons for not wanting me to marry that person.

I agree with House. I would like to know why they disapprove but ULTIMATELY, the decision is MINE. FH and I are going through this type of thing now which is the main reason why we are planning a destination wedding. Things were cool with his family but when he fell out with them (long story), some of the family became angry with me. I guess they felt that I am the cause of the fallout. That's not true, he's a grown man and I wouldn't try to influence him to go against his family.

[quote="ClassyCounselor"]All very interesting takes on the situation!

I differ. If my parents were against FH while I was dating him, I wouldn't continue to seriously date him anymore. If it was any other family member, I wouldn't take their opinion the same way.
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Now, I have a story. lol When FH & I first started dating (the last go round), my mother couldn't STAND him. It hurt me so much because I just wanted her to be happy for me and accept him. She wouldn't budge. I had no other choice but to drop on my knees and pray that she opens her heart and not be closed minded. Well, lo and behold, He answered my prayers. To this day, sometimes my mom takes FH side more than she would mine. (Be careful what you ask for - j/k) I said all of that to say, if I had stopped dating FH because my mom didn't approve of him, I wouldn't be getting married exactly 6 months from today. :-)

I'm happy that things worked out for you Askalot, your story is very touching!

My mother was incredibly rude to FH when she first met him. Wouldn't even shake his hand when he extended it to her! She wouldn't even address him but talked as if he wasn't even in the room! But he knew...and I knew that she would be eating her words and actions! Only time can tell if a family member will grow to love and respect your choice of mate. If they don't...one may start to see why not eventually.

In your vows, You forsake mother,father,sister,brother and cleave to your husband or wife. This is 1 of the main reasons marriages don't work. I agree with Wifey. At the end of the day, I can love my family but they cannot fulfill the needs, and not just physical ones, that FH can.

[quote="TAJMOM"]In your vows, You forsake mother,father,sister,brother and cleave to your husband or wife. This is 1 of the main reasons marriages don't work. I agree with Wifey. At the end of the day, I can love my family but they cannot fulfill the needs, and not just physical ones, that FH can.
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You are so right and I agree with you! Well said.

[quote="TAJMOM"]In your vows, You forsake mother,father,sister,brother and cleave to your husband or wife. This is 1 of the main reasons marriages don't work. I agree with Wifey. At the end of the day, I can love my family but they cannot fulfill the needs, and not just physical ones, that FH can.
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not to get off subject but agreeing with tajmom about cleaving, this is what we are having issues with in my house. i think i am going to type it out and put it in the bathroom, in his truck, lunchbox, etc until he gets it right.

now, back on track. i can feel things about people. not a wicca. but i can sense when people are good, and even if there was no familial support regarding fh i know he is a great person and once i straighten the above out lol, he will be a great husband.

Honestly, there was a select grp of family members whose opinion of my husband mattered to me, beyond them, I couldn't care less!

I was really hoping for some insight as well. I've been dating this new guy for about 6mos, both of us have strong family ties and we both have children. Over the last few years, I've become more spiritually aware but as most of us know sometimes our way gets clouded. My mom doesn't seem to care too much for him, and she's probably talked to my dad- who probably feels the same although they haven't met and my daughter being 11- its always been just us two so she's not overly fond of him either. He's made it known that he takes our relationship very seriously and wants it to go into a permanent status sooner than later. I value my parents and my daughter's opinion and my relationship with God, but I still don't have a clear path of what to do. The only down side right now is that he's yet to be baptized and he likes to have his cocktails (I would say maybe 3xs a week and I've never seen him have more than 3 drinks in a sitting). But my family history of alcoholism concerns me since I'll have 2 with him when we go out (maybe 2xs a month). How do you know you've made the right decision?

Sistah, continue to pray that he will get closer to God and get baptized.(Here's a secret, I've never been baptized. I've gotten closer to God but I need to take that next step). In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with having a night cap (*bleep*tail). But, if it really bothers you, talk to your FH about it.

As for the parents, I know you love them and respect their opinions, talk to them and find out why they feel the way they do. Also, pray that God will move into their hearts and give them understanding.

Remember, they are some serious "Prayer Warriors" on this site. We will pray for and with you as well.

Sistah,

The lord is sending you a message through your family. Your daughter is a child and we know the word says out of the mouths of babes. You can't make someone want to be saved it has to be something they accept as God's will in their life. If he is not ready to give his life to God then he can not full love a woman of God! because he will never understand how or why you love the Lord so much. If it is meant to be step back, tell him you love him but you love the Lord more, and if it is in God's will that you two are to be together then it will happen.

Listen to what your family is saying they know you better than anyone every could if they are saying NO!! then rethink what you are doing.

I think you need to do what the girls are saying and take it to God. I went back and forth with my mom about this too, and the reality is, you are marrying him, not your mom. Its ideal to have peace, but the truth is if people really care about you and love you like they say you do, they will encourage you to find your heart. Is the baddest thing about him is that he likes to have a nightcap? Thats really okay? Does he love the Lord? Do you see the Spirit of the Lord in him? If the answer is NO is isn't right for you! But if the answer is yes, then you are on your way! Does he lead you to God or away from God? Those are the things that matter most. My DH and I would have been married about 3 years ago instead of fighting temptation if I would have listened to my heart and to God and stopped worrying if my mom was going to call him "son" or not. She still doesn't to this day, and she still trips sometimes, but I had to let HER know that this man is a Good man, and has God, and my best interests in his heart. My Pastor met him and in 5 minutes they were like long-lost friends....and my Pastor is worse than a parent when it comes to who his "daughters" are dating and about to marry. So there you go. Its about you and him. He will never be perfect, but true unconditional, love and a relationship with a Godly foundation is a daggone good start!

Well said, Bumblebee!

Yes, well said!!!!

I agree with what the ladies have said. God will never lead you wrong and he doesn't leave us blinded either.

Thanks soo much ladies. I was actually convicted yesterday about the whole thing. He and I talk pretty openly & honestly and I went to my biological mother, best friend and a coworker that we both are cool with and he made it known that he didn't like feeling like he was the topic of every conversation- which really wasn't the case, it was more about me "seeking wise counsel"- they're all married and have been through more than one marriage. I've never been married so I have some uncertainties. Needless to say, I was reminded that I was going to the wrong source for answers. The drinks are not a big issue for me, but like the saying goes... if you play around dirt eventually you get dirty. I think that this is pushing me to draw closer to God, he actually sat and watched TD Jakes with me last night when he came over and told his sister that he was (I wish I knew what she said on the other end). All I know is that his decision to go to church and get baptized has not only affected him but he's mentioned church to some of his family- so I have to be mindful of the big picture- its not just about me & mine. My stepmom has met him in passing and because they haven't interacted, she hasn't really had a chance to form a real opinion- she didn't agree that on our trip to Texas a few months ago that we shared a hotel room with the kids- a 2bdrm suite and when he comes to service she'll make comments like "your friend got gone quick" (he leaves practially right after service) but what she doesn't know is that he gets there early, speaks with everyone before service starts- we always get there after service has started and he sometimes has to go into the office on Sundays. I love him but I'm not going to jump into anything right away.

Sistah, just continue to wait on the Lord....Remember, its not alcohol that is evil, it the loss of control and putting a "THING" in front of the Lord that is....For some people it is going to church 3-7 days out the week and then judging everyone else-SIN....For others, its FOOD, SHOPPING, LYING, etc....The thing about men is they have to be pushed...to a point. Your new boyfriend sounds like my DH. When I first got saved and told him we have to stop having sex, he considered breaking up with me! (I would have let him too) Now he is saved and filled today, but this was about 4 years ago. I remembered what the Lord showed me about what he was going to do with my DH back then, so I kept quiet, let him find the Lord at his own pace, but I continued to walk in my new salvation...I slipped from time to time, but I got back on it quick. Even though I knew that when it was said and done, he would be the man of God he is today, I couldn't tell him that because I didn't want to step in front of God's plan....I'm just trying to say people will talk (i.e, JUDGE you and him, and you for chosing him), but continue to walk in salvation. Those who are with you will eventually fall in line. You are on the right path Sistah.
PS. I was quick to judge my DH back then and I was WRONG to put his problems in his face. But in the end if he would have been saved and still not my husband today, that would have been okay too.

Hey ladies- I decided to just sit back and watch God do His thing. I spoke to a church member who was in a similar situation and I simply asked her how she knew- she had scriptures highlighted that he didn't know about and mentioned them to her, she said that's how she knew and recommended I read Malachi 2, since he was married before. I know that God can move mightily and swiftly when we let him have control.

We had a fun evening last night- the 3 of us (my daughter & us) movie & pizza at his place. Family movies aren't our #1 pick but she picked Pursuit of Happyness- talk about appropriate title.

I would still date sa person as my mother likes no one. I wonder how my man even stands my crazy family but he comes to dinners and eats and chats. I have to hand it to him!